Regarding a new relationship

Neither-Coast · 2020-07-31T09:22:21+00:00

I’ve made this mistake and jumped in within weeks. I don’t think she is the one and I feel truly awful about hurting her as she is all in.

deadlast5 · 2020-07-31T01:47:34+00:00

I built time periods into my separation agreement to prevent these situations. Like you can’t introduce someone to the kids until at least 3 months of dating. And no sleepovers till after 6 months.

MyNewNormal808 · 2020-07-31T11:53:38+00:00

I can totally understand this. While I know not to get in to a relationship after the divorce, what’s killing me is that every time I see a couple I only have memories of my STBXW. It would be nice to have someone else to think about. But I also realize that means I’m just looking for someone to be a crutch which is not fair to her. The good thing is that there’s plenty of things to do where I can be happy without being in a relationship.

ThePhunkyPhantom13 · 2020-07-31T13:18:40+00:00

I don't disagree on a whole. What is the difference of meeting someone 2 years after and coming to the same conclusion after seeing someone for a few months? I'm asking out of curiosity.

Side note - I think it is good to come to the realization that someone might not be a long term thing and just not continue on.

ThrowawayAndstuff069 · 2020-07-31T19:37:37+00:00

I don't particularly care for the idea of morality clauses like no sleep overs. When my kids aren't around and I want to go on a date I don't want to be bound by something stupid and controlling and I really don't care what my ex does on her time. I don't need her nose in my business and what she does is none of my business. We did put something in to curtail the kids meeting anyone new but my kids are old enough to actually talk to them about it. Let me be clear though, that was absolutely about me controlling her because she cheated on me and was and is still with the dude she cheated on me with. So I did and asked them THEIR opinion on what they needed to know about me dating. They appreciated the honesty and told me how they felt. I check in with them regularly and I don't lie to them which is something I don't want to do. I don't want to live a double life. I also let them know that they need to call me before they come over when they are on mom's time and vice versa. Again, they are teenagers and understand a little more than younger kids might.

Morality clauses are about controlling another person and honestly that's a pretty poor thing to expect to be able to do with anyone much less someone who you likely (if you're in this group) aren't getting along with now. Plus it allows them control over you. You can't control someone else, you can only control you. You do you and they will do them - sometimes they are reasonable and sometimes they live in a whimsical wonderland of mystery and mischief where nobody can touch them and blah blah blah.

You can't control them, don't let them control you.

Some people need more time than others. I've dated on and off during the last year. I'm honest with the women I date (or I at least try very hard to be, I made one mistake with one woman and I regret it but it was a weak moment). Some want more than I can give and I tell them upfront that is the case when it gets there as well as before that. Some want LESS and that's cool too. Some will take it slow with you which is probably wise.

While being comfortable alone is important there is no reason to sacrifice yourself any more than you have for the person you're divorcing. If it's troubling your children that's one consideration. If you're really messed up and need to sort yourself out - that's another but you're going to go in and out of that state honestly for your whole life I think. I don't see any reason to forgo things longer than you define instead of some arbitrary number. My therapist told me at 3 months of true separation (we were separated in the same home for a few months prior to that) that she thought I should consider dating and we discussed that.

I think rather than setting some arbitrary rule on time - set yourself a realistic goal on healing and then work toward healing with a therapist. Work on yourself and when you're ready, you're ready. Whenever that is.

Often a year is a good number but the reality is someone who waits seethingly in their bedroom alone and unhappy but not doing any actual work on themselves for a year isn't ready but someone who has had a good therapist for a year working on themselves may be ready before that, your mileage may vary.

NO_PRND · 2020-07-31T01:54:55+00:00

Decided to give myself two years to heal after my 20-year relationship and divorced. Red pill, mgtow. One thing I know is that I will have a vasectomy before I ever touch another woman.

used2befast · 2020-07-31T01:41:40+00:00

Sorry to hear man. I like you have met a pretty great girl and she has met my kids on maybe 3 occasions. She's daddy's "friend" for now. The kids haven't seen us physical at all but in private we're pretty involved.

I think the most important thing to teach your kids that it's important to find someone that compliments you and makes you happy and vice versa. Don't look at it in a bad way.

caseyjshu · 2020-07-31T18:31:22+00:00

Its different for everyone. Ive seen people remarry after 6 months and stay together with no issues. But yea most people probably aren’t ready

Title	Regarding a new relationship
Author	research002019
Upvotes	18
Comments	16
Date	July 31, 2020 1:31 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/i0ym20/regarding_a_new_relationship/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/regarding-a-new-relationship.1196245 https://theredarchive.com/post/1196245

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