Pre-Divorce Strategy

Historical_Eye3756 · 2025-02-23T21:05:46+00:00

Damn. In NJ you would be on the hook for at least 8 grand a month in lifetime alimony (she can claim a huge income disparity for life and they don’t care about infidelity). Ugh… good luck… hope u catch a break. Women are crazy

Par_then_Bar · 2025-02-22T16:31:37+00:00

KEEP IT QUIET. She will accuse you of DV and then you’re in big trouble. Everything you had pre marriage is your money. Start tracking down old statements or tax returns to prove this. Don’t leave the house until your attorney advises you to do so. Is Indiana a no fault state? Get documentation of the infidelity. Use a PI if necessary. If your state allows, start recording all conversations. I had a voice activated device on me at all times once I found out about the affair. File first. File hard. NO MERCY. Good luck sir

TXJohn83 · 2025-02-21T18:41:36+00:00

How dirty do you want to get with the dog?

You could take the wife on a vacation, board the dog and have a friend/family pick the dog up from boarding just before you file... no judge is going to give two shits about it...

Dangerous_Item_6879 · 2025-02-21T13:57:12+00:00

Start buying gift cards or doing cash back every time you go to the grocery store, gas station or drug store. You probably won’t be able to amass that much but at least it is something.

Move any really important valuables or sentimental things out or the house so she cannot make them “accidentally go missing”.

Do not start fucking around with other women as payback.

This will be a relatively easy split. You don’t have kids.

No-Walk-1633 · 2025-02-21T05:07:26+00:00

Since she doesn't know you eant a divorce yet, and doesn't know you know about the affair, you could try to approach her with the idea of a postnup agreement. Technically you can't do one if you plan on getting divorced, so keep that on the dl. I was able to get my ex to sign one and avoided spousal support, taking on her debts, or splitting any property that was mine, cars, bank accounts, 401k, stocks, etc. Basically a what's mine is mine, what's yours is yours, what's ours is ours agreement

lurkermurphy · 2025-02-21T02:09:51+00:00

maybe this is a california thing, but another fun thing to do is set up a consultation with every single lawyer in town. pay the $100 if they want you to pay. it's worth it. then, if she ever calls any of them, they CANNOT represent her, and they will call you and tell you that she called them and that they rejected her lol

regertsrus · 2025-02-21T01:54:39+00:00

You think you going to surprise her and walk away with your strategy in hand ready to play out? Here is an alternative if she doesnt sit down and just go along with it. Considering she already cheated, its likely she would rather hang you out to dry than make amends and repent. As soon as she lawyers up and that shark realizes you have good income and some assetts, he will sing her a song she will love to listen to. This is when you go from "i have the right of way" to "how is she so cruel after she cheated". I dont like your strategy because you seem certain you can strategize. Let me give you some context for your planning; I left a pathological liar and cheat. I clawed my way back from hell and got my kids back 50% without any lawyers. I am lucky they are old enough to decide. Today she has a mew loeffer living in a home still deeded to me. My kids hate him and for good reasons. The courts know her to be a liar. They allow her to lie with impunity for years. I now have multiple false police reports against me. Multiple false order of protections and violations based on lies i have proven. She continues to plan and execute her malignant deeds often. Her family goes through me to see the kids. And i had my guns taken away just in case she is right even though her reputation preceeds her. Why am i telling you this? Your idea of "surprise i am leaving you haha" is a very bad one (for you). I never did that. I telegraphed everything i did leading up to me leaving.

Gattsama · 2025-02-21T00:47:34+00:00

CUT & PASTE

Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free.

Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash / assets the day before or of filing. The date of filing normally locks in debts and assets. Anything new after that is separate (in most states).

Confirm the no fault conditions for your state. Some states have a 1 year mandatory separation prior to final settlement. However, separation is a legal status not a physical state. You can be separated but live in the same house (eg move into the guest room and put a lock on the door). Since you have kids do NOT leave the house without a court approved / ordered parenting plan in place. That can be seen as abandonment.

Divorce has three parts: communal assets / debts, spousal support and child support. Each of these are calculated separately. You can however use the assets/debts to balance out or in lieu of support. You can NOT normally negotiate child support (as in theory this is for the child).

The child has three parts: custody, residency/visitation and support. Understand that you can get 50/50 custody but that is separate from residency. Most people today are aiming for equal residency as well: 7-7 (7days with mom, then 7days with dad) or 5225 (5 days with A, 2 days with B, 2 days with A, 5 days with B). In some states child support is just a formula, Google for your state.

Your retirement accounts are a community asset. Anything earned during the marriage (what you earned before is normally safe) is 50% hers.

If you want to keep your retirement accounts, then what you have to do is an uneven distribution or buy her out. Ex 1 - you have 100k of assets, 50k debt and 60k of investments. You keep the 60k but now owe her 30k; so you either give her 30k more of assets or you take an extra 30k of debt. Ex 2 - you give her $30k of extra spousal support or cash. Same is true if you want to keep the home.

The house has two parts. Title and mortgage. Changing the name on the title is as simple as a few forms and fees at the court house. The mortgage however can not be changed without refinancing. So again 3 choices: refinance loan, assumption loan or sell the house. If you get a new loan she still has to get her half of the equity. Either you buy her out (cash), an unequal distribution, or roll into spousal support. If you sell the house, again it's a 50/50 spilt or the equity can be use in lieu of.. (aside - in my case we have to sell the house, I plan to use my half of the equity in lieu of support. So just give her a huge ass check and have no spousal support after final settlement and we have no kids).

Check if you can legally record conversions in your state. If so buy, a recorder from Amazon. Record everything, can delete at the end of each day if nothing happens. Document everything, not a diary just your life: picked kids from school, did homework, etc. To show you are a good parent.

