Married with Children

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July 22, 2020

I'll try to keep it brief. Married with one 2-year old daughter. I have a good full-time job and my wife is unemployed. I also lift about 5 days a week and she runs occasionally. We are both in our late 30's. You will understand this post better if you have children.

The problem is my wife doesn't want to be a mother to our daughter. By that I mean she constantly ignores her and doesn't want to follow "good parenting" habits. The ignoring part gets to the point of neglect where I have to fill in when our daughter is calling my wife for something. By parenting habits I mean feeding habits, correcting our child when she does something wrong, teaching our child, guiding her, not arguing with me that it's OK to put lipstick (with chemicals) on her, not trying to make a 2-year old feel guilty about things that are not her fault, protecting her when she's about to fall, etc. My wife's negative behavior is an everyday thing. It's not just a once a week incident. It's not that my wife doesn't know any better, or that she's tired, or that doesn't she have the time, or that she is dumb. It's just that she doesn't want to be a parent.

This would be easier to fix if she admitted it, but she doesn't. In fact, she's always bragging to people about the things that our child can do and even takes credit for the things that I showed our child to do. I've heard her lie on the phone saying "I'm about to go take my child to do such and such" but when the phone closes it's back to ignoring her. I understand the bragging and the lying but at least put some effort into being a good parent. Before we got married, she used to talk about how she would be the responsible parent and I the fun one. Right now I have to be both.

So I really don't know what to do in this situation. As far as I know, we don't have a problem with sex. And if there were a problem, it would be easy to fix. Just literally leave the house for any reason, and her attitude changes. But I don't know how to change her attitude towards our daughter. I've tried stepping in when she ignores her (in fact I do this every day). I've tried telling her to stop ignoring her, don't feed her junk, stop yelling at the baby, etc. I've tried showing her articles online for specific parenting situations. None of it works. The point is she just doesn't want to be a good mother because there is no apparent threat against her for not being a good mother. She knows I can't just leave and mess up my daughter's life.

So how can I get some leverage over her? How can I make her want to be a good mother or else she'll lose something? I realize that this is not an easy question to answer. At least not for me. Thanks in advance.

Post Information
Title Married with Children
Author simpleguy237
Upvotes 20
Comments 72
Date 22 July 2020 12:37 PM UTC (9 months ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Original Link
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[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret27 points28 points  (9 children) | Copy

She knows I can't just leave and mess up my daughter's life.

As long as this exists, and your fear around it, nothing will change. You must be willing to nuke your nuclear family.

When you are willing to nuke it, it still may not change. Then you'll have a clear path to knowing what to do.

[–]simpleguy237[S] 2 points3 points  (8 children) | Copy

Good stuff. Thanks!

[–]nelsterm-1 points0 points  (7 children) | Copy

I doubt it. You can't impose your moral standards on someone by threatening them and shouldn't anyway. Some people don't know they're selfish and not fulfilling what could reasonably be expected of them. If that's the case, the worst you're going to get out telling her so is an argument but nudging her with good parenting books isn't going to work. Just get her told you're doing the parenting and she hasn't fulfilled the role she promised she would. Get her told it's not fair on either you or your daughter and she should make an effort to do the things good mothers do. See how she views herself. I expect she knows but the capacity for self deception is huge and she may need a jolt. The worst case scenario there is that this situation persists. But don't go around making threats about busting the family up. Apart from anything else she will know for certain you're not going to do it. The first stage has to be that she knows without any pussyfooting around that her performance is sub par compared to reasonable expectations. Then see how she reacts. There's a chance it will be a moment of self awareness for her, if she's considerate in other areas of her life. If not you will at least know more about the situation and can take it from there. But I'm guessing your daughter is more important to you than her and she'll know you're not leaving.

[–]tightsleeves0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Did you even read the article before you bashed it?

[–]nelsterm1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

This guy has no problem with how his wife treats him and he is happy with his sex life. He wants his wife to demonstrate her love for their daughter. Your link doesn't help at all with that. There is no reason to think she will treat her kid better because he's more alpha. Chances are she's just pretty selfish and let's him do what she would prefer not to. If he hasn't called her out on it that should be his first step before any implied threats. Also most women have sex because they like it, not to manipulate anyone though some do of course.

