Philosophical Musings

reclaimDad · 2026-02-14T14:54:02+00:00

First off, this is not legal/therapeutic/nor relational advice, just my reflections/musings:

-Some of these sentiments feel "unanchored." Sort of like there is no reference point except something in the past.

-What is your anchor? Why do you still "do" your day to day? How do you contribute to the world? What is unique about you? What does your mother say/think about you? What about God? What does He say/think about you?

Without an anchor, it seems like a person could float around, bumping into situations/people/etc. without ever getting connected. I wonder if the "awful"/"toxic" people you referenced are anchored in something, making them "feel" more stable/safer than an unanchored person.

I love the perspective I've read in this thread of people emphasizing working on themselves. It seems very wise.

Every individual has room for improvement. If this is pursued, then they can contribute more to others.

However, if their own growth is dependent on others, they will always be drifting..

LonelyNC123 · 2026-02-10T19:29:10+00:00

Men are never loved for themselves, only for what they provide.

Immediate-Story2562 · 2026-02-10T05:46:51+00:00

From what you wrote it would seem you have an insecure attachment style.
The book 'Attached' will give you perhaps more detail on the different styles and how to become more secure where you can feel that you not only deserver true love but can also reciprocate it.

Also don't be fooled, looks can be deceiving. Keep in mind the divorce rate is 50% and mostly initiated by woman.

Ok_Builder_3285 · 2026-02-09T19:25:04+00:00

Yes. My ex never loved me. We were together for 20 years. I will never recover from her. I will never be with anyone again no matter what I do.

You mention feeling cursed. I absolutely feel like I am cursed. Some people are just stuck living miserable horrible lives with no escape. I'm one of them.

I can only cope with it by reminding myself that nothing that happens to me matters because I don't matter. My emotions don't matter, my needs don't matter, my health doesn't matter. I will work, take care of my kids, and hate every minute of life until I die. Nothing will ever change because I don't matter.

suspicious_bag_1000 · 2026-02-09T16:48:21+00:00

We all feel this way sometimes. Acknowledge the negative feelings then get back to whatever your process for the days is.

TeddyPSmith · 2026-02-09T15:56:38+00:00

I do. My ex wife told me I was unlovable. My experiences since her seem to validate it.

I’m in IFS therapy to hopefully address some of that.

I know that I am lovable. My daughter thinks the world of me. I just expect different things from women than what I actually get and I start to become guarded in the love that I share with them

TheMindfulWarrior9 · 2026-02-09T15:32:27+00:00

Hey, I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. You’re not alone a lot of of us feel the same one thing I would encourage you to do is look into therapy. Also look up different cognitive distortions a lot of of what you’re saying. Sounds like something called emotional reasoning, which is basically taking how you’re feeling now and making assumptions that it’s a fact just because you’re in the middle of a divorce and feeling really terrible about yourself at the moment does not mean for a fact that you were unlovable, etc. this is a very common distortion that we all go through.

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-02-09T15:27:48+00:00

Don't mistake someone's highlight reel as reality.

Neediness and validation are your kryptonite. It's a huge turn-off for women. And you reek of it. If you don't have confidence in yourself, no one else will. Most men here, including myself, have wrestled with exactly what you're going through. I'm eight years post-divorce and living my best life. This is what I recommend to you:

You’re going to spend about 85 years with yourself. Learn to enjoy spending time alone. If you are lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company. Don’t get into a relationship if you aren’t comfortable living alone. You must become independent before you can become interdependent.

Invest one year into yourself for self-discovery, renovation and revitalization. Find things that you've always wanted to do, learn and experience and enjoy those things for a year. Develop your skills and knowledge in these things (rock climbing, playing a musical instrument, billiards, etc) and you'll find yourself making more time for them. If you do that well, you’ll have the foundation for a lifetime of happiness.

Then what you'll find is that after this investment in yourself, the women that come into your life won't be competing against other women for your attention. They'll be competing against things that really bring you joy and fulfillment. And it will take a truly exceptional woman to accomplish that.

Signs you are not finished with your post-divorce reconstruction:

You fear being alone.
You seek validation from a partner.
You’re still renting headspace to your ex.

When you no longer need to clutch onto a relationship, and you have your best self to offer, that’s how you know you’re ready. Don’t be surprised to find that you don’t have the time to date once you’ve started enjoying your new found freedom.

Good luck brother.

TheConjugalVisit · 2026-02-09T15:26:23+00:00

We've got you.

Also use 988, used it many times in the beginning because I was out of mind. Great people who care about you work there.

Many understand you because they've been there. Helped me from making bad decisions.

WhydIJoinRedditAgain · 2026-02-09T15:22:49+00:00

Many men feel this way. You are not unique in this. I have felt this way myself.

You are lovable.

There is a lot of help out there. There are men’s groups and therapists and self-help books and courses. There are actions you can take to build your vision of yourself.

And, in my personal opinion, while I am going through a divorce and it is really fucking hard, it is more important to love myself than it is for me to seek affirmation from a woman in a romantic scenario. It is more important for me to strengthen my relationships with my friends, both men and women (but mostly men), my blood relations, and others in my support network.

Doing esteemable acts is how we build self esteem.

Title	Philosophical Musings
Author	PrestigiousStatus933
Upvotes	10
Comments	35
Date	February 9, 2026 3:13 PM UTC (5 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1r06rr5/philosophical_musings/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/philosophical-musings.1573096 https://theredarchive.com/post/1573096

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