Does it matter that I'm fat?

TheOGJammies · 2019-10-08T05:00:04+00:00

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saucypiece · 2019-10-08T11:10:21+00:00

It doesn’t matter that you’re fat, as long as you have REALISTIC expectations about dating and are able to accept that people are less likely to be attracted to you because of your weight unless that’s specifically what they’re into.

It’s possible to find a good guy that’s also overweight and will be accepting of your weight. Even better if he is also working towards improving his health too, since it could be something you two bond over and can work at together.

DON’T date a guy who is in ANY WAY BOTHERED by you improving your health and losing weight if this is something you want to do. This is a sign of control, jealousy, and could be the start of an abusive relationship. If he’s cheering you on, he’s a good guy.

This pretty much goes for everyone. If this guy is supportive and encouraging of your goals, he’s a good guy and worth being a part of your life. If he for any reason is bothered by your goals or wants to TRY to tear you down, he has personal issues he needs to address and will have plenty of free time to address after you’ve dumped him.

Seeking pity, boohooing about being ugly and fat and how you’ll be forever alone because of it comes across as pathetic and the type of desperate pick-me behavior described in the sub rules. It WON’T attract the type of men you want to be attracting. It’s okay to be real about your insecurities and vulnerabilities, it’s awesome to be able to laugh at yourself and not take yourself or your weight too seriously, but it’s not cool or cute to fish for pity or compliments and get upset or act hurt if you aren’t told what you want to hear.

If that is coming from true feelings of low self-worth, you’re not really in a good place to start dating right now since you could be more susceptible to the type of guy that will love-bomb you, tell you what you want to hear, pretend to be nice to you, and then later make you feel like shit all to try and control you, get his way, and keep you from leaving him.

Feel empowered that you’re working on yourself and losing weight for you. Gaining an increasingly larger pool of men to date is just one more added benefit.

TERFSareawesome · 2019-10-08T15:38:06+00:00

So I have been super skinny and I've been kind of "thick". Never actually overweight, but in the higher part of the normal weight range.

In my experience the most attention I get from guys is around my current weight, which is 140 and 5'5. So a BMI of something like 23%, solidly normal.

It surprises me because I personally prefer to be skinner. I've been down to 99 pounds and as high as 150 (this is like over a period of 10 years so it's not as crazy a fluctuation as you would think). I personally love to be around 120, and that's where I feel great. BUT by far I get the most male attention at 140, and it's actually really noticeable when I lose weight. I would say it's like a bell curve with the most attention at 140, and then it slopes down when I gain weight OR lose.

With that said I want to weigh what I want to weigh for MY SAKE and not for what guys like so I'm trying to lose a little weight. But if I was doing it for men I would camp out here, because it's quite noticeable, the attention difference.

For reference, I'm not like some busty hourglass. I have relatively small breasts, a really small waist, and then I have hips, and a definite belly (although it's not huge at all). I have a kind of large butt and thighs. My arms and calves are smaller I guess but not tiny.

Soooo my point is that I'm a little smaller then your weight goals but yeah plenty of dudes like thick girls or girls with a little extra.

When I was really skinny i thought all guys wanted that, but I remember multiple dudes making the typical nasty comments about "flat", "no ass", "too skinny", whatever. But I also got attention there too. And yet when I gained weight the attention definitely went up.

Ultimately I think it's about finding a weight where you feel happy, TRULY, and part of that does bleed over into confidence and therefore beauty. And just finding something you feel good at. Guys have liked me at my smallest (though most urged me to gain weight) and at my biggest. It's cliche but truly there will always be a guy who finds you attractive unless you are at the MOST extreme ends of the spectrum.

madandunabashed · 2019-10-08T08:26:08+00:00

How tall are you? How do you carry your weight?

If you have huge boobs and a big butt, some men will be into that. If your weight is mostly distributed in less attractive areas (arms, back, stomach, thighs) men will be off put by it.

You told us to be brutally honest but then you accuse women telling you the truth of being too harsh. I mean... what?

You don’t have to be supermodel skinny to be attractive but the fact of the matter is being overweight will always be seen as less attractive than being a regular weight. That doesn’t mean you won’t find men who want to date you anyway because you still will. It just means you would have a lot more choices if your body was more conventionally attractive. I hope you understand getting a conventionally attractive body doesn’t mean you should be out there trying to get abs. It just means having a good waist to hip ratio and being within a healthy BMI range. It’s so much more attainable than you think. Just give it a try!

fistfulloftosca · 2019-10-08T18:01:11+00:00

Hi, I am also fat, and weighing in (har). I am actually fatter than you, and older than you, and I have no issues getting dates. The problem is I still attract a ton of lame-os who think fat chicks are easy, so just a heads up there. Confidence is absolutely the key to success here. NOW... being a fat woman is not without its downsides. I don't want to sugarcoat it. I am actively trying to lose weight because I see being fat as being a barrier to having a high quality man in a lot of ways. Here is what being fat will bring you: Low quality men, cheapskates, philandering married men, young guys with no money, hobosexuals, guys who actually like fat chicks but are ashamed of it, weirdo old men, neurotics with micropenises. I actually have had relations with many hot dudes, like Chad level hot, but they all had some sort of personality disorder or were too broke to function.

My friends are always astounded at how many guys are interested in me, but none of them are worth pursuing other than being passing amusements.

FinchRosemta · 2019-10-08T22:53:59+00:00

Yes your weight is a problem. You aren't just fat, but you are obese. You have to be 6'8" for that to be considered a normal weight or at least 6'0" tall for the upper most level of a "normal" BMI.