[–]part_wolf0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Bold of you to assume this guy can read.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

/u/nelsterm is a fucking idiot who didn't comprehend the post linked.

He thinks it's a threat. If you read it through, you'll know that being willing to nuke it requires zero butthurt to do so with an actual frame.

OP just needs this frame and shit will likely fall into place. It's not "alpha" as this retard autist suggests.

My wife used to be a somewhat shitty mother with a poor outlook on parenting. Turns out she just hated she was having to be with a man with no direction on his kids lives, lead her there, and have a backbone of being willing to walk if she sucked at it.

[–]nelsterm-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

Jeez. Such butthurt from so many at an opposing opinion. This is the internet. You're going to bump into people who don't think like you do I'm afraid. Try not to cry.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret[M] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Nice projection, faggot.

[–]simpleguy237[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She already knows that her performance is sub-par, though she will deny it if you tell her explicitly that her performance is sub-par. Her favorite thing to do is to act like she doesn't know what's going on. Example:

- Baby, who is right in front of her: Mom can you turn on the TV for me?

- Mom ignores her so Baby repeats herself 3 times.

- Me, who is in another room: Mom your daughter is asking you a question.

- Mom: Oh I was concentrated thinking of something else.

The best example I can give you of her behavior is that of a nanny who hates being a nanny so she'll move as slow as possible and put in the least amount of effort possible to do her job. She has to be pushed to do it. She knows what and how to do it, she just doesn't want to.

The strategy behind the nuke your family post may or may not work, but it presents at least the threat of leaving her. And that's better than where I am right now. Right now she knows I’m not leaving my daughter so she doesn’t care.

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points  (1 child) | Copy

I struggled, and still do to a certain extent, with my wife's parenting. The love and instincts were there. I think. Just shitty behaviors and shitty examples.

I did the sulking and lecturing you're describing then just focused on being a better parent myself. Then even better. Then even betterer. Maybe something about 1000 feet tow ropes was at play or maybe I just wasn't as good as I thought I was.

Wife bought into certain things along the way, as they demonstrably worked, and got better herself but also: kids get more capable. The other day, in answer to why he was shouting, my son told her: "You do this! You teach me to shout!". Lol.

Personally I didn't find it any different from the rest of dread. Sounds like you might be missing Acta non Verba.

Unless you can line them up like the Von Trapp family on your own, I'd work on that first.

[–]simpleguy237[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Definitely looking forward to my daughter getting older and being more capable/ independent.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret9 points10 points  (5 children) | Copy

No good answers here. This is supposed to be the one thing women are naturally good at. If it were me I would probably escalate my disapproval to the point where the whole relationship is on notice, which as you indicated might end up with you separated and the child with the mom most of the time.

But, maybe your frame is wrong here. Perhaps the threat of HAVING to be the primary caretaker for the kid will scare her enough to follow your lead.

[–]_-resonance-_2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is some Jedi mind trick shit... but she won’t care if she gets child support. IMO 50/50 parenting time is the way to go. Gets Dad his time and Mom has to do her part as well. The rest is up to Jah.

[–]simpleguy237[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

My frame is definitely wrong. I don't know the right one in this situation. Maybe taking it up a level in the parenting on my part might make her afraid of being left out.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret5 points6 points  (2 children) | Copy

From Office Space: "That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled, that, and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired."

This sounds a lot like her. Is she afraid she will be fired? I know you are afraid to fire her. You're batting 0-2 there. Fix that and I bet a lot of other stuff fixes itself.

[–]simpleguy237[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Her attitude right now is that of a person who has a job she hates but can't quit. She does the least amount of work possible. Her quitting/ leaving her kid would be a social disaster for her because she has to keep up the appearance that she's a good mother.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You’re probably not wrong but definitely projecting like a motherfucker.

Getting better at it to the point where her input is optional - and that is absolutely achievable - is a good starting point. All the excuses about how hard it is and how exceptionally difficult that particular kid is fall away then.

Then there can be the exact equivalent of a FMOFY speech (learn to parent or fuck off?).

