I hate myself because of my high n-count..advice?

Whisper · 2017-10-30T02:36:22+00:00

My issue is that I slept around a lot before I discovered TRP. Including my boyfriend, my n-count is 8

That is very high for 19.

only had oral sex with

Doesn't matter. N-count matters because of psychological reasons, no physical ones. If you did stuff, it counts.

It wouldn't bother me as much if my boyfriend's n-count was higher

Nope. His count doesn't matter. Life is unfair like that.

This brings me so much distress, and I so wish I could go back to my 15 year old self and scream, "SAVE YOURSELF FOR THE MAN YOU'RE GOING TO MARRY!" but alas, I cannot travel back in time.

The world is indeed full of 30 year old women who want to punch their 20 year old selves right in the mouth.

I'm actually tearing up a bit as I write this..any help?

First, the bad news: NOTHING can fix this. You are not a jar of pickles. You cannot get unscrewed.

We actually had casual sex before he asked to be his girlfriend, but ugh, I just regret it so much.

No. That's the only good move you've mentioned so far. A man might learn to live with a high n-count, but if he ever finds out that you made him wait longer or work harder than other men... {insert your favorite metaphor for the apocalypse here}.

I just regret it so much. I wish I could have just slept with only him, as he deserves so much.

Gotta hold onto this one, then.

You cannot repair this aspect. What you can do is work on other things to make yourself a better deal.

You cannot change the fact that you gave yourself to other men easily. You can only make sure he's getting a better version of you than the one they got.

Work. Be prettier. Be nicer. Be less trouble. Be more fun. Treat him with more respect. Do kinky things for him in bed that you never did with anyone else.

The only way to make him feel like a winner is to improve yourself so if your old flings could see you, they'd envy him for getting the improved version.

LawyerInTheMaking · 2017-10-29T20:56:35+00:00

The higher the n count the more you have to develop self control and compensate. 8 is a high number, no matter how many women will try to hamster. That’s basically a starting basketball roster and bench. I’m going to take a take a different TRP position from the typical damaged goods talk that you hear. First advise would be to clean up your act and change how you carry yourself. Second advice would be watch who you associate with and what types of situations you put yourself in. If it is an environment where it can compromise your behaviour or if the people you associate with encourage you to make dumb decisions (say girlfriend encourage you to harmlessly flirt with a guy at the bar or something), stay away. Third advice, cultivate your skills and bring more value to the relationship than sex. From a mans perspective when it comes to a dating a girl with a high n count, why should a man work for something you give away for free? See what I mean. Girls with high N counts in today’s society are a dime a dozen. If you have nothing to to bring to the table you’re going to keep getting pumped and dumped. Girls with actual substance to offer in a relationship are not easily replaceable, and in many cases can be enough to look over a high n count.

What I said may seem a bit harsh but there is no comfort in honesty. Make the necessary changes and keep maintaining those changes so you can be in a better and healthier position.

growingstronk · 2017-10-29T18:12:32+00:00

Mistakes are worth it for the lessons learned.

Chin up soldier. You can't change your past, nor should you. It has made you who you are today, and the lessons learned have set you up to be the best person you can be.

And being the best person you can be for both yourself and your boyfriend/husband will be the only thing that truly matters at the end of the day.

Shaela90 · 2017-10-29T18:10:59+00:00

I hope the "as long as you behave" line was not you quoting your boyfriend.

Regarding your n-count ...what's done is done. You can't go back in time and change that. It's ok to realize sleeping around was a mistake. Learn from it and grow as a person. While you're at it, try to be the best person you can be RIGHT NOW. I find it too many times people stress about the past/future all the time and that stress bleeds into the present, making them miserable partners. This is how self-fulfilling prophecies are created.

Vet your boyfriend thoroughly and remember that you're not damaged goods just because of having a higher n-count. You can have a happy relationship if you work for it. Accept constructive criticism but don't let people who criticize just for the sake of it get to you. Build up your self esteem and don't accept sub par behavior just because you feel you've slept with too many people. First months of a relationship are just like job interviews ...no matter how much you need the job, you gotta stop for a second and ask yourself 'What about me? Do I WANT to work here?"

carefreevermillion · 2017-10-30T13:52:38+00:00

I'm almost 21 and I've slept with 5 guys (4 LTRs) including my current SO. I started when I was 14 (thanks Feminism) and I discovered red pill about a year ago. I feel you on feeling tainted. I regret all the sex besides 2 of them (including my SO), so I understand how you feel.

There's nothing you can do to change it, but you can focus on learning to love who you are now (and who you can grow to be) rather than hate who you've been. It will never fix your mistakes, and learning from them is imperative, but being loyal and good to your SO and treasuring him like the prize he is (I'm assuming) - that is what will make you a better person and partner. Best of luck.

redpilledsub · 2017-10-29T20:05:56+00:00

Hey, girl I’m sorry to hear how you’re feeling about yourself.

This is one of those situations where you really need to sit down and pick apart why you feel this way...

Being so sexually active as a minor wasn’t the best idea (nothing to do with slut-shaming, but it almost always affects one’s self-image if they’re sexualized from a young age).

That’s something you need to work through by accepting your past & by making genuine improvements in your personal life APART from a romantic relationship. It’s important to build your own character & identity because otherwise you start saying things like “I hate myself ...”

Your past is your past but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a brighter future.

What your bf said (“as long as you behave”) makes me really uncomfortable. Are you sure he isn’t insecure about his own lack of sexual history in comparison to you?

So far this whole situation seems to me like you are trying to bargain your worth while believing it’ll result in a loss. What benefit does it serve to say “I hate myself for my past” or whatever hangups you both have? This is no healthy foundation for a relationship. It won’t keep you faithful to him & it won’t make him love you more. This will likely breed resentment for you both.

