I’ve developed an aversion to marriage/commitment after being a plate.

AnnaAerials · 2018-09-05T12:37:30+00:00

Please don’t say you don’t belong here. RPW is a place for you no matter where you are on your journey. Thank you for sharing what you did.

I’ll say some things that I hope will help;

I have some strong similarities in experience to what you shared. This was because I had confused masculinity and “alpha” traits with the completely wrong thing. The alpha R/theredpill describes is NOT the same alpha man that many women of the RPW are seeking. A man that is interested in marriage, shows commitment, maturity, stability, is secure and provides safety etc IS what RPW are seeking.

This will come back to your view of relationships and your experience with your partner, I don’t mean to be out of line at all but if you are open to hearing this, when you involve yourself into a non traditional relationship like being a fwb, it messes with your head and heart completely, even if you are certain there was no love or emotional connection involved- in fact, I think having a very sterile and cold view towards love is fairly normal after an experience like that. Consider the fact that you may need time to heal. Time to reshape your expectations of men and to dive deeper into RPW.

For myself, my view was very obviously warped- I thought if a guy cheated/slept around it wasn’t a huge deal, I thought it was normal for men to raise their voices or throw things across the room if they were angry- I convinced myself that the things that were obviously problematic were in fact manly and alpha. Those things are obviously wrong, but things that go under the radar take longer to assess- such as the relationship you briefly described.

Think of it like this;

A man not giving you attention or his time so he can train you like a dog when he does give you his attention OR A man giving you his undivided attention, but setting boundaries when he needs to focus on work or have alone time- and communicating that fact.

Both scenarios the man is dominate, but one is obviously not healthy.

TLDR; Re-learn what an alpha man does and what it means by RPW guidelines. Don’t worry about your feelings as feelings catch up in the long run. What’s much more important is what you know and what you can call truth.

Ps: Four months ago I couldn’t imagine myself being in a committed relationship. Now I have a partner who is strong and caring- I still think he is crazy for wanting to be with me! So that part may not change

Ruinedgirl22 · 2018-09-05T12:04:28+00:00

I was a plate for ~13 years, pretty much wasted my late teens and early 20s pining after this guy and being on-again-off again with him.

I was 100% the definition of an alpha widow when we were "off". The good news is that this kept me off the carousel. The bad news is that I was letting myself be a plate because of some pretty severe self esteem issues and not knowing how to love myself at all.

When I found RPW, things kinda turned around for me. I blew up my on-again-off-again plate relationship, got some professional counseling, developed hobbies that make me feel good about myself, and started going to the gym. I just kind of blossomed.

When I first "got clean" from that relationship, I was DEAD certain I didn't want to be in a relationship again. I actually told my spinster aunt I wanted to be like her. At most, I thought I could tolerate having a man I saw once a week, but no more. No one was ever gonna come close to the man that plated me (in my mind), so why bother even trying.

I kept reading, learning, and improving. I duty dated a lot (I'm fairly isolated due to work and hobbies, so duty dating was a way for me to get social). I ended up meeting a phenomenal guy, and we're now in negotiations headed toward marriage.

The guy I'm with now is MILES better than anyone else I've ever been with, and our relationship is heaven. I never would have met him or been able to attract his love if I hadn't blown up the old relationship and written off all my expectations and requirements for a man.

Point is, I was once where you are. Just don't dwell on it. Address your root problems, and keep moving forward.

JJ3314 · 2018-09-05T18:11:41+00:00

"I’m sure that I can get commitment from many men but I don’t believe I would truly want any of them. It’s like in my mind, if a guy is high value, he won’t want to commit to me. And if a guy isn’t high value... I don’t even want to bother."

I suspect you are being overly optimistic about the willingness of your average man to want to get into a lifelong commitment with a woman. If this guy who plated you is really so much higher than you in SMV, you are likely at best "kind of" pretty. Most men, including average men, are not hard up to marry a "kind of pretty" woman, because many women carry with them some serious issues with emotional negativity that can seriously undermine their perceived attractiveness for a permanent relationship. Men set a lower bar than women for whom they are willing to sleep with, but that does not equate with who they would happily marry. Getting into a nebulous LTR is something many of them are willing to do as well, because it's not an ultimate commitment--it's more like slow-mo promiscuity; every woman knows about relationships that drag on forever without the proposal, even if the guys aren't alphas.

This is not meant as an insult, but to point out that these non-alpha guys are probably not quite as desperate as you think. The percentage of those guys who would enthusiastically marry you (as opposed to date you for a few months or a year) is likely smaller-potentially much smaller, but I think your hypergamy is distorting your view of them. This is a shame: it's hard to develop a genuine appreciation for a person if you judge them as unworthy from the get-go.

EmotionalSupportRat · 2018-09-05T12:33:12+00:00

How have you improved? What are your physical and non-physical "flaws" that in your eyes decrease your SMV? Do you have daddy issues or have been unwanted in school by guys? Sometimes that really messes with women and they undervalue themselves as only plate material. Honestly, with the right willpower and a nice enough face....you can usually get a high SMV guy (if you are not old). It's mostly in the head in my observation. Or lack of willpower combined with denial (e.g. concerning weight and fitness).