Sure are guys who you like you as a fat woman, but there are more that you like you when you are thinner.

You only need one guy to love you, but if you have chose between 100 vs 10, there is a perfect chance the one is among that 100 that a mere 10.

StopBeingAPlate · 2019-10-08T07:03:17+00:00

No. It doesn’t matter that you’re fat.

You mentioned that your ex did something traumatic to you...kind of as a side note. That’s usually where the story is.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say, whatever your ex did - and I’m not asking you to tell me, but just answer for yourself - is this the first time something traumatic like that has happened to you? I’m going to guess it’s not.

Whatever your ex did (& whatever may have happened to you before then), please go see a therapist about it. If you have had previous traumatic experiences, look for a therapist that specializes in C-PTSD.

Stop dating for now. Take care of yourself.

Hugs!

As3hleigh · 2019-10-08T12:33:49+00:00

Personally being a larger women I haven’t had issues with getting attention from men but I also haven’t dated many people because I have some hella bad trust issues.

I think someone mentioned above that it’s all about confidence? I 110% agree. You gotta be confident in yourself and love yourself before you let someone else love you. That doesn’t just help them but it also helps you feel more cozy in the relationship.

Also a lot of men like chunkier ladies so don’t beat yourself up too much xxx

magicalbakabutt · 2019-10-08T08:59:17+00:00

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magicalbakabutt · 2019-10-08T04:17:50+00:00

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kiramekki · 2019-10-09T21:11:23+00:00

I think it depends on what you want. My friend, she was close to 300 lbs and is now around 235, went from 0 attention to a lot of guys wanting to sleep with her but none that would see her as gf material, except for 2 that were narcissistic and manipulative. She admits now she's slept with men she didn't care for because she wanted validation, all her life she grew up with her parents saying "lose weight or you'll never get married." So you need to make sure you don't need anyone's validation but your own. I've also been overweight my whole life and have noticed by own experience men, especially young ones are physical creatures. I know everyone says it, but now I KNOW it. There are exceptions, but I only want high-caliber men, not men my age (early 20s) who are not interesting or established or emotionally mature. I have seen friends date dudes who are not high caliber and have fun, only to break up over basic but very real things like money, distance, interests...

So my advice is to patiently weed out any thing you think is a problem for you. Weight? Give yourself the time to lose it healthily, which sounds like you are doing. Once you have momentum, keep it with you always. When tempted to cheat think "Is this going to get me where I want to be and KNOW I can be?" I really like the quote "Do for yourself today, what you'll thank yourself for tomorrow." We aint getting younger! On that same coin, you are on this earth for more than paying bills and losing weight. If your body needs rest, listen to it and develop intuition with it. Don't fight it, but fight your brain chemicals. Look up GABA and L-tryptophan, they mess with our hunger cues, depression and anxiety. Supplementing them can prevent binges.

normabelka2 · 2019-10-08T11:43:36+00:00

It’s all about confidence. If yoj don’t feel confident with your weight, lose it.

katiedarling37 · 2019-10-08T15:48:51+00:00

The issue is not your weight. A good man loves you as you are. And honestly you’re not that big if I assume you’re average height. You know they make plus sized wedding dresses right? Which means fat women get married all the time. Something else has happened to you, though, that has you in this position. I hope you can get to a better place soon, because life is long. It’s going to feel even longer with you in this condition.

ginnywaterfall · 2019-10-08T08:33:49+00:00

Some guys like a lil chub trust me I have gained weight and still people like me a lot

_HEDONISM_BOT · 2019-10-08T22:29:25+00:00

I'm 5'8, 127 lbs, and my recent photofeeler photos were ranked between 8.4 - 9.2 on the "attractiveness scale" for the "dating" category by men. I never get hit on outside of OLD apps. I do sometimes get catcalled, and men do go out of their way to interact with me, if I have open body language and don't have my headphones in / on my phone.

It's not your weight. Most men don't go out of their way to approach a woman who looks busy, has headphones in, or has her face buried in her phone or has headphones on. It might be your body language too. If I walk around looking like I'm pissed off and serious, they don't approach, but when I walk around looking relaxed and smiling, they go out of their way to interact. It's NOT your weight.

magicalbakabutt · 2019-10-09T02:26:56+00:00

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MonkeyMoney21 · 2019-10-30T21:58:04+00:00

Fatphobia is prevalent. It should not be but it has been conditioned into our collective society for years. Men have internalized it in their collective perception of beauty and I don't doubt that there are men who have not but those men are a small portion of the pool. If you want to widen the pool of datable men then I do think losing weight will be helpful. That said it is not going to be easy to do- that's a given but as a thin person- straight size privilege is real and skinny privilege is absolutely real. You will have a much wider pool of men and as fucked up as it is be treated better by people as a whole.

2019-10-31T18:22:12+00:00

Yes it matters.

candidburrito · 2019-10-08T09:54:22+00:00

Wow, I thought we were here to support each other? Some other responses don’t give me that vibe, unfortunately. I think we’re all trying though, so please be gentle. Sometimes tactless stuff is said, or tone doesn’t come across right online.

Girl, don’t give up! You got this. It’s really helped me to surround myself with body positivity inspiration. DM me of you want any!

You are beautiful and lovable. I don’t have to see a picture of you to know that.

Title	Does it matter that I'm fat?
Author	magicalbakabutt
Upvotes	11
Comments	65
Date	October 8, 2019 4:13 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/deuyyn/does_it_matter_that_im_fat/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/does-it-matter-that-im-fat.724298 https://theredarchive.com/post/724298

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