Dont know what to do hurting

Ok-Guidance6491 · 2025-10-02T00:42:12+00:00

OP please look up midlife crisis!!! At least it will help explain. The pain will be there regardless. But it will fade with time. I am sorry, brother. We all thought it wouldn’t happen…until it did.

Sad_Hamster_8504 · 2025-09-27T20:20:59+00:00

IMO divorced after 20 yrs w a cheating spouse… it’s been going on WAY longer than six weeks. Either way you have to change the channel and focus on you and you kids if u have them w her. There’s zero u can do about it and you’re the King here. Act like it by taking the high road and getting stronger mentally, physically and most importantly spiritually. Praying for you🙏

Royal-Reporter6664 · 2025-09-27T18:17:43+00:00

It won't last , stay strong for when she tries crawling back

xolotl92 · 2025-09-27T17:57:52+00:00

I'm right there with you man. We just had our 25th anniversary in June, and she told me a little over a month ago she wanted a divorce. She is starting to see one of the guys she hired (she runs a real estate office) and even took him over to her parents house for a family dinner. We took a family vacation a few weeks before she told me, we went camping, and acted like everything was fine. We hung out, went rowing a boat on the lake, slept together like everything was ok...and then, it all turned off overnight. Stay strong man, it's all we have is our strength. We'll get through it, and come out stronger on the other side...and find a new guy to handle your stuff, of course.

NilesGuy · 2025-09-27T17:10:28+00:00

No sense grieving over a person who wasn’t real nor loved you. Sounds like you were in a manipulationship. Get a good therapist , find a good lawyer and cut your losses. Hopefully you can work out a fair settlement agreement that avoids court. Allow yourself time to heal.

Helpful-Paramedic463 · 2025-09-27T13:04:13+00:00

Sad truth, she was probably banging him before she asked for a divorce.

Process the pain and grief. Take your time.

Quiet-Cookie149 · 2025-09-27T12:22:16+00:00

Other people’s actions…I struggled with my wife’s actions as well.

Take a minute to accept where things are heading and focus less on her actions and how her choices impact your marriage. She has to carry that, not you.

alifeofpeace · 2025-09-27T11:03:32+00:00

It’s time for you to grieve the loss of your marriage. Find a safe space for you put on some good meditation music and cry it out. Most definitely get yourself a therapist. If you are a spiritual man or religion right now, it’s not a bad idea either. Make sure you walk get out in nature if you can go to park whatever it is walking is very therapeutic. And of course the gym is an option too, which can help you distress. Good luck, my friend.

Pleasant-Mechanic-49 · 2025-09-27T10:24:11+00:00

Which state? Some still allow a fault based one and apply the home wrecker law ie u could use the BF for marital damage and get lot of $$$.
STD checks asap
DNA for all the kids( don't ask/ tell them/her) u cant be sure when she really started cheating

Gather all the proof or her cheating. Could be used down the divorce road.

Dotb leave the 🏠!!! Even if she ask you. Unless u plan to financially bleed or a judge force you to do so

Totesmagotes24x7 · 2025-09-27T09:44:23+00:00

So sorry to hear that. Some of the people in these comments are right, she's been doing this longer than 7 weeks. I'm going through something similar right now. 19 years of marriage and for the last year something seemed off. We get divorced and she goes on "errands" or has an "appointment" and disappears for half the day. Even bought a hotel room for the night because she said she was scared to be in the house despite the fact she had no problem sleeping here before that and now after it. She just dropped a "work trip" on me with 3 wks notice. This shit can be devastating and hard to deal with. I truly believe some woman are pure evil with no moral compass.

serkovavantgarden · 2025-09-27T09:27:45+00:00

Mate this hasn’t been going on for 7 weeks

This has been going on a while, maybe not physically but definitely emotionally which by the way, is possibly worse

Get your things in order mate. It’s time to go to war.

When you find yourself flagging and playing nice guy, just remember that she’s letting the physio have the nastiest sex ever and letting him do things she told you were ‘disgusting’.

