How my marriage ended

Sorry for the length, but had a lot to say.

So I married in 2010 after 6 year relationship, including living together for 4 years then moving from the UK to Canada. Kids came 2013 and 16. Relationship with wife was fine, but after 2nd kid, life got stressful.

I was diagnosed with depression in 2017. Took a year to get myself in a good place. A lot of time off work.

We had talks about the marriage, how things seemed to be stale, even did a bit of counseling. Had a couple of serious chats about us, always ended with agreeing to try and make it work.

By 2020 she had decided that enough was enough. Things were over. I had been trying my best to hold it together but her heart wasn't in it anymore.

So after an all night chat we agreed we would call it quits. I wanted to try and make it work but she thought we had already tried. She actually said that it would have been easier for her if I was a gambler/drinker/womanizer etc. The fact that there was nothing wrong with me made it hard for her.

Her idea was to live separate but under the same roof for the medium term due to the kids. She had a friend who had been doing this for a year!

I moved into the basement. This wasn't my ideal situation but $$$ dictated that it would be hard for us to sell up and also we wanted to avoid disrupting the kid's lives in the short to medium term.

So during that initial chat my wife flat out told me that I should just go and date. And this is where I made my first mistake.

I was hurt by what had just happened. And part of me wanted to just make her feel bad. So the very next day after the talk I texted a woman I used to work with, who I knew was into me. I hadn't kept in touch, but she was happy to catch up.

Then I told my wife I was going to meet someone for a walk the next weekend. She stayed in her room crying for 2 days. I told her I wouldn't go but she said I should. In the end I went for a walk, that was it. Nothing happened and never met this woman again.

After about 6 weeks we were back on lock down. Kids remote schooling. I took stress leave, she got special permission from her very accommodating boss to go into work due to the circumstances.

Things had got into a routine. I was getting used to the new setup. Wasn't perfect but alternative was way worse.

Now I am from Europe, ex is from Canada where we live now. I had struggled to have much of a social life outside of the marriage.

This is when I made my next mistake. Ex was saying that she thought I should put myself out there. Even go on dates. This was after years of loveless marriage without intimacy, so you can imagine I wasn't thinking with my head.

So I signed up for Tinder/Bumble etc. I said she should do the same, but she said she wasn't ready for that yet.

I downloaded the OLD apps more out of curiosity. But then I got a match with a woman who recognized me from an old workplace. I barely remembered her. It turned out she was in a similar position to me. Living with an ex bf, and saving to move out. She flat out asked me if I wanted to just hook up with her. She apparently had the hots for me and just wanted to have a NSA night of fun.

So my next mistake was going through with this. And I was honest with my ex. Said I was away for the evening, meeting someone, without going into the details. She was just indifferent at this point.

Now as you can probably guess, unbeknownst to me at that time, this gave her the justification to start fucking her divorced boss who had been comforting her the whole time. 🤦‍♂️ Had she been planning this all along? Or was it just a convenient excuse? I don't know.

Regardless, she had encouraged me to go and date, after years of loveless marriage. I had even asked her if she was going to do the same thing, but she wasn't interested at that time.

So more time passed, I went on a couple of casual dates nothing serious. It was summer. She had been going out a lot with work colleagues. I remember even jokingly asking if she had something going with her boss as he had been out on a couple of those days, but she just laughed and said no way, he is like 50+ years old.

It was then that the boss made a big mistake. The dumb ass sent a FB message instead of a text. I saw it on the family laptop. He was gushing about how much fun he had the day before. Rolling around naked with her. I didn't know what to think at first. I mean we had separated, but she had lied for some reason.

I should mention that her boss also used to be my boss at a previous job. And I thought he was a dickhead.

So the ex isn't the most computer savvy. Literally uses the same dumb password for everything. I am not proud but I wanted to know how long this was going on. I was able to check everything. Emails, phone records, map history, pictures she had sent him. Her search history. It was pretty bad. Now she HAD only started messaging right after we split. I will give her that. What made it a bit shady was the fact that she had encouraged me to go off and date, while she had been doing the same and lying about it.

She was exchanging dozens of texts a day. She was googling how to give good bjs and give prostate orgasms, buying sexy underwear, sending bikini pics. Looking up holidays for next year. I was able to see screen shots of texts. She had been going on long walks in the evening and had been chatting to him for like an hour every night.

After a few days of sitting on this, I decided to just ask her casually if she had something going with her boss. She said no, don't be ridiculous, just friends, been going out with colleagues etc. He also went through separation so it was good to talk to someone with experience. Blah blah.

Then I just read out the original message. And she broke down in tears. It all came out, she admitted it. The lying and sneaking around. But of course was able to claim that I had been doing the same thing. She also said that it was a mistake and all that crap.

This made the living together untenable. I said I wasn't staying home with our kids while she was away with her boss. So by the fall she had bought her own place and moved out. Left me with the house. Kids 50/50.

Fast forward another year. She is still with him. I try not to let it bother me but every so often I'm reminded of her with him. She had a party and had mutual friends over. The boss was there playing house.

The guy is a knobend. He totally used his position to take advantage, HR would have a field day. He also knew me pretty well, I'd been to his house before all this for a work party. I had plenty of conversations with him. He is no longer at same job place as my ex. She is totally to blame. But what ahole starts hitting on a newly separated employee who is still living with her ex. An ex that you know pretty well. I have heard from other people since that he is a bit of a creep.

Anyway, that is how my marriage ended. I just wanted to vent and share. It wasn't cheating but it felt like it at the time. Since then I've just been focusing on myself. Trying to be a good dad. Working out, playing guitar, doing diy.

TL:DR Wife ended 11 year marriage, then immediately started secretly banging her boss while encouraging me to go and date other women.