The Dark Passenger

I think this will be my last post on this sub.

I don't know why I am making this post. I know I have some problems. I go through good times and bad times.

But the message inside from my dark passenger is getting louder.

I was always a depressed person since I was a teenager. Maybe earlier even. School was never kind to me. Adult life never went well because I was too traumatized to do anything great with my life. To this day I still feel underwhelmed with my accomplishments.

One thing I was proud of was my daughter. That brought me to tears of joy when she was born. I only knew darkness.

I mean darkness.

So it was a nice change of pace to see light at the end of the tunnel. But it only lasted until my daughter was in Kindergarten for everything to be destroyed. Stolen.

I cannot be happy now. Ive fought back and forth but ultimately I know I cant be happy. My ability to raise my daughter properly was STOLEN from me.

The financial destruction was not the end of the world. That is what I thought at first. Its just money. And it is... but the thought of my parenting being reduced to a paycheck is just sad.

I value my time with my daughter, but its not much. I have missed so many things already and she is only 7. You know what is super fucked? My ex doesn't want another relationship. She destroyed our family because she is an immature baby that took her health issues out on me. She doesn't even blame me that much for our collapse. She doesn't want another man. But deep down even that bothers me. She destroyed it all for nothing.

10+ years I was dumped in a text message.

So now even when I get my daughter for summer vacation I dont have the money to do anything fun anyway. Neither does mom. Lets ruin our kids life! No college money. No house downpayment money.

My parents helped us buy our first house. In divorce she never had to pay this back to me as it was a "gift". Her parents never did fuck all to help us.

When my mom called her parents to say wtf is going on where is your daughter her dad pretended he didnt know who we were.

When her mother died after our divorce the ex told me she loved me. That was the last time I ever heard those words spoken about me from a woman. It wasnt even true.

So now I contemplate dating only because I want to feel what real love is. It must be nice. Ive never been truly loved.

The dark passenger smiles in anticipation.

But alas the single life to avoid heartache is probably better. And cheaper. It sure isnt fun feeling the ache in your balls and watching the world go past you one ass at a time.

Now I know how my grandfather felt. My grandma divorced him when my dad was in high school. It wasnt common back then. He slowly drank himself to death and died in his kitchen alone.

This was my only experience with divorce in my family. My ex has no history of divorce to know how cruel it is.

So goodbye.