Need advice on divorce

Gattsama · 2022-08-17T08:08:27+00:00

Sorry you are going through it, sent you a DM with a general overview. There are some state variations. Look up the rules for your state. In general: 50/50 split of ALL assets & debts + child custody, support & residency / visitation + spousal support. All three of these are calculated separately.

Here's a cut and paste from another post I did:

Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free.

Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash / assets the day before or of filing. The date of filing normally locks in debts and assets. Anything new after that is separate (in most states).

Confirm the no fault conditions for your state. Some states have a 1 year mandatory separation prior to final settlement. However, separation is a legal status not a physical state. You can be separated but live in the same house (eg move into the guest room and put a lock on the door). Since you have kids do NOT leave the house without a court approved / ordered parenting plan in place. That can be seen as abandonment.

Divorce has three parts: communal assets / debts, spousal support and child support. Each of these are calculated separately. You can however use the assets/debts to balance out or in lieu of support. You can NOT normally negotiate child support (as in theory this is for the child).

The child has three parts: custody, residency/visitation and support. Understand that you can get 50/50 custody but that is separate from residency. Most people today are aiming for equal residency as well: 7-7 (7days with mom, then 7days with dad) or 5225 (5 days with A, 2 days with B, 2 days with A, 5 days with B). In some states child support is just a formula, Google for your state.

Your retirement accounts are a community asset. Anything earned during the marriage (what you earned before is normally safe) is 50% hers.

If you want to keep your retirement accounts, then what you have to do is an uneven distribution or buy her out. Ex 1 - you have 100k of assets, 50k debt and 60k of investments. You keep the 60k but now owe her 30k; so you either give her 30k more of assets or you take an extra 30k of debt. Ex 2 - you give her $30k of extra spousal support or cash. Same is true if you want to keep the home.

The house has two parts. Title and mortgage. Changing the name on the title is as simple as a few forms and fees at the court house. The mortgage however can not be changed without refinancing. So again 3 choices: refinance loan, assumption loan or sell the house. If you get a new loan she still has to get her half of the equity. Either you buy her out (cash), an unequal distribution, or roll into spousal support. If you sell the house, again it's a 50/50 spilt or the equity can be use in lieu of.. (aside - in my case we have to sell the house, I plan to use my half of the equity in lieu of support. So just give her a huge ass check and have no spousal support after final settlement and we have no kids).

Check if you can legally record conversions in your state. If so buy, a recorder from Amazon. Record everything, can delete at the end of each day if nothing happens. Document everything, not a diary just your life: picked kids from school, did homework, etc. To show you are a good parent.

Contact an attorney, tell them your concerns and review your case (normally first 1hr consult is free). Do not tell her shit until you are prepared. Ask your attorney what temporary orders can be filed to prevent the kids from crossing state lines, visitation, etc. This also varies state to state.

We don't know you or her. IF you think she will be reasonable. Make the plan, have everything on stand by but before pulling the trigger on temp orders, attorneys and escalation; confront her, and see if she is willing to be reasonable and have an uncontested divorce via mediation. Tell her you have filed and there is no repair. I love you and feel horrible. IF she is feeling guilty and workable might not need the temp orders as these pretty much put an end to mediation. IF you know she's crazy, likely to be crazy or takes the news crazy; those orders need to be done at the time of filing or ready to file is things go side ways.

Beside the excel sheet, make a word document with a master timeline is also good to have. Again, you can do this with Google docs and sheets with your new Gmail account. It's not just that you don't want her to see this stuff it's that you want to create a new separate life & systems.

All assets and debts from the time you marry until you file are communal. She opened a credit card in her name, it's got 50k on it. That's half your debt. After you file everything is no longer communal. So right after you file you want your check to be direct deposit to your new account. You can transfer to the joint account as needed to cover bills and expenses. Pay for everything that is you from your account, do not use communal assets. You want to stop co-mingling asap after filing. Again, close all joint accounts just prior to filing. Leave 50% cash in joint checking (aside - my STBX maxed out the joint VISA +$9.5k, took a $7500 cashiers check from the joint checking account, maxed out personal line of credit [zero balance when I filed, now over drawn at +$20k]).

Spousal support alimony varies a lot from state to state. In CA after 10 years there is the possibility of life long alimony!! I'm in WA and that's not on the table until >25 years. Many states have caps on length and amounts, some work to make everything equal. But remember child support is totally separate. Many men can easily find they have to sign over >50% of their net take home. Google for your state and check with attorney.

I can not stress enough that your lawyer can NOT do anything to change the system. They are not your friend or therapist. The only thing you need to discuss is the case. YOU need to read everything you can about the laws in your state, they will not do the heavy lifting for you. If you can do mediation and get it done (even if you have to give up some extra cash) do it! This BS can get really expensive really fast, but you will get the exact same deal at the end anyway. It's more about staying power. A lot guys get crap deals because they give up and quit/settle; or just run of out money to keep fighting.

Good luck out there...