He’s only 21 and You’re only 19. You’re not used goods & this guy is definitely NOT your last chance if that’s what you’re worried about.

Be sensible & don’t let a good guy pass you by (assuming he is one)— but don’t succumb to pressure sales like this Bc it won’t make either of you happy.

I hope it works out for the best for you both.

twelfthy · 2017-10-30T06:01:07+00:00

Honestly, you're overreacting in a huge way. You've had penetrative sex with 3 dudes.

You will find guys, especially online, who freak out over a couple of sexual partners, but in my wide and varied experience this is not the norm in the real world. Especially among well adjusted, attractive men.

Most women are not so prudish, and most men don't expect to deflower their bride. We're living in 2017, not the 1700s. You'll be fine :)

Blackhawk2479 · 2017-10-30T13:07:34+00:00

You cannot expect someone to love you when you don’t love yourself. So, first step, come to terms with your past, accept it and move on.

Secondly, my personal opinion is that your n count is not particularly high, but I have a pretty open mind and find experienced partners so much sexier and fun than the “saving themselves” types. Lots of other people think this way too.

Thirdly, insecurities abound here for both of you. Stop putting yourself down and assuming he is so much higher value than you because that is insecurity and it’s not attractive. Similarly, his being bothered by your n count and the “if you behave” warning also reek of insecurity - this is 2017 not 1917.

Finally, and I’m surprised nobody else has brought this up, you’re 19 and personally I’d be less worried about my n count and more concerned about why I am even contemplating marriage at such a young age. You are going to grow and change as a person dramatically over the next few years, and at 21, so is your partner. Your views and opinions on many things will change, who you are and what you want out of life and others could be completely at odds with how they are right now. This does not make a good recipe for a happy, long marriage.

The real kicker is that until you explore yourself and others sexually, you’re not going to know who and what you want. You can’t do that without incurring a few notches on the bed post. “Mistakes” in the short term now are much less destructive than longer term mistakes when you’re older.

Live your life, explore who you are and what you want, and most importantly, learn to love yourself.

gELSK · 2017-10-30T00:12:13+00:00

// , I still hold out hope for marriage, although, in my culture, its value proposition continues to wane.

Roosh had an interesting perspective on the relationship between dating and marriage, of which this post's sentiment reminds me:

http://www.rooshv.com/dating-doesnt-work

"How many people do you know who have been happily married for at least ten years? Now how many people do you know who have not been married for ten years and who likely have no hope for that outcome in the next decade? Unless you are a part of a religious community, I predict that you know far more people who have absolutely nothing to show for their dozens or hundreds of dates and hookups. As dating has become even more shallow thanks to apps like Tinder, most people will outright fail in finding a mate through the strategy of dating." Mainstream culture has taught them to essentially become a detached professional negotiator who plays endless psychological games while interacting with 1,000 or more potential partners in the hopes that one will work out. Imagine if you used this soul-crushing strategy with other areas of life.

Go on 1,000 job interviews to find one good job. There are a lot of jobs in the sea.
Test drive 100 cars to find the right car for you. Never settle for the car that isn’t perfect.
Inspect 500 homes to find your dream house. You deserve the absolute best.

Fuck, I'd rather BUILD a house than go through that. Or, to extend the metaphor, construct an animatronic spouse.

The gist? Dating, as a method of finding a man or a woman to MARRY, is not effective. I'm not sure how I should change my behavior to reflect this, but it's been on my mind, lately.

EDIT: You seem like you are capable of honesty with yourself, even brutal honesty. Regardless of what conclusions you come to from this kind of difficult introspection, don't forget its utility as a life skill.

Here's some relevant info from the bar of sideness:

Aren’t men that have a lot of sexual partners hypocrites for wanting a woman with a low number of sexual partners? And what’s wrong with FWBs and no-strings dynamics

Well, aren’t overweight women that want men with 12-pack abs hypocrites? What about women that want men to be gentleman and exercise chivalry while also treating them as completely equal? TRP and RPW believe that what makes men attractive is different from what makes women attractive. Men that can attract women are desirable, and his value is not affected negatively when he sleeps around. Women however are not afforded that same luxury. Women retain value by limiting the number of men that get them into bed. This shows that she has standards, as well as the wherewithal and backbone to guard one of her most precious commodities. Fairness has nothing to do with it because both TRP and RPW believe that men and women are fundamentally different on personal, physical, and biological levels.

https://www.forums.red/p/RedPillWomen/1188/frequently_asked_questions

lafleur00 · 2017-10-29T21:11:10+00:00

My n count is higher than that and my boyfriend actually thinks of it as a positive thing. He knows I am loyal and appreciates my experience and enthusiasm in the bedroom. That may be a more open mindset than many men, but at the very least you should not be condemned for it! You can't change the past nor should you dwell on it. However, I think it's very wise to be more selective with sexual partners in the future.

Willow-girl · 2017-10-30T00:01:22+00:00

Sex only has the significance that you attach to it -- no more and no less. You gave and received pleasure -- is that a crime? Was anyone harmed? If not, I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. JMO.

uebermacht · 2017-10-29T18:37:09+00:00

[deleted]

[deleted] · 2017-10-31T22:38:45+00:00

In my experience with women, 8 is quite low.

Forgot_Pword · 2017-10-29T21:59:28+00:00

Your n-count is 2. As a red pill woke guy I defer to the studies showing that n> 8 women have less success bonding and I use that mark as a rule of thumb.

Title	I hate myself because of my high n-count..advice?
Author	SchrodingerzKittycat
Upvotes	9
Comments	105
Date	October 29, 2017 6:23 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/79f2zv/i_hate_myself_because_of_my_high_ncountadvice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/i-hate-myself-because-of-my-high-n-countadvice.73675 https://theredarchive.com/post/73675

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