When do the nightmares stop?

Mountain-Belt-2198 · 2024-01-28T16:48:16+00:00

Just want to say I am so sorry for your emotional turmoil and I can relate. I don’t have the answers other than to say I care and there are folks out there who have battled or are currently battling the same thing. This too will pass. Hang in there and know you are not alone.

ThunderFan462 · 2024-01-25T16:12:42+00:00

I’ve been officially divorced for almost 6 months now. But realistically that marriage was dead for 2 years. She has an affair partner too. I still get dreams about it. Confronting her or him. Exposing it all. What happened. So for 2 years I’ve basically been dreaming of it. Just last night I had a dream about it. It gets better though. It’s less now than it was when it first started. Hang in there.

AdrianInLimbo · 2024-01-25T13:47:45+00:00

It goes on for a while.

I'm a couple years out, doing well overall, and still have the occasional wife/AP nightmares. Just remember, she's doing, or going to do, the same shitty things to him, they she did to you.

She's the same shitty person, just someone else's problem now.

Timbers-creek · 2024-01-25T07:32:02+00:00

Either deactivate or delete all social apps for a minimum of one year. Seek therapy, work on bringing yourself to a place of happiness. Start journaling your feelings, listen to new music & find a new hobby. If you don’t take care of yourself first, this process will only take longer. Do the recovery for YOU & YOU only. Not for her, not for anyone else.

Capable_Luck_2817 · 2024-01-25T03:57:38+00:00

Try to shift your focus to opportunities that have opened up by becoming single. What did your ex hold you back from doing or accomplishing? Mine spent every dime I made, so building financial security and treating myself occasionally are big wins.

Tahpsy_Krets · 2024-01-25T02:36:18+00:00

I wish I could tell you it gets better. Fact of the matter is, it doesn't get better, not right away anyways. You just get used to it and then after that there's a chance that it does get better. That will be up to you and what kind of life you'd like to live and what you do to make that life your new reality. As far as the timeline for when the nightmares stop, I wish I can give you one but there simply isn't. The nightmares will stop because even for you this will become old news. That's why I'm a firm non-believer in the saying Time heals all wounds. No it doesn't, you just get used to it. It's up to you to do the healing part. Time doesn't give a crap about healing anything.

Reflog1791 · 2024-01-24T22:48:06+00:00

Keep trying different bedtime routines. Maybe workout from 6-8 or 7-9. Try a cup of tea and a book before bed. Maybe yoga before bed. My favorite is finding a good podcast. Coast to coast AM has a YouTube channel with tons of interesting subjects (aliens, ancient history, secret societies, Antarctica, the moon). I find most tv shows and movies glorify these thots, so I don’t watch them. As others have noted it takes time. I want to say maybe 2 years of nightmares, but it’s been 4 years now and I don’t even really remember.

This is tangential but I made a habit of smiling first thing in the morning when I wake up. I don’t even have to try anymore I just smile for a new day with endless possibilities and no traitors in sight.

Is0prene · 2024-01-24T21:39:30+00:00

Sometimes just "Time" is the best medicine. I was in your shoes about a year ago. My divorce process was 14 months long, but that was the easy part. I was just simply angry during that time. The real emotional pain didn't start until 4 months post divorce cuz I was just so angry, distracted, and buried all emotion. I would be driving along the highway and then all of a sudden a wave of emotions hits you and you have to pull over and just cry it out. Thoughts of suicide, the whole works... It SUCKS! But it does get better. It does. You won't think it will, but it does.

Work out. Find a hobby. Mine was fishing. Driving to the lake and jamming out to music along the way was the best medicine for me. My ex got married 3 months after my divorce and is having another baby with the guy in like 2 months. Do I care anymore? nope. I just laugh. I regained a lot of confidence and found another woman taking it really slow and she is like 1000 times better than my ex. First time in my life I've actually felt appreciated.

So hang in there man you can do it! Pick up those pieces, fix yourself, regain confidence, and discover how great life can really be.

Acceptable_Piano4809 · 2024-01-24T21:31:44+00:00

I hate having dreams about my STBX, this is the only time when I think about her, usually dreams of her wanting to get back together and me having this weird ass feeling that I shouldn’t and that I don’t want to and want to call her out… then I wake up and realize it was a dream… it’s like my subconscious isn’t over her but my conscious wants nothing to do w her… it’s weird…. I usually don’t have nightmares about anything….

