Fear of being cheated on / trust issues

RedPillDetox · 2021-09-28T08:30:51+00:00

Being cheated on isn't really THAT much of a big deal. You just think it is because Red Pill simply attaches a deep dark meaning to it that it doesn't really have, by shaming the shit out of anyone that is cheated on as well as glorifying the "other guy" and catastrophizing the whole situation.

Under red pill you're scum if you're cheated on as dating is mostly seen as a competition of who can fuck whom at the expense of a third party. This contrast with the "normal" meaning that people tend to attach to being cheated on, which is merely a violation of trust and of a "sacred" pair bond.

Not only is intensely psychopathic and disadjusted to view dating in the light of red pill, it's also deeply unfair because people cheat for all sorts of reasons that don't necessarily have to do with you but to the cheater and/or the situation. But even assuming you were indeed scum/loser for being cheated on... who cares?

Your girl fucked some other guy, so? Just break it off and go on with your life. No need to catastrophize the shit out of it. Provided you worked on yourself and on the relationship to keep the relationship flowing gracefully, you're not at fault. You were loyal to yourself and your values and put in the work, if someone thought fucking someone else was a better option, good for them.

unlivedbread · 2021-09-28T15:03:49+00:00

I've heard people say that you need to get to a point where you trust that you'll be alright if they do cheat. if you can't handle it then you probably shouldn't be thinking about relationships

2021-09-28T14:45:47+00:00

As a female with the same trust issues its actually comforting to see that men worry about this too. I hope that isnt offensive. I just mean as a women we are told men cheat. Obviously thats a broad and inaccurate statement but its definitely fucked me up. I have major trust issues that really dont seem to be fetting any better. I thought the thoughts and feelings would go away over time which makes me even more mistrusting bc im like "is this my gut trying to tell me something or just my fucked up brain screwing me over?" Ive also experienced a lot of gaslighting so i guess thats why i doubt myself. Someone please tell me it gets better. I see a lot of comments saying its not the end of the world but HOW do you disassociate from the love and pain it would evoke in you IF your partner did cheat? How does Reddit and social media affect your trust issues cause its all made mine SO much worse.

LadyKitana · 2021-09-28T18:46:29+00:00

The one thing I tell myself is that regardless of what happens in a relationship I trust that I am going to be ok .

ZacKaizen · 2021-09-28T19:31:06+00:00

First, you should probably talk to a therapist as it sounds like you have some trust issues you need to resolve.

Second, you have to realize that you cannot control what other people do, you can only control how you let it affect you. Do not let yourself be a doormat, but if you are a good person and she cheats on you, then you know it isn't on you. Reassess, improve, and move on.

I'll give you a personal story here. Almost 20 years ago, I had been dating a girl for 2 years (living with her for 1 of those) when I found out she was cheating on me. We had just renewed our lease, so I was stuck living with her for the whole next year. I thought that was going to be the worst year of my life: stuck living in an apartment with my cheating ex for a whole year - who the hell would want to date a guy like that? My best friend slapped me out of it and reminded me of who I was. I got my ass back in the gym, started going out with friends, and before long was dating (casually) again. Yes, her cheating sucked - but knowing she was like that sooner rather than later saved me a LOT of trouble.

It isn't a matter of "just trust her" or "the right girl won't do that". Rather, if you are the best version of yourself, and a girl you are dating cheats, you accept that she isn't worth your time and move on. Do not let someone else's actions have a strong impact on how you live your life. And for crying out loud, don't let someone misinterpreting statistics send you into a depression about life!

2021-09-28T22:00:11+00:00

Cheaters gonna cheat. Focus on what you can control. Love yourself.

MilkchocolateHero · 2021-10-01T08:03:58+00:00

Your feelings are valid and everyone is afraid of something. In this case, the thing that you fear is largely out of your control. It is impossible to say with 100% certainty that a partner will never cheat. With this in mind, it is more about letting go of the need to control the outcome of a relationship.

In any relationship the only actions that you have control of are your own. Do your best to be a good partner and seek out other good partners. This is easier said than done, but worrying about every potentiality will prevent you from getting the chance to ever connect with someone on a deeper level.

PutsWomenOnPedestal · 2021-09-28T13:57:23+00:00

I apologize in advance if this is offensive, but here is a perspective that might help reduce your fear:

My impression is that most westerners (men and women) have a sexual history before committing to marriage. If so, the "cheating" has already happened retroactively. In that sense, the cat is already out of the bag and it is sort of pointless to worry. If cheating actually happens after commitment, get a divorce and move on. Why obsess about it?

