I signed the lease for a place yesterday and transferred the car loan to her name. The only things left to do are negotiate a buy out on the house, transfer the internet bill, and take her off my health/life insurance and have her get her own. All the money/accounts/other bills have been divided and moved

I decided that I’m going to take a bunch of this furniture. She said I could have whatever I wanted. Probably because she feels some guilt. It’s all nice stuff. I figure if it makes me feel sick to look at it, I’ll sell it.

I thought about just picking up and leaving today. Going back home, taking 6 months off from work, regroup, surfing every day, no more harsh winters. But my son…I love him more than anything and I know she wouldn’t let me take him. I tried to imagine leaving him behind and seeing him sporadically. I couldn’t do it and I felt guilty for even thinking about it.

She said she is willing to move to wherever I want to go with the specific exception of where I really want to go (back to my hometown). All my support structure is there on the other side of the country. I am in no place mentally to pick up, move across the country, and start a new job in another new place. As much as I don’t like it here, I’m going to sit tight for a while. I have a job and a place to live. I guess that’s all I need right now.

4 months in and I haven’t broken down for a few weeks now, but it’s making me feel emotionally constipated. The feelings are still there, but they aren’t coming out.

I find myself slipping into Hope frequently throughout the day, but I am able to tell myself that this is hopeless. I can objectively see that this is hopeless. We are getting divorced. She cheated, and perhaps for a long time. She didn’t respect me. I wasn’t really happy either, but the fantasies of reconciliation still find a way to sneak in.

The rapid cycling between Hope and reality makes me feel the emotional equivalent of nausea. Very uneasy and sick.

Anyways, I guess the next step is transferring the name on the internet bill. One more thing bringing me closer to the end of this and the start of something else. This really really sucks. I hate this.

No questions really. I just needed to vent. Unfortunately, I don’t have a social support group out here after the separation. I got to work on that.