WonderWomanxoxo · 2018-09-05T14:59:16+00:00

Girl you'll be fine, seems to me that you just lack self confidence. DON'T over analyze things. If a guy wants to commit to you then hes actually into you. Let love happen.

loneliness-inc · 2018-09-05T12:38:17+00:00

I’m sure that this is probably a self-esteem thing that can be worked on.

Sure, that's good too, but it isn't the only thing. You also need to assess what you have to offer a man and what you'd like him to offer you. See how closely the two match up.

ta1901 · 2018-09-06T18:34:17+00:00

If you're not ready for commitment, you're not ready. And that's ok!

Also, what is a plate?

The really messed up part is that if a guy that I want is willing to commit to only me, I’m afraid that I might assume that something is wrong with him and be turned off. So, this is definitely a personal issue.

Sounds like you need to find the root of this issue, bare it, and deal with it head on. You go girl! The only thing holding you back is you. Don't be afraid to succeed.

LateralThinker13 · 2018-09-07T22:14:20+00:00

The really messed up part is that if a guy that I want is willing to commit to only me, I’m afraid that I might assume that something is wrong with him and be turned off. So, this is definitely a personal issue.

"I would not want to be a member of any club that would accept me."

Yeah, you have issues.

I definitely don’t have daddy issues- my dad is like the perfect man, treats my mother like a queen to this day. I do have immense guilt about having had such a healthy view of marriage from a young age yet being in the state I’m in, though.

Guilt? For what? Your parents have a great marriage. They're role models, sounds like. But let me come back to this one.

I was very much so an outcast in school and teased by girls and guys alike. I was extremely socially awkward/inept and had very hard time fitting in.

And there's the low self-esteem I was waiting for.

I’ve worked on this and although I’m still not as social as I should be, I don’t think people could call me “weird” anymore (or as much lol).

Two things. First, you care too much what others think of you. Second, what's wrong with weird? EMBRACE your uniqueness.

Physically, I was always underweight, very awkwardly skinny. In the past year I’ve started putting on weight and it seems to have gone to all the right places (I always get complimented on my curves). My face has always been “cute”. Not pretty, cute. I recently started wearing makeup to have more of a mature look.

So now your SMV has come up, but intellectually you still see yourself as undesirable. You must have some people whose opinions you value. Ask THEM their honest opinion of your strengths and weaknesses, attractiveness, etc. Because I guarantee your self-image is nothing like what everybody else thinks of you.

I’m sure that I can get commitment from many men but I don’t believe I would truly want any of them.

I don't believe you. I'm going to armchair-psychologise you for a minute. I think you're setting this up as a defense to your bad decision to reject this guy. You weren't a plate if you killed the relationship. So now you're covering up your mistake. Punishing yourself. The only men you would entertain a marriage proposal from are those who won't offer it. Net effect - you will never fail in a relationship again. In your mind, you are highly desirable on one hand, and have high standards on the other. You aren't settling.

But in reality, you have low self esteem due to your poor choices. And you won't admit them, even though the guy wants you back! Low self-esteem often masquerades as HIGH self-esteem, BTW. You ~~were~~ rejected by a high-SMV man after being ~~a plate~~ his girlfriend for a while. You ~~failed~~ chose not to land him. That's ~~rejection~~ your screwup. And you aren't handling it well.

Furthermore, the fact that you ~~can't score~~ pissed away the potentially perfect marriage that your parents have is more evidence of your failure/unworth. You have to rationalize that failure away by saying, "I’m sure that I can get commitment from many men". Uh huh. Not buying it.

That's my $20 opinion. (I'm worth more than 2 cents) But you should get a professional's opinion. IANAP, I just play one on Reddit.

EDITED because I didn't realize that other post was by you. It really changes the context of this one. Italics/strikethroughs are changes.

cynicalhousewife · 2018-09-09T16:09:45+00:00

If he wasn't in love with you, or willing to commit to you, then whatever you had with him really isn't worth all this energy. There was obviously something missing in this relationship, otherwise you would be together right now, committed to one another.

What is it about this man that was so great that other men available to you do not have? Are you sure you are not just seeing him through rose tinted spectacles? It sounds to me like you developed feelings and that you haven't gotten over the loss of this relationship that never even got to the stage that you wanted it to in the first place.

I think you are idealising him and what you could have had with him and that you need to come back down to earth.

Stop comparing other men to this man in particular.

Take some time out to care for yourself, and reflect on your own wants and desires. Work out what it really is that you want from a man. Set some personal boundaries in the meantime so you don't get dragged into something like this again. Be realistic, not idealistic. Idealism is a recipe for disaster. Never put another human being on a pedestal. Think in terms of practicality and compatibility next time.

freew33zy · 2018-09-05T17:09:36+00:00

Look for a guy that'll push for something like a one-way open relationship. My GF knows a little bit of TRP and agrees a man who'd agree to monogamy is making himself less attractive, but I never wanted to give her that. I have, however, given her a lot of attention and affection throughout our 2-year relationship. It's a good balance that keeps us fucking every day, but doesn't leave her feeling worthless as a person either.

Title	I’ve developed an aversion to marriage/commitment after being a plate.
Author	Ruinedgirl22
Upvotes	11
Comments	26
Date	September 5, 2018 10:57 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/9d5d20/ive_developed_an_aversion_to_marriagecommitment/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/ive-developed-an-aversion-to-marriagecommitment.75100 https://theredarchive.com/post/75100

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