ET-Osmio-180599 · 2021-09-28T06:58:18+00:00

Bro, the issue of infidelity is somewhat complicated, there is a study that says that if women or men committed acts of infidelity with their previous partners, the probability of committing one with you is brutally higher, so the ideal would be to find out the past of that woman, see how the relationship ended, if she committed infidelity before. I know it is complicated to know that, in fact neither men nor women are going to tell you in front of you if they were unfaithful.
Also look at the actions rather than words, if those actions are something you don't like you can already see the kind of person.
You should tell all your fears to that person and fully trust and even tell your insecurities and fears of relationship. Women are very emotionally involved and it is good that you do it. A lot of infidelity is due to a lack of connection on both sides.
Look for things you do in common, that you both have the same life goals or objectives (if you are looking for long term relationships). That "opposites attract" is a big stupidity, it is better to look for things in common.

Emergency-Bedroom-73 · 2021-09-28T09:38:07+00:00

I'm not poly. We did the experiment. My ex wife unilaterally tried to impose her poly on to our marriage. End of marriage. Other GFs really went super hard in shaming, corercing, gaslighitng about how I was super unreal beyond toxic for not wanting poly. Fine. That's fine. People can do what they want. But the understanding and acceptance never goes the other way. It's always poly or the highway. Fine. I'm on the highway and plenty of non poly monogamous people out here. At least now I know I am not completely pathological.

I never cheated on any of my GFs, even if I wanted to sometimes. Although I did help one friend cheat on her BF. Which was, of course a disaster for them and me and I lost that friend.

Further, the stats on relationship satisfaction for poly are lower than for monogamous. Much to the absolute predictable fires of hell outrage from poly people. And in my own life, all the women who did non-consentual non monogamy ended up with pretty awful life results. These are the data on my personal life experiment. All my poly exes ended as follows: 1. Single mom, divorced 2. Single mom, never married. 3. Alcoholic, childless Married to a drunk. 4. Single mom on 3rd husband. 5. No children, never married. Single in to late 50s and counting.

I did have a couple of monogamous GFs who later got married and had kids and are still married, just not to me.

Frankly, if "humans are not wired for monogamy" or "people cheat" or "people are like dolphins" or some such thing, fine. I'm not participating in that. I've seen the fallout. It's too traumatic and destructive to relationships and to me personally.

2021-09-28T12:49:05+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Mark_Freed · 2021-09-28T14:12:04+00:00

90% of the time her cheating on you says way more about her than about you, Internalize this and you will be fine.

heytheredelilah91 · 2021-09-28T15:34:26+00:00

Life involves risks. By entering the dating world, you're already taking a risk that someone could leave you and/or cheat on you. It's up to you if you want to take any risks or not.

jaredhasarrived · 2021-09-28T16:46:34+00:00

Weigh in what you value more:

Your Fear

Or

Your Desire

SenorTonto · 2021-09-28T18:23:43+00:00

This is western culture that makes too big of a deal out of cheating. Trust is something you just have to learn to let go of. You give it until it is broken. Nothing more you can do.

Now if you're constantly being cheated on then I'd say you don't know how to vet women who are virtuous versus those who aren't. Get some therapy.

I'll say this. Monogamy requires discipline. Avoid women who lack discipline in various parts of their lives. It shows they can't be trusted to do the things that are required to live a stable life. Avoid women who treat others badly. Avoid women who lack loyalty. Avoid women who can't cooperate.

All these things take time to notice. Stop taking everything so personally. If some skank cheats on you then so what. Move on and learn from the experience

flapak · 2021-09-28T23:52:23+00:00

Thanks all for the replies! I'm clearly not fit for a relationship right now.

richardjreidii · 2021-10-02T02:59:05+00:00

Your fears are justified. Being betrayed by someone you care about is devastating.

You haven't healed from the emotional damage you've been dealt, and as such, you aren't in a position to become involved in a relationship. You won't be able to truly commit, and the fact that you'll be holding back isn't a foundation you can build on.

Take your time. As much time as you need. Focus on your hobbies, your career, your health. Do your best to ignore people who try to pressure you or shame you.

Title	Fear of being cheated on / trust issues
Author	flapak
Upvotes	16
Comments	46
Date	September 28, 2021 5:32 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/pwzjfn/fear_of_being_cheated_on_trust_issues/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/fear-of-being-cheated-on-trust-issues.1073834 https://theredarchive.com/post/1073834

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