When do you actually let go?

Vivid-Juggernaut2833 · 2024-04-28T10:59:57+00:00

Living well is the best revenge.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-04-28T03:13:05+00:00

It's a signal-noise problem. The signal is every effect your stbx has on you that registers, the noise is everything else. The signal slowly fades over time but with blips now and again, even far off into the distant future. Increase the noise, find a new signal.

fffrdcrrf · 2024-04-27T18:49:17+00:00

I go back in between angry sad and sometimes I feel some bliss. Sad because I’m lonely and miss some of the good times. Angry because what she did to me and the bad memories. Bliss comes from the fact that maybe I’m better off and that I learned somethings from this situation about myself and women that might help me in the future. I’ve failed at plenty of things or more so not take initiative for opportunities that have presented themselves, well it makes me upset but i don’t regret my mistakes because they’ve always made me wiser. Your taking a proactive approach to your emotions by going to a therapist and talking to us, thats exactly what you need to do because there is no one fit solution to this. You will need to test drive many outlets and solutions until you find a mixture that seems to help and I know no one here is going to say the one piece of advice that is going to be your “ah ha” coming to Jesus moment. So i will just say limit the free real estate you give her in your mind, no more than is logistically necessary. If you start thinking about her too much start to resist the thought pattern as if you’re not going to give her the satisfaction. That will be your revenge, I struggle with this concept but sometimes if I tell myself this it sorta helps.

whoisgodiam · 2024-04-27T17:23:31+00:00

Dude, just go monk mode and stay away from women. You have anger issues.

rhett342 · 2024-04-27T16:49:11+00:00

It's benn about a year and a half since even seen my ex and our divorce eas final back in August. I pretty much have two moods anymore; sad and angry. I'm exhausted from living like this but I can't stop. The one thing that helps is that I work a lot and am pretty tired from that. It probably isn't the healtiest approach but it kinda works and it also helps dig me out if the financial hole she left me in.

Bluetoes1 · 2024-04-27T15:29:13+00:00

Sorry man. I know exactly what you feel. I’ve been divorced for coming up on 7 years. I still get extremely angry anytime my ex is around, and even more so when my children talk to me about what she is doing to/with them when they are in her possession.

I’ve even had a therapist first the last 7 years as well. I’ve told him I still see him for my rage issues coming from the ex.

Btw, I have been remarried for 4 years and she still finds ways to piss me off.

Hopefully you can find peace, but I’m just letting you know that your feelings are valid

redplume · 2024-04-27T13:18:31+00:00

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's really hard. And sometimes it's hard because we need to feel the difficult things, and we try to find ways to avoid feeling them by telling ourselves that we should be able to let go, that we should have let go by now, why can't I just let go? Well, it makes sense that you'd have a hard time letting it go. It makes sense that you're angry, confused, and hurt. Start there. Feel that.

There's a reframing of "let go" I learned that was helpful to me; maybe it can be for you and others, too. Instead of "let go," try, "Let it be." And if that doesn't feel like enough, try, "Let it be, for now." Why does this work? Because it honors reality as it is: she is gone, AND you're feeling awful about it. For now, that's the way it is. This isn't giving up – this is giving yourself agency in the midst of an experience that is incredibly difficult. "Let go" often doesn't honor where you are and what you're feeling. It says, "I should be farther along; this shouldn't be upsetting me." Your anger is signaling something different. Your anger is telling you that you feel wronged, abandoned, unseen and unheard, not understood – whatever it is – and there's probably good reason for that. Validate that for yourself.

Joocewayne · 2024-04-27T12:13:48+00:00

It’s funny you attracted a fearful avoidant… the aftermath of your marriage has brought out this or a matching tendency in yourself. I’m the end, I was anxious preoccupied as all get out with my ex. Secure in every other area. In the aftermath, I have basically morphed into fearful avoidant with romantic relationships. Like draws like. Unhealed people attract people with either the same or well matching (I.e., toxic AF) traumas.

It will get better. As to when… that is entirely individual. It WILL GET BETTER. You will get better.

Until then, I suggest being wary of getting too deeply involved with another woman. It’s a hard prospect, I know because I’ve been there and realized I had to pump the brakes. For my own good.

LeftySmithy · 2024-04-27T11:54:04+00:00

I grieve for the loss of what could have been.... but not for the loss of her.

The further I get away from the relationship the more I realize just how much she gaslit me and how terrible of a person she is.

I did a lot of wrong things in the marriage too.... But I think for me anyway the grief is mostly over how this has affected the kids because of her self-centeredness.

not too long after she first left I used to pray to God for reconciliation.....

I felt like he kept telling me no over and over again. (I'm not kidding.... I used to have dream after dream about being back with her and how miserable it was).

I'm now closer to understanding why.

He changed me in a lot of ways but she's still exactly the same.

If we were to get back together as she is now it would be miserable just like before.

I did a lot of crying at the beginning and sometimes still do.... But it's over the breakup of the marriage itself because of what could have been if she would also have chosen to turn to God.

But if you don't think you have done anything wrong and you are entirely self-righteous in a situation then you see no reason why you should repent of anything.

She always laid every problem at my feet during the marriage so I don't know why I would expect it to be any different now that we are separated.

She's also close to schizophrenic, so that probably doesn't help anything either.

Not that it gives her a pass for her bad behavior but it is a reality.

I have anxiety myself but I feel like the thing that has helped me a lot is just living day-to-day.

The current moment that you are alive is really all you know you have for sure.

Each day you wake up be thankful and do your best to live it to its fullest.

EmotionSix · 2024-04-27T11:03:33+00:00

Methods I use: pretend she is dead; feel sorry for her sad new life; read about forgiveness; write her a nasty letter but never send it; be patient.

jgoodstein · 2024-04-27T10:50:25+00:00

Occupy your time with new hobbies, exercise, therapy, and work. The more you are focused on that stuff the less time you have for her.

she is living in your head rent free, she doesn’t get to do that to you any more. She lost that right. You shouldn’t have to “pay” for that.

As Taylor swift says “we are never ever getting back together”. 😂 So make a conscious effort to invest in you. Thoughts will creep in, that’s ok, it’s how you react that lets you move on. Karma will get her, you even alluded to it. Let karma do its thing.

Kwen_Oellogg · 2024-04-27T10:30:40+00:00

It took me about three years. But everyone is different. Feel free to be you.

Title	When do you actually let go?
Author	FitCondition754
Upvotes	14
Comments	14
Date	April 27, 2024 10:14 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ceb5w9/when_do_you_actually_let_go/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/when-do-you-actually-let-go.1516545 https://theredarchive.com/post/1516545

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