Makes you realize that if you did start over and had to now give your 19 year old Latvian stripper gf minute instructions on how to babysit: you’ve only just achieved the minimum required.

[–]_-resonance-_7 points8 points  (2 children) | Copy

Divorced. Cucked.

After TRP met a girl like this. She clearly thought it was funny how her husband was doing all the dirty work with the kids. She also seemed to think it was funny how badly her kids needed her.

Meanwhile she was available to me and my sexual needs.

OP needs to reprioritize. Remember, it is YOUR responsibility to make sure your kids are cared for. Yes, it helps to have a woman to accomplish this task, but your type of woman will make things more difficult for you and perceive you as week for your altruism and sympathy.

You may find this hard to believe, but your wife is not only gone, but actively making your life harder and things will get worse.

Ignore her completely, make child-rearing appear fun, and stay on your purpose. Get others involved like local family or even a babysitter. You are likely going to need to divorce this person. You should be assertive and get your ducks in a row and make it happen swiftly. She doesn’t have respect for you. Repairing a frame that is so inherently broken is not advised. Even if successful, it will take a toll on your (and thus your kids’) potential.

Focus on your self (this includes the kids) and let her trail behind. It will be funny to see her scramble when you “own your shit” and rely on her for nothing. She’ll try to rope you back into her frame and you’ll get some good sex. But stay firm and true to your purpose and do not let her tempt you off course from your individual path. Get your 50% and let the kids learn the truth in their own time over the years.

[–]simpleguy237[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

This is the part I was having a hard time understanding. I always expect her to be a good mother so it makes me rely on her for something. But if I take away that expectation. If I just ignore her, she has nothing to hold on to. I like this. Thanks.

[–]_-resonance-_0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Keep it simple, guy. Your negative attention is just as valuable as positive attention. Any energy (critiquing, emotion, encouragement) you share with her is energy you have chosen to share. Stop doing it unless she is blowing you and buying happy meals. Focus on your self and remember that you are not only a good man/dad, but a force of nature any woman would be lucky to experience.

[–]Grimsterr3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

Document everything, record anything you legally can, and start building a file. You're probably going to need it.

[–]simpleguy237[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

By document everything, do you mean recording with a camera? Or do you mean to write something down on a piece of paper every time she does something bad to our girl? I can probably keep some type of record just in case.

[–]DrPsychGainz8 points9 points  (2 children) | Copy

Had to almost formally train the wife to parent correctly. My MIL is a somatic narcissist and withheld affection but also inflicted zero physical abuse.

First step was to seed the initial motivation and exercise her prospective foresight by introducing her to seriously thinking about her 40s to 80s. This happened when we were twenty years old. My wife HATES being contacted by her mother for almost any reason and I had her think about what would happen when the roles reverse with our future kids. Basic idea is that it is ideal to not only have the kids voluntarily want to keep in touch, but to have enough number of kids to where even with life obligations like their own kids or careers, there'd be X number of them nearby or available to interact with us.

After that, it was competency and skill acquisition. For motivation, Stefan Molyneux podcasts and videos worked well for peaceful parenting. Skills were taught with books by Glenn Doman and baby sign language videos.

None of this works if your wife doesn't even see what's wrong with herself and almost certainly her own childhood and parents. Also likely has some covert or overt narcissistic traits. Frame can overcome a lot of that, but you don't want to helicopter parent your own wife so you may have to push that off onto a eastern European female therapist (they won't let her get away with gynocentric bs). Good luck

[–]simpleguy237[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Thanks. I'll try planting that motivation in her by letting her know that she could end up being like her own mother with our daughter growing resentful of her if she keeps up the attitude.

My wife is not on the best terms with her mother because her mother always tries to make her feel guilty. She sees what's wrong with her own mother, but doesn't dare admit it for herself.

[–]_-resonance-_2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Plant nothing. Ignore her. Your wife perceives you as BB which includes child-rearing. Taking care of her kids is a peasant’s (your) job. Consider an alpha male that pumps and dumps. This is her. You are the bitch.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red7 points8 points  (3 children) | Copy

You are not suppose to wife up the bar slut.

By default, a woman who does not have motherly instincts is the woman you dont put a baby in.

Now, you are fucked.

