How do you cope with guilt?

MasterKevLM · 2024-11-15T10:22:32+00:00

Guilt can be incredibly heavy, especially when you feel responsible for hurting someone you deeply care about. The fact that you're recognizing your mistakes shows you're already on the path to understanding and growth, which is important.

Self-forgiveness: It’s crucial to be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes, but that doesn’t define us. The guilt you’re feeling is a sign of your conscience, but it also needs to be tempered with compassion for yourself. You're not a perfect person, and that's okay.
Acceptance of the situation: It’s painful to acknowledge, but sometimes we can't change what's happened. Your wife’s decision is hers to make, and as much as you want to fix things, you can't control her feelings or actions. Accepting this is a difficult but necessary step.
Focus on personal growth: While you can’t undo the past, you can learn from it. What do you wish you had done differently? How can you grow as a person from this experience? Focus on becoming a better version of yourself, not just for her, but for your own well-being.
Reach out for closure: If you feel like there’s an open conversation that might bring clarity or closure, consider reaching out in a respectful, non-intrusive way. But be prepared that she may not be ready or willing to engage. Giving her the space she needs is crucial.
Build a support system: Talk to trusted friends, family, or people who've been through similar experiences. Sharing your feelings can lighten the emotional burden and provide new perspectives.

It’s possible to heal and move forward, even if it's one small step at a time. If the pain feels unbearable, don't hesitate to lean on your support system or professional help for guidance. You're not alone in this.

Sweet_Strategy_1466 · 2024-11-12T00:17:04+00:00

Here is the solution: Get some gelt and you will be happy.

MyNewNormal808 · 2024-11-11T23:02:03+00:00

I felt the same way. I wasn't the best husband and felt like I could fix the marriage if she gave me a chance. I felt like I let my life go without realizing it and couldn't do anything about it. I was pretty down in the dumps every day. It wasn't until my 11-year-old daughter said to me, "she's over you, you need to get over her." Damn, wisdom from the mouth of babes. At that point I set in my mind that I did everything I could do about the marriage and needed to get on with my life. One other epiphany that I had was that I was remembering my ex as she was when we first dated and not at the end when she wouldn't even talk to me. After that, I spent my time worked on fixing my flaws, improved my physical, emotional, mental, financial state, and moved on with doing things that made me happy. I'm single, but at my stage of life, I'm good with it. My kids are on their own (and I don't want any more), I have solid relationships with my family/friends, happy at work. I'm good with going out or staying home. It's nice to not feel pressure to do anything I don't want to do (e.g. going out, feel like I'm missing out, staying home, doing something uncomfortable (unless I want to do it), etc.). You just have to work through that phase of separation and get on with your life. Right now, the only thing that is holding yourself back is you. As they say, Take charge and move out.

roshi-roshi · 2024-11-11T20:50:51+00:00

I can relate to this so much. I’ve dealt with so much shame and guilt over every damn aspect of my marriage. It was killing me. Therapy and talking to other divorced men has helped me. First thing is to try and put everything you did or didn’t do into perspective of everything else that caused the divorce. No matter what you think, it was not all your fault. Think of it in terms of percentages.

The other thing is to learn from it. Admit your mistakes, take responsibility for them, be accountable for them. It will help you in your next relationship or just help you grow as a person. These things we feel guilty about are not because we are awful people. They happened in the context of the marriage. If you hadn’t been married, they wouldn’t have happened. This is not an excuse, but more than half the shit that happens in marriages is be cause of projecting on to our partner family of origin issues. That and be disassociated and paralyzed by our own issues. Not to mention expecting a partner to meet your unmet needs.

