Too much ADVICE

NorthBoy_9012 · 2024-07-17T11:46:04+00:00

My soon to be MIL wrote a long letter to my soon to be ex wife’s husband, as her daughter was both suing, and had moved out into a 4k/mo townhome, and now has no job. No doubt I will get a letter from her, a faith-based “God doesn’t want this” - all 100% unsolicited, and not at all helpful. In fact, I find that the people giving the advice, were often the same enablers that in many cases undermined the relationship in the 1st place. Counseling doesn’t erase the past. Also, the decision to leave usually takes years to get to and is not solved by a quick “chat”. Yes - they should all be simply listening, listening and you are right to shut down the endless advice givers.

shakey-situation · 2024-07-16T01:46:26+00:00

You’re asking for advice about not wanting advice? lol!

Seriously though I feel you. I’m separated for the second time. Your experience needs to be expressed, HEARD, and validated.

This shit blows.

Indeed they are expressing care for you, but maybe without enough of the listening step. It’s one thing if they say “when this happened to me…” versus “that never happened to me because I’m better than you” or some equivalent.

My grandmother was not an emotional person, married once for 60+ years. She said very few kind things, or mean things even.

She said, “no one should ever have to go through that” when I told her. It was one of the most powerful things anyone said to me. She didn’t give any advice.

SuperConfused40 · 2024-07-15T21:58:23+00:00

Yeah, anything my family says I do the opposite 🙃

Fantastic-Bombshell · 2024-07-15T19:10:33+00:00

OP do you have emails, or a friend group text? If so, come up with a blanket statement and say what the celebrities say… “as we navigate this difficult time, keep us in your thoughts and respect our privacy.” With love ❤️

MarriageIsMiserable · 2024-07-15T14:58:48+00:00

My wife and I are headed for divorce. She currently overshares with her friends where I choose to keep things more discreet. She tells me I need to vent, and I do, but once you tell friends they start giving advice. Then they take sides. If things work out between my wife and me I don’t want to have those lingering thoughts of how Jim Bob bashed my wife since he thought we were over.

Brucecris · 2024-07-15T13:15:20+00:00

At least they care dude. Turn it around and just let them say what they say kind of what I’m doing with your message. Come on man.

jambazaza540 · 2024-07-15T12:42:26+00:00

People have a natural need to be helpful. Just know that the advice is coming from a good, if ignorant, place.

These_Row6066 · 2024-07-15T11:30:46+00:00

No one should be giving you unsolicited advice. They should be there to support you and give advice if asked.

DudeforRighteousness · 2024-07-15T11:09:34+00:00

Everybody interprets a divorce through the lens of their own experience. But not all divorces are the same. These people give you advice and say things like that because a lot of times they just don’t know what to say. They want to be helpful because they care about you, but they don’t know how. You need to extend grace in these situations.

sunkskunkstunk · 2024-07-15T11:05:30+00:00

People just feel the need to say something, anything really , in those situations. Just say thanks. It’s coming from caring. If you don’t care that they care, don’t talk to them.

Ignoring the legal advice is being pretty arrogant IMO. I’m almost two years from final agreement through mediation and I thought would be the end of it. It’s not. I wish I would have fought harder, not trusted a legal agreement as being final. Nor believed anything she said was truthful. And a lawyer costs a lot more than some rando who has been through it. But you do you.

Exactly65536 · 2024-07-15T11:02:42+00:00

I see a little bit of a contradiction in your position. You don't like when other people tell you what to do, so you start your conversation by telling them what to do (not give you advice).

Thing is, everyone is entitled to give advice, pass judgement, think about you and your situation whatever they wish and share the results with whoever they wish. Free speech, right? But you don't have to listen. You don't have to follow. You don't have to answer or even pay attention. You are getting 25th "try talking" advice? Smile, nod, move on; it's like 3 seconds worth of effort.

Same, by the way, is applicable to absolutely any verbal message you don't want to receive. Smile, nod, move on. Technically, you can even skip the first two steps, but then people wouldn't know if you've received the message and try to repeat it, so acknowledging the receipt is where the minimum of the effort spent function is located.

ww3historian · 2024-07-15T08:34:19+00:00

Tell people through text only.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-07-15T06:13:26+00:00

Yeah, just be gracious and say something noncommittal like, “interesting, I’ll keep that in mind.” They’re well intentioned and you don’t need to start fighting more battles.

Btw, have you tried a few “date nights”? 😂

Title	Too much ADVICE
Author	Gustoffur
Upvotes	1
Comments	22
Date	July 15, 2024 4:24 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1e3lwdq/too_much_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/too-much-advice.1524322 https://theredarchive.com/post/1524322

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