[–]simpleguy237[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child) | Copy

True. You're not supposed to put a baby in the my-career-before-my-family slut either but it's hard to tell when they're good at lying to you about their intentions.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Career + unemployed = actress?

Uh oh...

[–]DrPsychGainz1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I glanced over the ages originally and just realized how fucked he is based on the wife being a non-doctor having their first kid at ~36 and not having the basic baby rabies urge to at least get the kid past toddlerhood. The daughter may model her mother's shit behavior so he may actually want the wife to fuck off while out of line of sight of the daughter. Or cut his losses since it's one kid only so far and they tend to take more effort to prevent from being like mommy.

[–]themerovingian012 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

It sounds like your wife is just plain lazy. But also, there are good moms and there are bad moms.

[–]simpleguy237[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

She is lazy when it comes to her family. For her work, not so much.

[–]PaPaKAPture2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

I'm guessing her mother was a shitty mother. Probably not a lot you can do if that's the case.

[–]simpleguy237[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

You're right. Her mother was a shitty mother. Her mother neglected her as well. It's a form of child abuse. My wife acknowledges this but she won't acknowledge that she ignores our daughter. Always has some excuse when I call her on it or simply says nothing.

[–]PaPaKAPture1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

she won't change, my wife is the same way. My stepdaughter is currently in a rehab facility because last week I found her after she swallowed 4 bottles of pills. Not sure if she has a mental illness, but I think it was a scream for some attention from her mom, since her dad is a POS and pretty much out of her life all together. The only reason I am in this marriage still is to make sure my kids don't end up fucked up, but end of the day they will be damaged because there mother was.

[–]_-resonance-_0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Your kids? Sounds like they are her kids.

[–]PaPaKAPture1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

we have 2 together, she has one from previous relationship

[–]BlackFire682 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

She’s a shit mother, thats all.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret5 points6 points  (6 children) | Copy

If you spent half as much time practicing good parenting as you do trying to fix her, you could lead by example. Maybe she’d follow, maybe not.... but at least the child would have one present parent.

[–]simpleguy237[S] 2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy

This is where I am right now. I spend most of my time filling in where she doesn't.

[–]_-resonance-_2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Make sure you fill in for her financially and emotionally as well. /s

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

This is where I am right now. I spend most of my time filling in where she doesn't.

Next, start delegating you her. Delegate as you “fill in”

[–]simpleguy237[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I see how this can be very powerful. As soon as I attend our daughter, I can tell my wife something like "clean the kitchen counter" or something similar. Thanks!

[–]MonkModeActive1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Been there. Get out of her head. Own your shit, fulfill the masculine role for your kids, but don't try and be mommy. You're spinning the wrong kind of plates, which ones will you let smash?

[–]simpleguy237[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I like this. Thanks

[–]part_wolf1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Everyone else has already touched on your need for a stronger frame and more dread (which I absolutely agree with), but some obvious practical solutions are being overlooked here.

If your wife is unemployed and she’s not pitching in, then start outsourcing your wife’s jobs. Put the fucking kid in day care. Get a cleaning service. Drop off your laundry at the dry cleaners. /u/redsfp-plus had a comment a while back that involved making sure all of your shit is locked down. In your case, that might mean child care. The end state of that strategy inevitably involves her waking up and realizing she’s completely superfluous.

[–]dll1421 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I can tell you this. Whatever you do, do NOT have anymore children with this woman. I feel for you. From what you describe, you're in a bad situation. Here's the rub.... it is on you then to make sure your child is loved, safe, and gets her needs met. Usually women are hardwired or instinctively programmed to care for children and love them unconditionally. I have 4 children... two to my first wife and two step children. BOTH (sets) their moms are good mom and love them. It sucks your wife is not a good mom. If you end of divorcing over it (that's up to you), you will have to fight her for custody. BUT don't be surprised if your daughter becomes a front and center leverageable issue against you. Women can and will do that.

Depending on the state or country you live in, get a good lawyer. Then my advice (if you divorce), identify the top 5 lawyers or so in your local area that you would NOT want to go against (that she could hire) and do a consultation with them to conflict them out. You may have to give each a small retainer, but it will be peanuts in the end compared to what you could potentially use.

