Continue with lawyer or get an arbitrator?

Feinixaway · 2022-05-18T14:54:59+00:00

without screwing her over

This post is one of best I've seen here so far:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/us6mw3/8_mistakes_men_should_avoid_during_divorce/

You have to look out for yourself and your kids first.

Dell_Hell · 2022-05-18T14:48:09+00:00

Fight the alimony as much as possible. It is a massive pain to get adjusted, often involving lawyers and failing.

If you lose your job, you are expected to sell every damn thing you own to keep paying alimony / spousal support - including taking out LOANS to pay it.

So yeah, fight it with every breath in you.

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-05-18T15:15:50+00:00

I'm assuming you're in the US. If you aren't, please clarify your jurisdiction.

It doesn't matter what she wants. While marriage takes two to make it work, divorce only requires one dissatisfied spouse.

Yes, a judge can change your agreement -- in certain situations. For example, if you both agree that no Child Support is needed, either party can petition the court later to implement CS guidelines. And the court will happily oblige, because states receive financial incentives from the federal government to enforce CS. The judge can do this because the court always retains the "best interest of the children". It's why you can't have CS included in a prenup.

Spousal Support is a wildcard and highly depends on your jurisdiction. Within the US, there are 51 at least different standards for spousal support. In some states it's rehabilitative, lasting only 3 years (Indiana). In others, if you have a 10 year marriage (California), there is no set termination date for spousal support. If you have a 20 year marriage (MA), then spousal support is permanent.One strategy you can employ is to offer her a lump sum, in lieu of paying ongoing spousal support. You do this at a discount. For example, if you're ordered to pay her SS over 10 years that amounts to $100k, you'd offer to pay her $60-$65k as a lump sum during the marital settlement. Not having SS revisitable can be an advantage. There's alot of personal calculus here, and is something to bring up with your attorney and your specifics. There's a huge psychological relief knowing you aren't under her thumb for years after the divorce.

Your 19yo is not a party to the divorce. Your 16yo is old enough to "vote with their feet".

Eve-3 · 2022-05-18T14:44:10+00:00

Now that you understand the process and what is reasonable/realistic you can try the cheaper route of an arbitrator. Keep in mind all that you've learned and if you think it isn't going appropriately you can always get a lawyer then. Just don't sign anything you don't agree with. At any point in the process you can get a lawyer, it's not a one time option and you're stuck with it.

If the agreement looks very one sided a judge can step in and modify your agreement. Well, he can any time. But is very unlikely to if everything seems somewhere near fair.

Alimony is generally fixed. (It can go up but it rarely goes down) There are online calculators for many states that will let you know what is typical where you are, both how much and for how long. Don't agree to more than is required. If you want to gift her more later that's your business but once it's in the divorce document you are stuck with it. Give the minimum.

Your 16 year old is entitled to child support. Whichever parent he doesn't live with pays the parent he does live with. Duration varies, some go until 18th birthday or high school graduation, others include college costs or maintenance through college. If the child lives with the higher earner this does not mean the lower earner doesn't pay child support. It isn't for you it is for him. No I don't mean hand him a check, though you can if you want. All the costs of his daily life are yours. That's what the money is meant for.

Character_Hippo90 · 2022-05-18T15:58:42+00:00

These are all things you need to discuss with your attorney. The safe bet is to aggressive, not lenient, and seek modifications later. A judge can always change agreements, but most competent attorneys should be able to draft things well beforehand.

derelictherds · 2022-05-18T17:15:47+00:00

Tell your wife that you found a lawyer that can take care of all the paperwork and process the divorce for both of you, but do not mention that it's actually your lawyer or that they can technically only represent you. Your lawyer will probably take care of the divorce for a flat fee as long as it's uncontested. The problem with this approach is that you and the stbx will have to be 100% on the same page. You'll have to broker a settlement with your wife directly and if you get hung up at any point then your divorce is no longer uncontested. You have keep emotions in check during this process and avoid sharing feelings, fears, strategies, etc with your stbx. Keep it friendly and professional. My divorce started out like this, but went off the rails after my ex decided to talk to a lawyer. He filled her head full of nonsense and convinced her I was trying to screw her over. This turned into a months long and costly shit show and in the end she got a worse deal than what was originally offered.

