How to Behave

footbag22 · 2025-04-05T03:01:59+00:00

So, hi all OP here, update for everyone. When I decided I needed some space to help myself move past my feelings for my STBX wife, I was not explicit with my boundaries. She sent me photos of her with our child. She asked for advice for things around the house. She asked me to help with jobs around the house. And in some cases I helped because I was trying to be nice or felt bad for her, realistically though I was doing these things to try and show her my value and win her back. Not just to be a nice friend despite that being what she wants. Yesterday I realized this is setting me back in my healing journey to move on, so I told her explicitly I can't keep doing these things anymore that I can't be her friend (just yet, or ever, only time will tell) and that I want to restrict communication to strictly about our child or logistics/finances/etc. Like you don't want me as your husband and I don't want to be your handyman so what do you want from me. Hire someone or find a man to do it for you that you actually want to love you. Oh man.... She got so angry and defensive, started throwing my last mistakes in my face again (despite agreeing two days ago that we would put the past behind us and only be kind and mature going forward, that was neither of those). I don't really know what to do, I feel kind of horrible and guilty, like she can't handle a new house without me, and can't afford to pay someone to do all the jobs I was going to be doing had she not told me she wants a divorce, and I don't want to ruin any chances of getting her back, but I also told her I think she knows what my value is and if she still chooses to want to divorce me them why am I doing that stuff with nothing in return. She expects me to be selfless now to make up for all my selfishness over the past 5 years. But if doing these husbandly duties got me nowhere over the last 3 months of separation, why would I continue? Why does she still want me to continue to be selfless despite now wanting to divorce me. Am I supposed to be selfless to her for 5 years and expect nothing in return? Sure I didn't give her what she needed in the marriage. But 1. I did plenty of other things for her and 2. Because I didn't give her what she needed (emotional connection, date nights, gifts), she didn't give me what I needed (a fit body and sex). So I neglected her emotional needs despite meeting her physical labour and logistical needs. In return she neglected mine. Eventually decided she wants a divorce. But now thinks I still should provide for her despite 1. Not wanting to support me financially (alimony...I lost my job), or 2. Give me anything in return. Unfortunately for her there is nothing I want in return, at least not the things she has offered me such as I don't want to be her friend, I dont want her to bake me a birthday cake, I don't want hugs from her, I don't want her to pick me up and drop me off (we share a car and I can walk back and forth from where I live). I guess I'm just looking for advice from anyone who may have been through this, should I feel guilty? I would kill to have her back and don't want to ruin my chances, but I don't think she wants me back and might just be taking advantage of me and I'm only hurting myself by not pulling away. Do you think I'm doing the right thing by telling her I don't want to help her (I did tell her I'll help her with anything that relates to our child or her and our child's safety) and that I don't want to continue to offer advice or communicate about anything unrelated to our child or divorce. Thank you.

Relative_Raisin_5428 · 2025-03-31T17:33:29+00:00

As someone who played nice it did nothing but string along the hurt and betrayal. Everything from here on out should be looked at like a business deal. She’s playing nice because she wants the work to be done or funded by you. She made these choices and decisions she needs to own them. Start your healing process focus on your kid find a hobby and keep yourself as busy as possible when you don’t have your kid.

Disastrous_Age_1493 · 2025-03-31T01:16:06+00:00

Dont play nice. Don’t help out with the house. Fuck her. Funny thing is, even if u want her back, this is still the way to go. Groveling at her feet will make her think u are a wuss. Man up, co-parent, lawyer up and get what you deserve.

HourWorking2839 · 2025-03-30T21:57:26+00:00

If you are handy with tools and need the money, I think it is fair to ask her for an hourly rate she thinks is fair.

She knows you and you can argue that you won't cut any corners with the work as your child is going to live there, too.

But divorce is divorce. After that it's quit pro quo. If she does not do anything for you as well, no dice.

Good luck my man!

VeteranEntrepreneurs · 2025-03-30T21:55:41+00:00

Heal before you do anything and focus 100% on your child and yourself. If a friendship comes, it will come later down the road, the best is to be as peaceful as possible for that kid of yours, trust me, I made a shit ton of mistakes and I wish I could go back and change them. My kids kids were 9 and 8 and now 18 and 17, and they recognize that divorce is difficult and are forgiving but we did she I regret and said things that were hurtful. Let go of your ego and fly Into this world love and empathy and let go of that ego.

Ok-Cause1108 · 2025-03-30T18:40:39+00:00

As a man you should NEVER accept the friend zone with a romantic partner.

She has fired you from your former position as husband. Why would you keep doing husband duties? That is her new man's job, not yours.

You were doing the jobs to act nice in the hopes she would take you back (in short you were acting like a desperate woman). Once a woman mentions the word divorce there is no going back, ever, The romantic relationship you once had is over pemanently. It stings, but that is reality, and you need to accept that.

You focus now is on the co-parenting relationship. Right now her respect for you as a man is at an all time low as you continued to do work for her and were squarely in your feminine. You need to lead the co-parent relationship if you want it to be amicable, flexible, and effortless. Quit pandering to her, set boundaries, and stick to them. She will test you, but stay in your masculinity and she will start to build respect for you. In time she will find you very attractive and bend over backwards in the co-parenting relationship for you. Don't fool yourself this is a path to get her back, she will want back precisiely at the time you have let her go completely and have moved on. There is no path forward to where you two are romantic partners ever again.

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2025-03-30T17:50:53+00:00

Divorce has and should have consequences. Some of those are that you will no longer act like husband and your assets and debts are separated. If she can’t buy you out then she should sell the house and split the equity with you.

tinkerb3lll · 2025-03-30T16:14:36+00:00

Why did you move out ? It's your house as well right ? Yeah absolutely do not contribute or fix the house, she can do it. Proceed with separating and divorce, it's over. It's not her call whether she pays spousal support or not, just like it is not ours.

Mine called the cops on me, her friends were teaching her how to get me thrown out, it never worked, but as soon as she did that I stopped ALL work on the house, before that I was getting the house ready for sale.

It is what it is, don't feel guilted, move on with your life and start your healing journey without her. Your main goal should be peace.

Physical-Aside-5273 · 2025-03-30T13:59:53+00:00

It's easy for me to say now so many years after my divorce. But just cut off all contact with her and never speak to her again.

Boglehead101 · 2025-03-30T05:09:25+00:00

Made it all very easy for her it seems. Can you move back into the house?

Lonely_Panda4322 · 2025-03-30T03:45:30+00:00

My ex wife told me she wanted divorce but still wants me to stay in the house and pay her bills cos she’s a sahm. My brother…move on and never look back. She’s gonna regret

Ok-Guidance6491 · 2025-03-30T03:40:55+00:00

No, don’t play husband. Yes she is trying to get the best of both worlds. You be as nice to her as possible while legally fighting for the house and child. She needs to feel what she is giving up. She will lose the house she wanted. She will lose half her time with the kid. She will lose your affection and physical skills. You maintain that you intend to live in the house y’all bought and raise your child as was your plan. If she wants to fuck up the plan then that’s her decision. You tell her that you disagree but you can’t stop her. As for you, you intend to keep your promises and plans.

Longjumping-Cup-4018 · 2025-03-30T03:39:03+00:00

She might want to keep you as a best friend for convenience but doesn't mean you need to do the same. Try to reject her few time and you might see her true colour. Make sure to record all the conversation so she won't use it against you as her.

Title	How to Behave
Author	footbag22
Upvotes	13
Comments	44
Date	March 30, 2025 3:24 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1jn3p9s/how_to_behave/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-to-behave.1548068 https://theredarchive.com/post/1548068

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