I mentioned in my last post that my wife was leaving on tuesday. Well, that was today.

At 3:30Am this morning she packed up our cat... and i said goodbye to my best friend of 11years and my father inlaw. My parents were there with me. I nearly threw up from anxiety. She wouldn't even look at them or me. I wanted her to rember me as the kind, happy, person I was before all of this and I really tired to keep myself together. Not sure I how well I actually pulled that off. I'm so sad but I don't feel it. Like its there and I'm crying but I can't reach the pain. I said my goodbyes and thanked her for 11 years of memories. I thanked my father inlaw for inviting me into his family. I did tell him I wish he had reached out to me at all during any of this. Neither Katie nor her dad said anything to me... just got in the car and left.

The house is so empty.... I just want to die. I don't want to live with this emptiness inside me and around me. I think the only thing keeping me around is my 2 cats i got to keep and knowing how sad it would make my parents and sister. I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything or eat or sleep. My whole body hurts. I'm litteraly shaking right now and I'm not sure why. Going to call one of my close friends later and try to talk about it. He said he was working from home so call him anytime.

Why do my friends care about me more than she did? Why do so many people want me to live? I wish I could just end it all. What is the point of life anymore? I don't have a single thing to look forward to right now. No reason to want to grow. I wanted to travel, I wanted to experience new things. What's the point if I have no one to share it with?

When I was really young my sister and I used to watch cartoons together on Saturday morning 6:30am. At some point she started sleeping in. Every time I would watch something and something funny would happen I would turn to see her reaction. I wanted to laugh with her and it hurt when there wasn't anyone to laugh with. I would catch myself for years later turning to see her reaction even though she wasn't there anymore.

This feels so much worse. Its everything. I wake up and expect to see her, I make breakfast for 2. I think; "maybe I should see if she wants to get donuts this weekend, " I need to save some hot water for her shower", " I hope she had a good day at work", "Katie would love this necklace", " Katie would have liked eating this food".

Its constant and it hurts. How do I make it go away? Why does everything remind me of her and why do I keep thinking about things like she is still here. Like she didn't cheat on me, like she didn't leave me for Chris, like she didn't choose him over our 11 years together.

The house was so claustrophobic when she was here. I felt like I couldn't do anything without anxiety. There were moving boxes everywhere. And now all the stuff she wanted is gone along with her and its so much worse. There is so much stuff she just left for me to throw away or donate. Jars, lids, a pantry full of food, shitty furniture she promised me she would get rid of. I have so much I have to do to sell the house. So much to clean, so much to pack, I still have 2 bathrooms to finish "flipping". The movers fucking trashed the floors and when I came home yesterday I saw half of the life I built with her just gone and the house trashed. She took the vacuum so I had to ask my parents to borrow one of theirs. Just a final fuck you to me I guess.

Everything is so overwhelming. My parents love me but its not the same. I'm so so so lonely. All I want is to be held again, have my hair played with again. Have someone who chose to love me tell me its going to be ok. I don't know how to cope. Its so overwhelming, so lonely, so empty. I don't love myself, I don't know how. I've been trying to enjoy doing things by myself but It just hurts more.

Oh and I just found out 2 of my closets friends are moving out of state in a month. I'm really really happy for them. But now I won't have people near me.

Why didn't I deserve the same kind of love i gave? Why wasn't I enough for her? Why can't I be happy? Why is it that when ever i finally feel like life is moving forward i get fucked over? I was finally, finally happy with where my life had gotten. After 6 years of turmoil and lossing jobs and unemployment and unfortunately timed financial decisions. Things were finanly stabilizing.

I just wanted to be enough for someone. And to feel like I've accomplished litteraly anything with my life so far. And now all of my accomplishments are going away, all of my financial goals, my house, my marriage, my pets. Most of my close friends have or are moving away. I just am so overwhelmed and dont know what to do and why I should keep going.