Do not give her an inch

MrsManglesBangles · 2025-09-27T09:05:16+00:00

Sorry man, that's rough. You'll need time to adjust and find yourself again but you will most certainly be better off!

We were together 20 years and married for just over a year before we split. Not sure if it was the marriage, menopause, mid life or other things that changed but it is what it is.

Look after yourself, eat well, limit drink, no drugs, exercise often and try and keep your composure in front of her. Don't let this turn you bitter but make you even better.

Sending you support!

Gattsama · 2025-09-27T08:19:30+00:00

Sorry for the drama in the BS. Odds are high that she did not ask for the separation and then initiate the affair, she likely's been having the affair for a while, once it became clear that that was a stable and safe place for her to land, she then told you that the marriage should end.

This is going to suck to hear and it's going to be even harder to go through, but the truth is you need to move to letting go and releasing her. You ultimately do not want to be with this type of woman. You ultimately do not want to be with somebody that does not love you and choose you. You ultimately do not want to be with somebody that lies, manipulates, and cheats on you.

One of the first steps in that, although it might seem minor, is to stop referring to her as your wife. Instead of writing "my wife," it's "the STBX" (soon to be ex). It's part of the slow process of disengaging from the past, accepting the present, and moving to the future.

Also kind of hard to hear right now and even possibly accept is that she has been planning this for months if not years. One of the reasons she seems to so quickly move on is because she is already gone through the grieving process, anger, and the emotional roller coaster. While for you this is a shotgun blast to the chest. You are still reeling from the initial blow, and still working on the first step towards healing and recovery.

Take the time to mourn what was lost. Seek professional counseling, talk to friends and family, seek religious guidance, whatever works best for you. It's okay to mourn, but then recognize that the reason your morning is because the marriage is dead. And as hard as this is to hear right now, it's good that the marriage is dead. You do not want to be with this woman, it's just going to take a while for your heart to catch up with that fact.

Don't drink, don't do drugs, don't gamble. Millions of men have come before you, and unfortunately millions more are still to come. Those of us throw on the other side are here to tell you that your life will ultimately be better, but only if you choose to make it better. And that means putting in the work necessary, in accepting the pain that is coming .

As much as that pain is going to hurt and the process is going to suck; on the other side is a better life.

Stay safe out there

blearowl · 2025-09-27T08:09:23+00:00

You don’t know how long she’s been seeing him.

It’s a pretty big breach of his professional ethics as a physiotherapist. You should report him to the professional authorities.

upvotersfortruth · 2025-09-27T08:02:38+00:00

Not sure this is what you need or should hear right now - but it hasn't been seven weeks for her. It's been seven weeks since she built up the "courage" to ask for the separation. For all anyone knows it's been seven years for her. Time to deal with things at her own pace and on her own terms - and now it's all been dumped on you.

For you it has been seven weeks. Nothing in terms of grief. Shock and denial have barely struck. Pain is huge. Guilt, anger and bargaining, depression - on the way. Then finally you'll hit the upward turn, reconstruction, and acceptance and hope.

And the world will expect you to be at acceptance from like day 3. It doesn't fucking work that way. And she won't want to remember what it was like the day she decided it was ending. She won't be there for you to get you through this, maybe toss you a bone of sympathy here and there. Not worth it.

All you can do is march forward, don't lean on her for any sort of emotional support because it will be hollow and she's not to be trusted anymore. Don't show her anger, pain, sadness, happiness - anything. Save that for close family, friends and a therapist - which has helped a lot of us.

Compartmentalize as best you can. Lean into work. Journal or post with your circular thoughts and questions. If you want to talk to her, don't. Go for a drive in your car and have a one sided conversation or make a voice memo in your phone. If you want to text her, don't. Open up the notes app in your phone.

A lot of us have been right where you are now. It sucks but the suck doesn't last forever.

Title	Dont know what to do hurting
Author	Mindless-Equal6160
Upvotes	24
Comments	16
Date	September 27, 2025 7:31 AM UTC (10 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1nrp334/dont_know_what_to_do_hurting/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/dont-know-what-to-do-hurting.1562909 https://theredarchive.com/post/1562909

Comments