You could also try and get her professional help. She may be depressed. I don't know. Trust your gut buddy.

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret3 points4 points  (15 children) | Copy

MRP is primarily about sexual strategy for married men in a world increasingly dominated by feminism. There is /r/redpillparenting on the sidebar that may be better suited.

Your question is how do I push a rope and the answer is I am not sure that you can. How can you make your wife interested in sex? We have that covered. Dread game and taking away your neediness activates her triggers. Like I always say, if she can't control and manipulate you by denying sex then she will try to do so by sex bombing.

How can I deal with my wife's negative and obnoxious behaviors? We also have that covered. There is a growing and already large body of literature on Shit Tests.

How can I deal with a wife who doesn't care about her own kid?

I don't know that you can.

Just FYI, if you want to get divorced, then the wife will almost certainly get full custody unless you have video of her beating the child- and even then there is a 50% plus chance that she will still get custody and you will get a restraining order from even seeing your child. I know that doesn't help but it does illustrate your options.

Best case, stay in the marriage until your daughter is old enough to decide who she wants to live with.

She knows I can't just leave and mess up my daughter's life.

And...there's the rub. She knows you are trapped and expects that you are powerless to do anything about her abusive behavior. She may be right. Or you may be able to wrest some power from her, but honestly? In this political climate? I doubt it. Very sorry.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret10 points11 points  (11 children) | Copy

Just FYI, if you want to get divorced, then the wife will almost certainly get full custody unless you have video of her beating the child

Bullshit fear mongering. Not true. I have 50/50 and joint legal.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret4 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy

Yes, 50/50 or close to it is becoming the norm in many states - 50/50 is default in my state now

[–]RpRebuild1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Damn, I wish that was the case in my country

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Hopefully, it will be at some point. You don’t even need an attorney to get 50/50 in my state, unless there’s serious allegations like child abuse

[–]RpRebuild1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Thats awesome, however if my country was like that, I probably would have left the missus by now and be in another relationship making the same mistakes all over again.

[–]BobbyPeruRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Do the work, fix yourself... everything else falls into place

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Because your wife agreed.

I once had a Mediation Hearing on a child protective services referral. Dad has the child and won't give him up to the mom claiming she is a drunk and abusive and has brought in a dozen men for "overnight visits" in the last 6 months. He has video of her doing coke and drinking shots in front of the child. After the preliminaries I caucused (that is I met with both parties separately) and talked to the dad first. We laid out a plan for escalating parenting time for the mom all the way to 50/50 in 6 months. Then I went to the mom and she told me:

"I just got off the phone with my lawyer and I don't want to mediate. We have a hearing scheduled and the court will decide in my favor. That is how these things work."

Don't tell me about fear mongering. I live in an ocean of fear and vaginal privilege.

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando8 points9 points  (3 children) | Copy

I live in an ocean of fear and vaginal privilege.

That what happens when you waste half your living days on r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

There's some funny laughs there, but it's mostly crabs in a bucket living in fear of little women and complaining it's not fair.

[–]business---travel0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This comment almost made me spit out my coffee!

Soooo true...

[–]BluepillProfessorMod / Red Beret-4 points-3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Nahhh. This is my comic relief. It's a fun little pool to bask in the light. The ocean is in my Life & Relationship Coaching and the Divorce Mediation that I do. Most of the guys just want to get out without being hurt more. Many of the women want to hurt the man as much as possible before she leaves.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

So, she is fear mongering and you bought it. Ok.

[–]Tyred_BiggumsRed Beret7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

Just FYI, if you want to get divorced, then the wife will almost certainly get full custody unless you have video of her beating the child

Depends where you are. But this is certainly not the case in the state i live. Default is joint legal and 50/50 (or very close).

[–]_-resonance-_1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Disagree she will get full custody. Essentially the entire custody battle is lawyers trying to figure out whose client has the stronger frame. Paradoxically, this includes giving less fucks, yet simultaneously giving all fucks. The way to win this battle of wits is to remember that if you are ordered to have less time with your kids, it gives you more time to develop your self and your brand. That’s a win for you. You fighting for time with your kids needs to be seen as a sacrifice, not a needy bitch move bc u need your kids around to fill a void. You need to project being cool either way... that parenting your kids is almost the “less ideal” option, but here you are, willing to do it.