Contact an attorney, tell them your concerns and review your case (normally first 1hr consult is free). Do not tell her shit until you are prepared. Ask your attorney what temporary orders can be filed to prevent the kids from crossing state lines, visitation, etc. This also varies state to state.

We don't know you or her. IF you think she will be reasonable. Make the plan, have everything on stand by but before pulling the trigger on temp orders, attorneys and escalation; confront her, and see if she is willing to be reasonable and have an uncontested divorce via mediation. Tell her you have filed and there is no repair. I love you and feel horrible. IF she is feeling guilty and workable might not need the temp orders as these pretty much put an end to mediation. IF you know she's crazy, likely to be crazy or takes the news crazy; those orders need to be done at the time of filing or ready to file is things go side ways.

Beside the excel sheet, make a word document with a master timeline is also good to have. Again, you can do this with Google docs and sheets with your new Gmail account. It's not just that you don't want her to see this stuff it's that you want to create a new separate life & systems.

All assets and debts from the time you marry until you file are communal. She opened a credit card in her name, it's got 50k on it. That's half your debt. After you file everything is no longer communal. So right after you file you want your check to be direct deposit to your new account. You can transfer to the joint account as needed to cover bills and expenses. Pay for everything that is you from your account, do not use communal assets. You want to stop co-mingling asap after filing. Again, close all joint accounts just prior to filing. Leave 50% cash in joint checking (aside - my STBX maxed out the joint VISA +$9.5k, took a $7500 cashiers check from the joint checking account, maxed out personal line of credit [zero balance when I filed, now over drawn at +$20k]).

Spousal support alimony varies a lot from state to state. In CA after 10 years there is the possibility of life long alimony!! I'm in WA and that's not on the table until >25 years. Many states have caps on length and amounts, some work to make everything equal. But remember child support is totally separate. Many men can easily find they have to sign over >50% of their net take home. Google for your state and check with attorney.

I can not stress enough that your lawyer can NOT do anything to change the system. They are not your friend or therapist. The only thing you need to discuss is the case. YOU need to read everything you can about the laws in your state, they will not do the heavy lifting for you. If you can do mediation and get it done (even if you have to give up some extra cash) do it! This BS can get really expensive really fast, but you will get the exact same deal at the end anyway. It's more about staying power. A lot guys get crap deals because they give up and quit/settle; or just run of out money to keep fighting.

Good luck out there

Vollen595 · 2025-02-21T00:08:58+00:00

Buy gold. Easy to hide, tax free (I believe in IN) and it’s not going down in value. Develop a ‘gambling problem’ some other BS excuse for the missing cash.

Helpful-Paramedic463 · 2025-02-20T13:20:23+00:00

I think you're doing well with your initial planning but until you sit down with an attorney, everything you wrote is just ideas. The attorney will be able to give you a realistic view of what you could be on the hook for. Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

Regardless if you have separate bank accounts, anything you made during the marriage is marital property. Unless you had a pre-nup that protects you.

You did good writing down all the assets. When you book your consultation, make sure the attorney has that list down to the penny. Make sure your attorney knows what your wife makes annually as well. That will factor into calculations.

Unusual_University14 · 2025-02-20T11:03:29+00:00

Indiana is an equitable property distribution state which doesn't mean 50/50 per se. Whatever you had day before wedding is yours, assuming you never comingled but odds are they'll just cut it in half. Indiana has some pretty limited alimony laws so that helps. https://www.indyjustice.com/blog/divorce/indiana-alimony-laws/

The house and 401k exist, so there is no real strategy there besides negotiation (and you say she'll fight to screw you over).

upvotersfortruth · 2025-02-20T06:28:35+00:00

These don't matter:

we own a $500K house in Indiana in both of our names, though all mortgage payments have been paid using my personal checks
I have paid for ~95% of everything for the 8 years we’ve been married

Also:

Dogs are property under the law but they are often fought over like children these days with schedules and visitation and whatnot. Not recommended. If she knows how much you want that dog, she'll use it against you. Also, impossible to get a clean break - which is the main benefit of not having children in a divorce. I'd say get your one dog and leave it at that, if you're going to fight over anything. Don't give yourself reasons to interact with her.

Pre Divorce Strategy:

No sudden moves or changes. Don't tip her off. Change your passwords and log out of any shared devices, if that can be done without her noticing (otherwise do it later). Set up a new email for comms with your lawyer and others.
No arguments or altercations.
Hire a lawyer, figure out what you can do to preserve your interest in the house and not have to live there. Definitely sell the house in the long run. Figure out what kind of alimony you'll end up on the hook for, if any.
If she doesn't have access to your finances, figure out what to do if you are trying to secret away funds - but you can assume that every trick under the book has been attempted and any unusual transactions will be uncovered. Have a long think about the risk reward here.
Once you have legal advice, find a place to stay temporarily and pick your date to have her served. When you have her served, be gone with the dog you want and with all the stuff you need. Weather the storm for a few months and go no contact. She will be angry but in this scenario, it's the best way. If you are in contact with her, she'll immediately try to trap you in some DV shit, believe me and many of us here. Don't provide her opportunities. If you don't think you're capable of going no contact, then that changes a lot of the strategy.

If you have any sex life with her - gotta figure out how to manage that as it can be challenging knowing what you know.

SantitasAvenger · 2025-02-21T03:32:23+00:00

Title	Pre-Divorce Strategy
Author	GTO_GME
Upvotes	5
Comments	15
Date	February 19, 2025 10:52 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1it2rbh/predivorce_strategy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/pre-divorce-strategy.1544389 https://theredarchive.com/post/1544389

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