Starting a social circle/ life from zero. I’m looking for some much needed advice.

FDS_elderGoth · 2021-05-28T23:27:36+00:00

After I got divorced, I changed cities and had to start a friendship group all over again in my 40s. I found that it took about two years to build up some close, intimate friendships (and one of those years was 2020, so ymmv on how long it takes you). So my primary piece of advice is have patience.

My second piece of advice is find something that interests you that gets you out of the house and meeting new people, where you'll see each other regularly so you have a chance to bond and share something in common before you try to hang out solo. I got into community theater in 2019 and that's how I met all my friends in the new city. Making new friends is a lot like dating--most of them won't work out, a handful will.

I tried Bumble BFF and it has the same problems that apps do with dating vs meeting someone organically through your social circle or interests. It's a haven for the socially inept and socially broken--people who turn off the people who know them in real life so they hide behind a faked persona on an app.

You have an advantage of being in your 20s, where the percentage of people looking to make new friends is higher than when you're older (though for any over 30's worrying about making new friends, it can totally be done with the aforementioned patience and legwork).

And here's a hard-won piece of advice from someone who also had depression, anxiety and CPTSD in my 20s: don't wear it on your sleeve. This may sound a bit blunt, but don't dump your shit on people too early when building a relationship. Let a bond build where you're just having fun and they learn they can trust you and that they won't have to be your free therapist, before you start letting them in on your problems. And even then, treat it like a spice--a little goes a long way, too much can ruin the dish. I encourage you to look into finding a therapist you feel good and safe being vulnerable with ASAP so you can have someone to talk about the heavier aspects of your life with so that you have an outlet that isn't burgeoning relationships. Firstly because you don't want to scuttle them before they have a chance to take root, and also because people who bond with you over your trauma, or seem to, can have bad motivation for doing so and you don't need to be used anymore than you already have been by these lvm you've been using as a crutch.

I also encourage you to try believing yourself worthy of someone genuine who likes you for you. Try it on like a dress. You don't have to keep it on all the time if it's uncomfortable at first, but it's a fake it til you make it type situation. The reason you seek out lvm is you believe someone with your "damage" is not worthy of someone genuine. Been there, doll. It's a bullshit lie you tell yourself, aided and abetted by the cultural misogyny that labels women as damaged goods for the slightest deviation from the sweet, smiling bangmaid archetype.

I wish you luck on your journey, little sis! ❤️

Edited to add, just thought of another practical tip. Find a coffee shop or someplace like that where you can hang out and read a book or work on a project and become a regular. It's a quick and easy way of feeling some connection that takes the edge off being lonely while you're patiently building friendships. They know my name and my order at my local bagel shop, and I have friendly conversation with a lot of the other regulars. It saved my damn mind during 2020 (outdoor seating) when community theater was shut down.

Crafty_Collar8183 · 2021-05-29T01:05:40+00:00

I'm in the same space as you. I realized I was around a lot of LV people and it was all very one sided.

First and foremost, be your own best friend. A lot of my previous friends would shame me for the littlest things, and I realized they were very unhappy and jealous people. Being surrounded by those people only made me feel lonelier, and they actually put me in danger as well. So be your own best friend.

Second, think about your boundaries and limits. Not what you tolerate. To tolerate is to slowly poison yourself. Boundaries. And stick to them.

Third, it's probably best to stop looking for them. When you start to unfold your life, you'll eventually meet the right people. I used to go all out and say hi to everyone, be friends with everyone. Little did I know there are a lot of LV people out there waiting for someone to take advantage of.

WiggleWormDelux · 2021-05-29T01:04:48+00:00

I moved a lot when I was younger, I would make friends through: Volunteering Classes Work

Really if you get along at all with another woman, invite her over to hang out, do a craft, or to go out to dinner. Anything. Some people are not friendly, but many are. It is hard to put yourself out there like that, but it gets easier every time.

SlightlyCapsized · 2021-05-29T04:37:51+00:00

I lost a lot of my 20s to mental illness, a codependent bf and long hours at work. What worked for me was to join activities and hobbies with strangers. I started volunteering and going to events I found on Airbnb and Meetup (parties mainly but also karaoke, boardgames, language exchanges). Another thing I did was focus on leveling up, therapy kinda put me into that mindset. So I focused a ton on getting better healthwise and being at peace, tried religion, travelling, hit the gym, welp anything and everything that could maybe help, I did. I have no idea what of everything worked, but all these experiences sure turned me into a different person and it was easier to make friends vs before when all I could talk about was work and my forever relationship. Basically I had to get a personality to get a life.

Buuut...I also dropped the bf, changed jobs and got on therapy and meds. The experience showed me that we can get through anything and rebuild a life as many times as we need to. I think you might benefit from setting standards of the type of people you want to surround yourself with and then thinking about where to find them, apply fds to friendship.

gutsandgorey · 2021-05-29T02:56:04+00:00

I'm in the same place you are. Mental illness sucks but you're not alone <3.

nebsemi · 2021-05-28T23:19:21+00:00

I don't have any advice because I have no friends either.

elainejay82 · 2021-05-29T11:14:12+00:00

I'm starting over at 35 and have moved states! I'm planning on joining some groups or classes for things I enjoy. ALL FEMALE hiking groups. Maybe some art classes. I'm staying completely away from men. Yet, even old scrotes from a decade prior have managed to contact me. The actual audacity.

Just honestly, do whatever feels right. Hole up and rebuild for a while or get out and see some things that interest you. But whatever you do, stay away from men for a long while. You will soon start to see "loneliness" is honestly just peace.

Let friends come naturally by working on being the best version of you. True friends will gravitate towards you when you project your best self. It's funny because the same advice we give for men, we can use for making friends. Don't force it. Be out a little bit. Level up and take care of yourself. And then watch real friends start crawling out of the woodwork to have a place in your life. But I think above all, get comfortable with being by yourself until that happens. You won't meet good people until you learn to appreciate YOU and time alone with yourself.

Best of luck and don't forget; until you meet "your people," everything you need is already inside of you. 💜

pickadaisy · 2021-05-29T16:29:32+00:00

I’m almost 40 and have moved around a lot so I have become adjusted to starting over. Find what hobbies you like and get out and do them. Be immediately vulnerable (not in a way that harms you, just be willing to share your weirdness) to strangers and see who sticks. Invite people to things and accept invitations. Ask questions and genuinely care to know people and share openly about your life (again in a way that’s safe for you).

There are also great FB women’s groups that pop up in cities/states. See what you can find.

Don’t worry about the past and what you lack. There is infinite love and friendship out there. I promise you.

lifesok · 2021-05-29T14:32:33+00:00

I moved a few years ago to a new state and used meet up to find women focused groups. I tried a few different types, dog groups, running, crafting, movies (all women exclusive). I found participants in the crafting/art groups the most consistent and they had the most variety of ages and backgrounds. It took about 2 years but I have an amazing social circle of HV women.

Title	Starting a social circle/ life from zero. I’m looking for some much needed advice.
Author	AshleyAmai
Upvotes	201
Comments	15
Date	May 28, 2021 10:32 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/nn9gpw/starting_a_social_circle_life_from_zero_im/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/starting-a-social-circle-life-from-zero-im-looking.774777 https://theredarchive.com/post/774777

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