[–]simpleguy237[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The "Nuke your Nuclear Family" post suggested by another member helps in this situation.

[–]RedSweet880 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Do u think she maybe depressed?

[–]simpleguy237[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy


She isn't depressed. Anything career-related she's brilliant and is motivated. Anything related to the home she acts dumb and has little motivation. But depression is not the word.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

It's just that she doesn't want to be a parent.

She has you by the balls & she knows it.

Before we got married, she used to talk about how she would be the responsible parent and I the fun one.

The old bait & switch.

So how can I get some leverage over her? How can I make her want to be a good mother or else she'll lose something?

Listen faggot, you have to value yourself as the prize. I mean why the fuck would she follow your orders? She knows she doesn't have to do shit because you won't do shit. On her end, she the best of both worlds; a bitch made husband who does all the heavy lifting & still provides her with attention haha. You already know what you need to do, go do it.

[–]simpleguy237[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

And what is that? Divorce and make life worse for my daughter? Even if it's a 50/50 split, that's still not good for her.

[–]2wo2wo3hree0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

There is some fault at making a person do something you can do yourself and being upset at that person for failing you.

“The problem is my wife doesn't want to be a mother to our daughter.”

-This is false. You mean your wife doesn’t want to be the kind of mother you want her to be.

Frame is everything, right? (Maybe) you are in her frame? (I doubt) she is in yours? (It’s very likely) you are in two different frames? I don’t know. But until you establish a frame she can be in, it’s going to be difficult for you to make her do what you want.

How is everything else outside of parenting? Is she the cook you want? Is she the private porn star you want? Is she whatever the fuck you want? Is she the companion you want? Do you even like her? It sure doesn’t read like it.

This is on you. This was honestly a bitching and complaining fit about what’s not happening. Instead of complaining... Own your shit until you’re someone worth following and then lead your wife into becoming the parent you prefer her to be.

TL;Dr - Be someone she follows. Then lead.

[–]simpleguy237[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

We're in different frames. Outside of parenting, she's not great at everything but I don't see it as a big problem because I've seen her attitude change when my situation/ options improve. She's not a terrible person. She just doesn't care about being there as a mother or even a role model. Can you give some examples of good leadership in this situation?

[–]2wo2wo3hree-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

I don’t know where you are on your journey in MRP but you should know we don’t become better men overnight. Women don’t follow men they love. Women follow men they respect. Raise your value and have an attractive vision. There is an issue of frame. You haven’t owned your shit, and your wife doesn't give two shits about what you think about her parenting.

“I have to fill in when our daughter is calling my wife for something.”

-This happens to me often. I say, “Mommy (that’s what my child calls her mother), your child is calling for you.” If I receive anything less than my child getting her mother’s apologetic attention, I take my attention and my child away to do something better without her. I don’t mean go to fucking Disney land. Build a kite or something. Teach your child a new skill.

“feeding habits“ -I assume you’re talking about junk. Why do you have junk shit in your house? Take the lead on wellness.

“protecting her when she's about to fall”

-Women just don’t have the instinct. If you put your child in a room full of children of same age, gender and race and all dressed alike, the fathers are wired to find their own children quicker than mothers.

Everything else here is Just blaming your wife without taking any responsibility.

Lift more, side bar more, do more, bitch about your wife less.

[–]ghostokg-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'll give my advice man, since I have a somewhat similar situation as yours, and I have some thoughts that might help you understand but definitely not fix the situation. There is no fix, not in the way you want, you can't change her or your personality, but maybe if you see things from another angle, it'll help you accepting this, and moving forward acknowledging what you have to compromise if you are set against divorce. My opinion is not going to be a traditional red pill strategy btw. Google the big 5 personality traits, my understanding is that through studies of identical twins raised apart, the science says almost 50% of our personalities are heritable. I'd argue even more, the reason I bring this up is I want you to consider that personality is genetic and unchangable.