You did the best you could. Learn from the guilt and move on. Over time it will have less power. Journaling helps. I don’t think it ever goes away. When those thoughts come in see them as a teacher rather than than the devil. I had to realize I had to let it go as much as I could or leave this world. Still working on it. If it was addiction, a 12 step program can help.

i80west · 2024-11-11T06:48:20+00:00

Some things you can change and some you can't. Some things you did right in life and some things you didn't. At this moment, you can choose to try to move your life in a good direction or you can choose beat your head against a brick wall. Trying to restore something that is restorable is moving in a positive direction. Trying to restore something that is not restorable is beating your head against a brick wall. We've all made mistakes and we have to live with that. And we still have the choice to move forward or hit on the brick wall. I recommend moving forward. It's the only thing that will make you feel better. If it's broken beyond repair, accept that and move on.

dober88 · 2024-11-11T04:56:05+00:00

The guilt will quickly wear off once you realise she was cheating on you.

redwzrd · 2024-11-11T02:51:52+00:00

i felt the same way how could i fuck up so bad to drive my wife away. im such a loser, but the reality is its not all me its not all you. you may have had a hand in it but she could have worked on things too. it takes two committed people to make it work. i definitely had a hand in the unhappiness of my wife and i could have done more. but she also didn't communicate so i understood her true feeling about us. i would have gone to counseling i would have taken her seriously if i knew she was thinking about divorce. alot of woman make up their mind about leaving and once that happens theres no chance on changing her mind. i

i found that listen to rachael sloan on youtube who is a divorce coach helped me feel like less of a fuck up. things ive learned is you cant keep a woman that doesnt want to be kept. you have to let her go if she were really the one she would be willing to work it out. ive always said that everything that happens in life preps you for where you are today . so at some point your going to be with some one better and it will work out for the better. a girl i work with who just went through a divorce told me we can live many lives in our life and its true. i have had other long term relationships and when they ended it hurt. but i healed and i moved on.

this is all new to me too i just found out she has been talking to some one else less than two months ago....

graceissufficent0310 · 2024-11-11T01:30:36+00:00

Some mistakes can't be corrected.

yes2matt · 2024-11-11T00:31:53+00:00

You need a different God than the woman. Your mistakes in this relationship, even of they are big and serious, need to be less important, or at least contextualized by a higher relationship. Until you get to a proper order of relating to God (however you come to understand) as primary guiding principle, you will always be messing everything up with every little hlaf-truth or betrayal of trust or missed expectation. It is an impossible way for a man to live well. Figure out what you need to do to get right with God, and be about that, and the relationship with the woman will be ordered correctly. Maybe not fixed! (Likely not) but at least in the right priority and order. And you will not be completely derailed.

PlaceLonely6195 · 2024-11-10T22:50:12+00:00

Sorry you are going through this difficult time my friend. I’ve (am) been there. Over the past 11 months, the guilt and shame still comes and I’m not gonna lie, it can be really difficult to navigate without support. Having a therapist , walking/ working out and a having a core of solid friends helps. Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.

UnsureAboutNext · 2024-11-10T22:29:48+00:00

Only thing that helped me was to actually know and realize I want nothing in life. The power of now and all that. Took years and years and more than a divorce but I’m now where you could put me in a cell for the rest of my life and I don’t think it would affect me. When I was younger I realized all that stuff but didn’t really know it, now I genuinely know it to my core. Crave nothing, want nothing. It’s all good after that. Psychedelics help. I built all my tools like 15 years ago and after a bunch of stuff felt all I had learned to my core. Felt myself wanting again and pin pointed it was my craving stuff that was the issue.

Miserable_Ad_1172 · 2024-11-10T21:52:03+00:00

Join the WhatsApp group for this Reddit page. It will help you. Even if you made mistakes you can learn,grow and better yourself.

damgood135 · 2024-11-10T21:41:45+00:00

Hey brother... If you need to to talk DM me. We can set up a phone call or something. You aren't alone in this.

ExaminationKlutzy194 · 2024-11-10T21:39:21+00:00

The best I can tell you is to find a close male friend and unburden your soul to him. You need one, maybe 2 good male friends when things are dark like this.

Glittering-Spell-446 · 2024-11-10T20:59:19+00:00

What did you do for her to behave like this? If you take her back dont beg her and keep looking forward… if she contact you go for it if she’d doesn’t than is not for you

Title	How do you cope with guilt?
Author	PenguinsBabaay
Upvotes	9
Comments	18
Date	November 10, 2024 8:55 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1goanx5/how_do_you_cope_with_guilt/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-do-you-cope-with-guilt.1535343 https://theredarchive.com/post/1535343

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