2022-08-17T10:39:56+00:00

Be careful with fake DV claims

My brother was in same situation as you

Fake DV case means she is a victim and therefore can claim alimony (to maintain her current standard of living 150k vs 50k) and child support from you

and in addition, her legal bill is zero (or you will be liable to pay her lawyer bill)

And you can also be removed from your own home (which means she gets your house too)

Ever-learning271 · 2022-08-17T02:52:49+00:00

Sorry to hear this…watch actions over words, trust your gut! Concentrate on self-care (exercise, meditation, playing with the kids)…she’s made her decision already…consult (not hire yet) a good lawyer for advice, do mediation! (Call any aggressive attorneys in your area she may hire, if you interview with them, she can’t hire them👍). Good luck…fight for joint custody & try to stay in the house for the kids sake…hope this helps!

Kwen_Oellogg · 2022-08-17T10:28:48+00:00

Be proactive and buy a Voice Activated Recorder. Keep it with you at all times. File the recordings in the cloud. Many women will file a domestic violence complaint against the husband and get a TRO to force him to move out. And your wife sounds like one of those type of women who would do that with her constant threats of divorce.

And if she ever starts acting hinky pull out your cell phone and start recording video.

It might be the only thing that will keep you out of jail.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2022-08-18T02:15:31+00:00

Bro. Advice from a man who was in court for 3 years and spent $500k in legal fees. (And now in debt).

Give her everything she wants. And move on with your life.

I lost everything fighting her.

You are young. You will recover. Do not fight her on anything.

Future advice:

Never get married again. Divorce rate for 2nd marriages are higher. 80% of all divorces are initiated by women.

ijustdontcare74 · 2022-08-17T05:17:38+00:00

"She never admits to doing wrong"...well there's a surprise!!!

"She wants everything her way and threatens divorce if she doesn't get it."....never ever give in to this sort of ultimatum, it never ends well. Call her bluff, go get papers and file yourself. A wife who loved her husband would not threaten him like this. She has no love or respect for you left, so how about you love and respect YOURSELF and your kids and save yourselves from this toxic environment?

Accountability and Responsibility is a woman's kryptonite.

eyesayhello · 2022-08-17T02:28:58+00:00

We definitely need more info on your situation.

Length of marriage?

Children? If so, how man (ages and sex)?

Employment status for each of you? Estimated income(s)?

Rent or own your house?

Any negative history in the marriage (domestic violence, alcoholism,etc)?

Dogdad27 · 2022-08-17T12:17:17+00:00

Your me… I’m 9 months into it. Prepare for the worst. If she was unreasonable during marriage, don’t expect her to change. I tried to be nice and all it got me was thousands less in my account and a swift kick in the ass.

In my first meeting with my lawyer, she said, you won’t truly know your spouse until a divorce. Wow was she right.

I

pk2at · 2022-08-17T05:39:00+00:00

Well get ready to have war waged on you. Your long term marriage will likely condemn you to poverty and alimony for the rest of your life. Look at some of my previous comments to see how you may be able to protect yourself. Just remember, you go there and try to act nice and reveal all your assets like a fool, you will get screwed and feminist judges will laugh at your idiocy. Golden rule here, forgetting to list something is not perjury and the court is not IRS that can detect and evaluate all your assets

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-08-17T09:30:34+00:00

> she fell out of love with me over numerous arguments.

Genuine desire cannot be negotiated.

> She never admits to wrong doing, denies things,

That's all women.

> leaves overnight places and doesn't communicate.

If she's spending overnights elsewhere, then she's fucking another guy.

Theedon · 2022-08-17T18:53:43+00:00

Forget about her for now.

Prep for the divorce. No more spending. No big ticket items. The lawyers and she will drain you of all your cash. Sign up for a gym and go. Always go and talk to people. The co-dependent symptoms will fad away. Learn to cook, clean and be you again. Don't talk to friends and your sad feelings, get a therapist for that shit.

It will take 3 to 5 years to feel normal and ready to date.

itswordsonpaper · 2022-08-17T21:19:21+00:00

She leaves overnight, not saying she’s doing anything bad, but she’s already doing her own thing. You’ll figure out your thing in time.

aerial_coitus · 2022-08-17T22:47:32+00:00

I’m sorry you are going thru this. Your story is sadly not uncommon at all. Even down to the details. Tough as this might be to hear, you need to accept that she is your adversary and you cannot afford the mistake of trying to be friendly with her anymore. Not unless you want to gamble your money and parenting rights with your kids away. It is not a pretty situation to be in. I have endured it for several years now. This might sound harsh but this is what you need to do.

STFU to your wife. Seriously. DO NOT TALK TO HER. ABOUT ANYTHING. Communication with her is at your own peril.
Do not move out of the house. At least not until you talk to at least 3 separate divorce lawyers.
Talk to a handful of good divorce lawyers in your area. Ideally find someone you can retain and work with.
Buckle up for a bumpy ride. Good luck.

Soggy_Nose_7173 · 2022-08-17T20:43:07+00:00

Sorry to hear it man but you're screwed basically. You have literally every factor going against you. High income disparity, 2 kids (child support), Long-term marriage and the wife looks like she is mentally ill or at the very least a big bitch.

Title	Need advice on divorce
Author	genericScreenName22
Upvotes	9
Comments	29
Date	August 17, 2022 1:57 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/wqcbtf/need_advice_on_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/need-advice-on-divorce.1128152 https://theredarchive.com/post/1128152

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