We all have a genetic leanings to be who we are, so with your wife and with your kid, you waste your time wishing and trying to make them anything else. One of the traits of the big 5 is called disagreeablebess, understanding this trait is key to understanding why you are butting heads with your wife. I'm guessing she is higher in disagreeablebess and you might also be too. Prior to kids, perhaps you hid this from her, because she chose to have kids with you probably because you signaled that you would do more than her. Disagreeable people only are happy around people that are less disagreeableble than them, precisely because a disagreeableble person needs to feel like they are getting the better end of the deal in any interaction. Think 75% their way VS 25% your way. So you are going to have to accept that you entered into a contract of raising a child with this type or person, this is why you will feel taken advantage of dealing with her. My wife is the same way. Now, something in you must have changed with having a kid, because prior to kids your wife's personality wasn't a deal breaker. You didn't change who you are by having a kid, the environment is the only change, and you most likely finally realized who you really were all along, and my guess is that you too run higher in disagreeablebess after all which makes you a not ideal partner for your lady. She would do better with the pushover she thought she was getting.

Me too man, I am the same as you, having a kid made me realize who I actually was all along. I am a disagreeable dude that was fine being with a not naturally submissive or agreeable woman because she's hot and we have lots of sex. But having a kid, traditional roles are important for the male to be invested, ideally you should lead and her follow for your male self esteem to thrive, your nervous system will constantly send you error messages otherwise. That is what the stone age hardware demanded, but we are a long way from the stone age so this traditional roles situation doesn't always need to be ideal to work. For example,

if you lived in a tribal society you would spend all your time hunting, so there would literally be no overlap of the female child rearing you and I are deep in as modern males and there are virtually no real life threats to our survival like the stone age family would have faced. So that signal in your brain, is a remnant of a time long ago, when a stone age man with a 2 year old also realized, that his wife wasn't the best mother-and she also didn't follow his lead as the alpha protector of the family unit, not following his lead would have put all their lives in danger back then, not being the best mother could have cost the child's life too.. These are all life and deaths observations in our stone age brains that don't have life or death consequences today so the error message isn't exactly pressing as it use to be.

So if you are higher in disagreeablebess too you have to accept that you are seeing the world through a skewed lense that will only frustrate you dealing with your wife. You are wanting 75% of the situation your way (good parenting as defined by you) VS 25% her way. You are going to have to let a lot if this go if you want to be happily married. Sure she's arguably lazier than you from your disagreeable point of view, maybe, maybe she is just who she is and doing the best she can given her genetic personality (given to her by her own mother/father). She sounds higher in emotional instability too, that's a tough combo with disagreeablebess man, but maybe if you accept that she was born this way and can only be this way, maybe you can better police your self in your expectations and ask that she try to police herself too for greater co-parenting harmony. What I mean is you always want things your way... Police that.. you cannot have that with this partner..

Pick something things that you are willing to loose on, Robert Plomin is a much smarter guy than me. He argues that parenting style makes little difference in the child's outcome. After all the kid is already born who they are personality wise, sure you can effect the happiness level or how fun you and the kid have living together. But with all environmental factors effecting personality, once the environmental pressure is gone, your kid moves out and reverts to whoever they really are. Your kid is 2 years old, this is definitely the most annoying time when you mistakenly feel like you have to do almost everything for them. Just let some of it go man, you can't be the authority of good parenting habits, a good parent is someone who loves their kid and doesn't abuse them. Maybe your wife is not your ideal co worker for parenting but you loved her a lot and held her in high esteem before. She can't be as bad a parent as you are thinking, she just does the job not as meticulous as you. I know none of this is red pill stuff, but in your situation red pill is dudes telling you to divorce, I'm not saying become a cuck pushover, I'm just saying do the ugly work of trying to make a marriage between two different personalities work, that's a way to lead of a different kind. Change your negative opinion about her as a co worker and once she senses you aren't trying to change her, she might reach more of her potential that's all you can hope for. Also if I'm right, watch out for your kid getting more of your wife's personality than yours man.. Haha that's when things get more challenging. Anyway man, good luck.

[–]simpleguy237[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks. Actually your advice does sound like red pill advice. Ignore her, don't try to change her, and do your thing. It's not that she's a horrible parent. It's more like she's no different than a nanny who doesn't care either way taking care of your kid.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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