Uncovering 30 years of repressed emotions and realising how I allowed so many people to treat me like dirt and it HURTS, so much greif I literally feel ill, how do you deal with this?

Astral_weaver · 2021-07-11T16:56:00+00:00

Love, I come from a similar situation (pickme stepmom and LV father) so what you are describing is really familiar. NO, you didn't chose shitty people for yourself, it is not your fault for knowing only this type of relational dynamic.

The emotions that you feel are more than valid but you surely need to approach them with the help of a therapist, if you are not in therapy already. It is never "too late" to unlearn your trauma related conditioning.

While you process grief and anger do not to push yourself to "do stuff" that you don't feel like. Pamper yourself with the things that you need and if you don't know what are those things focus on figuring them out.

If anger makes you feel tired then rest, take a break from things, do anything that you find relaxing and give a bare minimum to things that have to be done till you get better. You are experiencing a great shift and it is scary, it is frustrating, but you got it.

Last but not least focus on what qualities you want from the people in your life. Find acquaintances that have these qualities and the potential for being your future friends. Of course stay away from dating, you will find that healing is easier without it in your life.

I hope the best for you. Take care sister. 🌺

springtulip475 · 2021-07-11T17:09:08+00:00

i really relate to you (my mom is a pick me and my dad is an LVM). we didn’t consciously choose LV people as friends and boyfriends, we simply didn’t have the knowledge or the tools to recognize that we were recreating our relationship dynamic with our parents with other individuals. it’s better to come to these realizations late than never. therapy is an extremely useful tool to sort through your emotions, manage them, understand them, learn from them etc. examine your relationship with your parents, your friendships, your ex relationships with men and use what you learn to set boundaries and standards. self-reflection and introspection will help you identify what you want and need in interpersonal relationships. take it one day at a time as you go through the stages of grief. when you feel angry, release the anger through exercise, when you feel sad, pamper yourself by taking a bubble bath, when you feel tired, recharge by reading one of the books in the FDS reading list etc. self care can be productive if you tune in to your emotions and make changes step by step. wish you all the best on your journey. ❤️

MissouriBlue · 2021-07-11T17:34:08+00:00

I have the same background dynamic.

I’ve spent my life trying to build a life with friends and mates that are either narcissists or sociopaths. Those are fun spouses to waste a life with…

I’ve decided that therapy is the only thing that is going to help me unload 55 years of baggage.

I think when we get TOO ingrained in a behavior that we need guidance to figure it out and change our mindset.

You can do this. I’ll hold your hands from afar and we can both work on ourselves. 💕

I’ve not found a therapist yet, as I’ve had physical issues to heal (broken wrists in February) and health issues to deal with… once my “foundation” is solid, then I’m going to peek inside my skull and see if I can get some help cleaning house up there!

While you wait for therapy to begin, do NOT date. Take some time and Care for yourself.

You aren’t alone. You have your FDS Sisters.

AngryTiger69 · 2021-07-11T16:59:18+00:00

Aww. Well I’m glad you are realizing this at 32. And trust me - you aren’t alone. We all have our own very different stories relating to how we’ve been treated by men. I am disappointed in myself for some of the things I’ve tolerated. I was also raised in a traditional family where my father showed little respect for my mother and how much work she put into taking care of him. A part of me has internalized that one sided relationships with the woman doing emotional labor is normal.

The best we can do is focus on our futures and how we can navigate them to build a better life for ourselves. And to learn from the mistakes of our past. I’ve been taken advantage by men when I was younger and I didn’t know how to set boundaries, nor was I strong enough to overcome my own infatuation to walk away from men who weren’t treating me right. You need to forgive yourself for the mistakes you made when you were younger.

I hope you seek out therapy and get the help you need to cope with your past. And try as best as you can to exercise, eat healthy, avoid drugs and alcohol, make good friends, find hobbies, become financially independent, etc.

FirePreferred_theOG · 2021-07-11T18:37:48+00:00

Hello there beautiful soul. I’m sorry that you are hurting. Please know that you are not alone and never are.

