Two Things Happened That's Making Me Question Divorce

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-12-12T18:11:32+00:00

Counseling is a WOMBAT: waste of money brains and time. Genuine desire cannot be negotiated. Negotiated desire only leads to obligated compliance which results in resentment by both parties.

Kids are more resilient than you think. Stop putting everyone in your life ahead of you. The point of marriage isn’t to endure it. There is no prize for making a miserable marriage last a long time. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership cemented by attraction, affection, respect and love that you enter into to make it easier for both of you get through life together. It’s like you become a team of horses, and you both help pull the wagon, and it’s easier with two than with one. But being yoked in a team with a partner that isn’t pulling is worse than having no partner at all. Sometimes you have to give up on her. Not because you don’t care, but because she doesn’t.

Tomo201070 · 2022-12-13T04:05:54+00:00

I put my kids and my wife ahead of me and “stuck it out” for 21 years. I honestly think the kids have mentally suffered because of it. My boys both went through shitty relationships with girls / women who used and abused them for what they could get out of them. My daughter lives with her Mum and can be a little bitch to me, manipulating me to try and get things, lack of communication etc.

I honestly think it’s my fault. They saw how their mother treated me, and I let her do it. I was always the one keeping the peace. I’d make sure the kids did their chores, or I’d end up doing them to keep the peace. If she raised her voice to them, I was always there to placate her and try to calm her down.

Break the cycle, brother. Kids are resilient and I wish I had done it years ago and become this happy bloke that I am nowadays. When my kids do catch up with me, they mention how different I am, more like the father they remembered when they were smaller, lots of smiles on my face more often than not.

You need to mend, brother, before you fully break. There will be a small period of dark ahead for you, and it will hurt. Trust in yourself that you will make it through to the other side. Your kids will be there. They will always be there. Being alone will seem strange, but the time you take to find you again is so very worthwhile.

Reach out to anyone on here and we’ll all tell you that you need to do it for you. Your heart, your mind and to some extent your wallet, will thank you later.

phalo · 2022-12-12T19:56:20+00:00

I held off for both these reasons, but ultimately told her I wanted a divorce and she finally agreed (she wanted to separate, I knew that wouldn't help and she'd just start dating). We've been technically separated since 7/19 and physically since 10/17 and while the finances are a struggle, I'm still making it. The kids are actually handling it very well. Why? Because they saw how toxic our relationship was, and ultimately they see us both happier (well, I know I'm happier. Not sure about her, I think she thinks she's happier since she's rid of me and dating a lot). Staying in an unhappy marriage teaches the kids that a shitty marriage is how a relationship should be and they may model their future relationships based on it. I'd rather show my kids I'm willing to get out of a bad relationship and find a real one than live in misery "for the kids".

Gattsama · 2022-12-12T18:25:10+00:00

Number 1 is a waste, as you said, doesn't work unless both parties are committed. And even then almost never works.

Number 2 is a mixed boat. You are currently lying to your daughter and the family. The negative feelings in the relationship, the guilt and the resentment will only increase with time. Some people make it work, but many end up modeling horrible behavior for their kids and creating a household that is 'functional' but not loving.

Take a step back. Would you want your daughter in your marriage? Not assigning blame, buy would you tell her "hey honey, it sucks, but just stick it out."

I am NOT advocating for divorce. Just sharing my 2 cents.

Small_Quarter_3673 · 2022-12-12T22:08:19+00:00

That's not the only 2 reasons why he doesn't want to leave. You have to be sure that you want a divorce otherwise don't file. It looks like you are not ready. Maybe you can fix your marriage. Good luck

Certain-Line-6351 · 2022-12-13T01:59:39+00:00

Course she doesn’t want you to get divorced. No child wants to see their family split apart. But it’s much better to see you both happy and bitter and resent each other and that’s the model of relationship she’s going to think it’s normal. My parents divorced when I was three years old but got along extremely well and coparenting extremely well and there is nothing but love from either of them and it worked out just fine.

Americanjello · 2022-12-13T02:25:14+00:00

Do what you’d what your kid to do in your loveless marriage. She likely will be devastated, but that is just a feeling and it will pass. It will certainly change her life in a lot of negative ways but you can be a better dad if you take care of yourself. You’ll offset a lot, if not most of the negative impact and you can still be there for them. They’ll be ok, will you?

CaliDude75 · 2022-12-13T03:06:59+00:00

Not all attorneys are expensive. The more specific you can be with your settlement proposal, the cheaper it will be. Also, if you think your wife is willing to settle in principle outside of an attorney's office, it will cut way down on the cost. Some attorneys advise NOT to talk to your spouse outside of communications through the attorneys, but mine was perfectly fine with me talking to my now-ex outside of legal negotiations. From start to finish, my attorney's fees were about $6,000, which I consider a pretty good deal. No kids in my case.

pk2at · 2022-12-13T16:45:54+00:00

Child support is also negotiable and dependent on both incomes and parenting time. Tell your wife its best for the child if she works out a deal with you

Beamformer · 2022-12-13T17:06:52+00:00

Roughly 48 years ago, I was your kid. My parents told me they were divorcing, I bawled, and it all got delayed for a bit. Like you, they had reached that point for a lot of reasons that a child can't or shouldn't understand.

I worry now and have discussed it with my near grown son, that I gave him a bad example regarding staying in failed relationship much longer than anyone should.

BurnDownTheMission68 · 2022-12-14T13:37:23+00:00

If you go through with the divorce your wife will blame you to the children and may very well alienate them to you forever. Sorry, but that is reality and there isn’t much you can do about it. She holds a better and more powerful hand than you do and will play it if you divorce.

I hear a lot of “Your daughter will come around at some point and see reality” but that is wishful coping.

No one here gets out alive.

Title	Two Things Happened That's Making Me Question Divorce
Author	rosefan001
Upvotes	4
Comments	24
Date	December 12, 2022 5:14 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/zk5006/two_things_happened_thats_making_me_question/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/two-things-happened-thats-making-me-question.1144123 https://theredarchive.com/post/1144123

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