I found myself in a truly horrific situation at the start of the year. If you want the full details, check out my post history however here is a brief recap

I walked in on my STBXW hiding a man in my son’s bedroom. It transpired that she had been having an affair with a work colleague.

This was a Walter White ‘crawl space’ moment for me. I kicked the guy out the house, walked up the stairs to my wife who was working the crocodile tears, hit the deck and let out a blood curdling scream.

Why did I scream?

It wasn’t because I had made this discovery. It was because I had been in a 2 year dead bedroom marriage. A marriage where I had been gaslit like an oil rig, made to think like I was as thick as sh*t on a daily basis, completely lost my identity as I tried to navigate a marriage and bring up 2 toddlers and constantly feeling like I was a terrible human being.

That moment made me realise there and then that the burden I carried was a fantasy created by a textbook narc wife. My gut was right all the time. Why didn’t I listen to it. Oh I know why. It was because I bowed down to the concept of a man sacrificing happiness for his marriage. That one turned out well.

Anyway fast forward 5 months later and I have had the separation agreement include…

50/50 finances and the coveted 50/50 custody.

But it wasn’t easy guys and this is why I am writing this post

Here’s what I did right and here’s what I did wrong

  1. For guys who have just had the nuke dropped into their lives, there are 2 options. You can go into survival mode which is going to increase the potential for a tailspin. You will waste vital energy trying to play 4D divorce chess and you’ll probably have paranoia levels that would put Putin to shame.

Don’t make the same mistake I made by entering this zone.

LAWYER UP ASAP

Lawyers are more expensive than Creed Aftershave however they take the sting out the game. They do the heavy lifting. Once lawyers are involved, you can do the next most important thing. Focus on you.

  1. Record every conversation from this moment on. You don’t want to end up getting passed about the county jail like a copy of hustler due to some false assault charge.

There are many reasons for recording conversations. Some less obvious than others. Other than making sure you can prove that you haven’t went postal, they will force you to be calm in your interactions with the enemy while at the same time, riling them up as they struggle to understand why you aren’t reacting to their verbal attacks. Always record as well, don’t just record the conversations.

  1. Hit the gym and take up a combat sport.

The gym is great for guys who have let themselves go and have grown man boobs, fuelled by estrogen laced beer, drank to cope with their sh*tshow marriages. Some guys will have been training hard during their marriages so the gym might not be the tonic they need. Thats where combat sports come in.

Combat sports require a deeper level of learning. This is going to rewire that brain which is now running on codependency software. You’re also going to spar/roll which is a great release for that pent up tension.

  1. You need to let go and realise the only thing that you can control is you.

This was a game changer for me. My ex was trying some freaky sh*t with me. She wanted to introduce AP to my kids within weeks of discovering the affair. I put my foot down.

The result? Her playing hardball with the custody arrangement. At this point I realised me not allowing her to do this was me trying to control her actions , thus giving her power over ME. What a dumbass move.

I eventually told her that she could as she pleases with the kids on her time. I had to let go as much as it was a kick in the balls however over time it allowed the healing process to truly kick in.

Realising that you only control YOU and internalising it will be the game changer

You’re going to have to do it at some f%kimg point so start now instead of moping about on here 5 years from now, talking about how you’re still crushed by the ex who has at this point, sat on more dick than the tears you have cried into your pillow

  1. Play the game with your ex

This is a hard one because you need to put on an acting performance that would make Kenneth Branagh raise an eyebrow at its depth.

Even though you would probably light a cigar if she got hit with a bus, final destination 2 style, play the nice guy. Be amicable. This is business now and if you want things then you need to play nice.

People might disagree with this one however it changed everything for me and softened up the ex for getting what I wanted.

  1. Have a daisy cutter in your arsenal and use it wisely.

My ex was insistent that lawyers wouldn’t be involved with the kids. She wasn’t moving an inch on this one.

On the day I told her that I couldn’t control what she did with the kids, I ended it by telling her that I wanted custody set by law or I wouldn’t sell the family home. I told her I wasn’t budging on this. She knew I was serious. That was my daisy cutter. Find yours and stand firm.

  1. Get on a dating app and level up your wardrobe

This one will go down like a lead balloon on here however it worked a charm for me. I was in a dead bedroom for years so the transition to look for dates was easy.

I can see why the blindside, still in love with my high school sweetheart crew might struggle with this one however for team dead bedroom, get on an app, get some new clothes and just get talking to other women.

This will lift your spirits and take you away from the hell you’re enduring.

These were some of the strategies that got me through the most intense, brutal period of my life within 5 months. It won’t work for everyone and it’s all I can think of off the top of my head however I’m now about to move into a new house, I’m getting my dick wet and I have 50/50 custody of my kids so I thought it might help someone out there.