When we compare ourselves to anyone else all these “rules” about where, and who, and how we should be bubble up. We may say we are ‘supposed’ to be a certain way by a certain age/time. But that is a rule we’ve developed in our mind and not the truth.

32 is not too old, 53 is not too old, even 95 is not too old!! To change. To learn. To decide to choose different.

I say this having had to pull myself out of my own circumstance at an age I once the thought was too old. But I came to realize I kept repeating the same mistakes until I finally got it....I finally broke the pattern. It took as long as it took, period. End of story.

You have come so far by merely accepting you want better and want to do better!! That is huge!! Be gentle on you, proud of you, and also encouraging of yourself to stay on the path.

Take it one day at a time. Start small, as you’re able exercise a little, choose better foods for your body, start counseling or at least journaling. It is a marathon, not a sprint. The road is long but you get so much stronger along the way, I promise.

mamadgaf · 2021-07-11T19:25:25+00:00

I have been there, I married an abusive man because I was raised in an abusive household. My dad is verbally abusive and my mother, raised by an alcoholic, is codependent and taught me her codependent ways. She constantly validated my ex-husband’s poor behavior, telling me, “that’s just how men are.” He cheated on me (probably more than once but the last one he married), I filed for divorce and in my early 40’s had to start over with two kids (they’re now teenagers).

I get it, it’s hard. My best advice is to get a therapist to help you process, educate yourself on codependency, and work on healing. In order to heal you need to allow yourself to feel everything instead of trying to bypass it to heal. I spent a lot of time crying in a hot bath. I grieved my failed marriage, the loss of a man who evolved into a bitter and angry person, wasted years, and so much more. I allowed myself to be angry, sad, happy, grateful, scared, and everything in between. I spent half my life married to a man who was supposed to love, support, and protect me, and instead he abused me. That was tough, really tough, to deal with.

Just remember, it’s not your fault. Find the gratitude that you’ve made it this far and now you’re aware. Focus on healing and moving forward when you’re ready (don’t get stuck in victim mode).

hope-wallace · 2021-07-11T19:36:07+00:00

Virtual hugs. I'm going through something similar at age 42. Your emotions are valid and will likely be stored in your body until you release them. I hope you can find a therapist who can help you through this. I would also recommend "How to do the work" (LePera) and reading up on polyvagal theory, somatic experiencing, etc.

thinktwiceorelse · 2021-07-11T20:04:32+00:00

I know what you mean. It's like I was reborn. And I'm learning everything all over again.

Platipus6 · 2021-07-11T23:55:17+00:00

So many of us have been through this, you're not alone.

There are heaps of techniques and wonderful advice to get through this stage and start healing.

The books "The body keeps the score" and "Feeling good" are a great start. Stop those negative thoughts re-affirming themselves and creating a 4-lane highway through your brain. There are videos on how to stop ruminating too. And meditations for "I am" affirmations.

Breathwork and yoga. I do box breathing (in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4) x10, three times a day to get back to para-sympathetic. Focus on feeling your body and relaxing every limb. I'm finally getting into a deep sleep. Be gentle, do light stretching and 30 minutes of strolling. Hardcore exercise is a stressor and creates cortisol. Moderate exercise creates oxytocin. Get a weather app and get 20 mins of sunlight when the UV is 4, vitamin D helps with depression and will regulate your melatonin so you can have a natural wake/sleep cycle.

Drink water and eat leafy green veggies. There is heaps of new information about the gut microbiome and the brain lately.

Forgive yourself. They were the shitty ones. You're safe now.

Thelimitdoes · 2021-07-11T23:29:31+00:00

Answer is one day at a time 🙏🏻

SorceressManifest · 2021-07-12T00:21:19+00:00

Same boat -- processing trauma to create change in oneself ain't for the pickmes! It's tough AF but worth it. I highly recommend solution-focused CBT therapy. Also check out the YouTube channel Therapy in a Nutshell. She has many videos about processing trauma and other topics that are so good!!!

Comments