Jones-bones-boots · 2024-01-24T21:20:33+00:00

Take as much time as you can to learn about the brain and how fascinating it is and all of the remarkable things it does for our survival. Unfortunately, often times those tools we learn are the exact things that stop us from thriving.

Our brains also love to be right. It’s comfortable there, even when living with toxicity we know is harming us greatly. Learned love was given as long as you met certain conditions and removed when you didn’t or perhaps you were disregarding when you showed your own pain? Well, that shit becomes our truth and subconsciously our extremely powerful brains will work subconsciously to keep living in a space to prove that belief to be correct. Then we will behave the same way we learned was the best way to survive the pain to begin with. We will invite the very people who harm us into our lives repeatedly too. This pattern happens over and over and over…..Surviving life but not thriving.

We may even think how we go through life is a thing of pride and nothing is wrong at all. Well, not wrong with us. We may be hard workers, independent, self sufficient, etc. That may be true. However, if those traits grew from a deep seated core belief that you should do everything yourself because either nobody cares, nobody is as smart as you or they were incompetent you will more than likely find yourself as the only one busting your ass blaming all the incompetent people around you that you subconsciously invited into your life. Maybe the situation started off great but changed because the golden boy, who always did everything so perfectly, took over with all of his awesomeness and infinite wisdom his SO and those around him let him. Later he grows tired and angry from their incompetence but prideful because there is nothing wrong with him.

This is just a very simplified summary with examples of why we get stuck in patterns. However, it is backed by years of neuropsychological research and countless clinical findings. The super cool thing is that our brains can be changed and new beliefs can take the place of old ones. Our situations and our partners become much better because of it. The sucky part is that it takes a lot of work and harder the older we get because those neuro pathways grew really strong. That is why being really self aware is important to even start that journey of change. There are good therapists who know the leading methods and most effective means to help facilitate this that doesn’t require years of talking about shit we have convinced ourselves no longer effect us.

jimsmythee · 2024-01-24T21:04:58+00:00

It's been years now. But I still have nightmares that I'm still married to the exwife.

Worst one is that I'm still married, but we have lost everything including my house and my car and my job. We had to move into her parent's house and her dad is giving me the "dad lecture" about making better choices, even though it was his daughter that caused us to lose everything.

Second one is where we are still married and my new wife is asking me when I am going to finally get divorced from the exwife. She threatens to leave me.

Third one, I haven't had in a few years. In this nightmare, I'm divorced from her. But I've lost everything. I'm laying on the ground of a bedroom that has no furniture in it. There's a pile of dirty clothes next to me. I've lost my job and my pets all went to shelters, and I got notice that no one adopted them and they're going to be put down. I wake up in a cold sweat.

FinnyIzzy · 2024-01-24T20:34:31+00:00

Stop relying on her or any woman for validation. When you do you hand the power to them, literally your self-worth. They aren't worth it.

Miserable_Ad_1172 · 2024-01-24T20:11:15+00:00

Well OP not Going to lie it’s hard and will continue to be hard for some time. The fact you have good days shows you are healing. The process will happen and gradually the good days will get more and the bad days less, I promise you this. You just have to literally take it a day at a time. Let her have her silly fantasy I have never known anyone where karma didn’t come for them in some form in the future. You will be loved again and you will be a better version than you have ever been, but you must put the work in. You are alive, you have survived and now your going to get better. Never give in. We are all here on this page if you wana vent or just chat/advice. Look after yourself.

Ecstatic-Shopping313 · 2024-01-24T19:38:25+00:00

They've gotten fewer for me. I already struggle with nightmares due to PTSD, so sometimes they just shift focus. She still shows up a lot, just not as much as before.

New-Amoeba9042 · 2024-01-24T19:27:45+00:00

April will be two years for me, just had one last night, haha.

They come less often now at least, and bother me less

Title	When do the nightmares stop?
Author	LuvDonkeeButts
Upvotes	26
Comments	26
Date	January 24, 2024 7:26 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/19eoudy/when_do_the_nightmares_stop/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/when-do-the-nightmares-stop.1243727 https://theredarchive.com/post/1243727

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