Hello ladies! Here’s an idea for keeping your mind clear and objective in your relationships, especially if you’re prone to forgetting things or if you’re dealing with a man whose red flags are teeny tiny and almost invisible (minor slips, but consistent).

Keep an “objectivity” journal every day! No need to go super in-depth and describe your feelings etc in this journal, just stick to the facts. Things like “today he started scrolling on his phone while I talked to him. He apologized profusely, but only after I expressed how rude that was”.

When I did this, I even used little icons on my calendar. I’d put a little heart on the days where he did everything a decent partner would do (as his issue was more the inaction rather than the wrong action).

After some time, the pattern emerges and becomes clear. How many times did he mess up? How many times did you talk about it? And did he continue messing up the same way after? How often was he actually meeting a minimum benchmark of decency?

I know this may seem like an excessive measure to many of you - no second chances, send him off the second he acts shitty. But sometimes the issues are tiny, but consistent, and they can be hard to spot for some of us who have a tendency to forgive. It’s easy to know a man who strangled you and kicked your dog is an abuser you should leave, but what if he just didn’t speak up sometimes when his mother criticized you subtly? Moreover, sometimes these patterns emerge later in a relationship, when you’re already deeeeep in, and you can’t see the forest from the trees (or even if you do, emotionally it’s just too difficult to let go).

With this data, you’ll have a clearer picture of what is really happening and why you feel the way you do. You can have more motivation to respect yourself by looking back on the cold-hard evidence.

If you’re a sucker for spreadsheets like me, you can graph that shit out. For fun. Or for the slideshow on your breakup!