Alimony laws vary by state. In my state alimony can't be changed unless conditions for modification are spelled out explicitly in the agreement. My decree says that alimony can be terminated if the stbx cohabits or remarries and can be reduced if my income decreases by 15% or more. This is definitely something you want to get right and should be discussed with an experienced lawyer. Also be sure to include an explicit end date and possibly verbiage prohibiting her from asking for more at some point down the road.

whiskey_piker · 2022-05-20T21:13:24+00:00

Oh boy. Yes, keep your attorney and keep pushing hard to close this out before she comes to her senses. A Mediator is crap because all they are looking for is to get an agreement - not a good agreement. Our state forded (3) mediation meetings in an effort to reduce the drain on the court. My Ex spent about 20mins arguing w/ the mediator about why i was being referred to as “Parent A”; because in her mind i was not the top parent. She blew off the other two meetings. SPEND THE MONEY.

Yes, a judge can sign your agreed / signed settlement.

Child Support goes through your State’s calculator and is usually online (or there is a state calculator you can use). Alimony is usually purely negotiated. Of course if you lose your job you aren’t going to be locked up. You’ll owe what you owe. Get a new job that pays less and then you’ll need to open a new case and have the court review the changes in your situation. Just think of the number of Men that experience a “job loss and pay reduction” after getting their alimony set.

16 is a great age. If that child truly doesn’t want to spend time w/ EX then the court cannot force or enforce parenting time. I just went through this w/ my 15/17yrs kids. They had enough of Mom and refused to go. Ex took me to court - female judge this time. Ex got obliterated by Judge after she heard testimony from kids. Haven’t heard from Ex in 6mos.

NITAREEDDESIGNS · 2022-05-18T22:31:20+00:00

Lawyer...if you can afford one. Arby is sometimes a little too easygoing.

pegleg_legal · 2022-05-19T01:22:42+00:00

The main thing, my wife shows no interest in getting a lawyer or even learning about the process.

This means she doesn't want to get divorced. So if that's the case, why waste time mediating, negotiating or anything? Divorce is cheaper, faster and easier when it's a voluntary process for both sides but when it's not, then there's really no point to waste time. Counterpoint: if she'll sign anything you put in front of her, well, then get a decent agreement put together and go for it. Either way you'll need to file and mediation/arbitration/whatever is a waste of time and money.

Another question is can a judge just step in a modify and agreement, even if both parties have signed it?

Technically no because then it wouldn't be an agreement, but the judge can refuse to enter the JDOM if they find any parts of it objectionable for any legitimate reason. In which case, the parties will need to modify it until it meets the court's satisfaction.

canival9885 · 2022-05-19T09:35:17+00:00

Women have so many things in their favor why do her anymore? At this point you have to do what’s right and fair for yourself. If it’s amicable great, keep it that way but if she decides to go scorched earth and fight you on everything and your not prepared than your up shit’s creek without a paddle. Just get your ducks in a row and be prepared for anything is all I’m suggestion.

VintageSheppard · 2022-05-19T14:19:49+00:00

I’ll add that most states require both spouses to complete a financial disclosure in order to calculate alimony and child support and enter into a spreadsheet that says you pay her every month. This almost always works against the man.

If you get a lawyer most likely you will have to complete this financial disclosure for the court.

If you get some guidance from an attorney but go thru mediation then you can avoid this financial disclosure. The mediators will attempt to identify all assets, debts etc and try to divide them based on a percentage derived from your income vs hers. If you are a savvy negotiator this is your best opportunity to lesson your burden post divorce. Most mediations have a time limit…say no all the way to the end and then say what you are willing to do. Do not be soft on your wife…you will pay dearly…you don’t owe her anything even if you were a dick in your marriage.

You don’t want half your income going to anyone but yourself.

Title	Continue with lawyer or get an arbitrator?
Author	Road_to_independence
Upvotes	11
Comments	19
Date	May 18, 2022 2:27 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/use6ro/continue_with_lawyer_or_get_an_arbitrator/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/continue-with-lawyer-or-get-an-arbitrator.1119488 https://theredarchive.com/post/1119488

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