How do I gain confidence in myself without any positive affirmations from other people?

GladysSchwartz23 · 2024-08-27T16:57:00+00:00

The number one thing you can do to make yourself feel better about yourself that's DOABLE for absolutely anyone is: find out how you can help others. Formal volunteering works, but I've found that less formal acts of kindness always help me feel like less of a useless waste of space when I'm feeling down.

You may not get any substantial thanks, but the results always help me feel better.

Some dingus here will no doubt say that you should only do altruistic things for purely altruistic purposes and not your own self esteem, but they are stupid dicks and you shouldn't listen to them -- I don't. If someone experiences relief from a problem because of what I did, they aren't going to care if it makes me feel good, and they're the only people I answer to here.

bluemagex2517 · 2024-08-27T16:30:05+00:00

I've never been the type of person that people compliment.

Not even your family? Your parents?

If your own family never supported you or helped build your self esteem, then it's definitely time to see a therapist or at least read some books on attachment styles and how you can build self esteem as an adult.

meleyys · 2024-08-27T15:48:44+00:00

One thing that might help is to come up with a list of good things you've done. Personally, I feel best when I've done things that benefit others in some way, but you can define "good" however you like. Then, when you've identified some things that make you feel good about yourself, see if you can do more of them.

Also, I know therapy gets recommended a lot on this subreddit, but there's a good reason for that. You might want to look into it.

Finally, I want to tell you that there's nothing wrong with lacking sexual/romantic experience, at any age. I didn't get into a relationship until I was almost 24 and didn't lose my virginity until I was 26. It's okay. It doesn't determine your value.

AssistTemporary8422 · 2024-08-27T16:18:36+00:00

Don't tell yourself positive affirmations that are lies. Maybe you really have no reason to believe in yourself right now because you haven't proven to yourself that you should. So right now your job is to do the work so you can believe in yourself in the future.

Exis007 · 2024-08-28T14:45:45+00:00

So, I've been giving this some thought. And I might be full of shit, because this is an idea I'm still workshopping.

It seems to me, when I do this for myself, a big part of it comes down to figuring out who I want to be. My self-conception, my idea about who I am and who I am not, is the crux of the whole issue. I have a set of goals, values, priorities, and ideas about what a good life looks like for me. Just as an example, hard work is valuable to me. Reading and educating myself, thinking new thoughts, learning new ideas, all of that is important. Being kind, patient, and giving people grace is important to me. Your values might be different! These are mine. The key of self-validation is mapping out what's important to me and what's not, and then valuing when I am living my life accordance with my own goals. There's a map in my own head, and when I follow that I feel good about my day, I feel good about myself, I feel good about what I accomplish.

When I am being that person and people have a negative reaction, don't like me, disagree with me...that doesn't bother me much. When people respond well to me, it feels like they authentically like what I'm about. So the reactions of other people aren't a litmus test of my value as a person. I am the litmus test for that. I either like the way I am or I don't. Other people are free to like me or not. But when people DO like me, they are liking the real me. They are self-selecting as people I am probably going to get along with and admire, because we're sharing values. When people respond poorly, they are showing that they are not people whose values align with mine, and we're probably better off not being socially connected. My authentic self is going to attract people and alienate them, and that's just for my own betterment. I don't want the people who are going to drag me down and ask me to contort myself into someone else.

But all of that rests on clear self-conception. And 'clear' does not mean self-deprication. It also doesn't mean self-aggrandizement. I can't play an instrument, I'm not musical. I am possibly the worst athlete. I'm a pretty great cook, but I'm not a chef in any sense. I am bad at video games. I am a top-notch reader. I can be honest about what my strenghts and weaknesses are without hating myself or trying to make myself sound like I'm some superhuman. I'm not. And because of that, I can reframe things as assets as opposed to values. I am not a good athlete, I am in fact terrible at it, but I run and play all day because entertaining my kid and getting his wiggles out is important, so I ran around the splash pad yesterday for 30 mintues anyway. I value that activity, even if I am laughably bad at it. What I value and what I'm great at don't always have to be the same thing. I am not a very patient person, but I do the act of patience every goddamned day despite the fact that I hate it because it is important and I can do hard things. Sometimes I fail at it and I feel bad about it, but that just reminds me to get my head in the game and try harder tomorrow. My skills don't always match my values, and that means I've got to work a lot harder to do things that are important to me because my values are what dictate my behavior. Since I value hard work, it's okay that it doesn't come naturally.

Confidence is just knowing what feels your ego and what destroys it. It comes from self-knowledge. If I am dressing for myself, I feel confident. I like my outfit. Did everyone else? Who cares. If I have fun singing karaokee, does it matter whether other people thought I nailed Pat Benetar? No. I had a good time, I liked what I did, and that's what makes me feel good. I can do it confidently if I am doing what I know is going to make me feel strong, capable, and in-line with my own goals. Other people can kick rocks if they don't like it.

spiral_dinosaur · 2024-08-28T13:57:04+00:00

I've never been the type of person that people compliment.

Well, what things do you do to deserve compliments? There's no such thing as a "type of person that people compliment". You have to earn compliments. I got a good haircut recently, got lots of compliments for that. I swapped my glasses for another pair too, got lots of compliments for that. Another friend recently told me they liked how I dressed that day. A friend I met with last night told me she loves my voice when I sing and she loves the songs I write. None of those compliments happened because I'm any "type of person" they happened because I took actions that people recognised and appreciated and because I'm friends with good people who like to say nice things to other people.

I'm invisible and an unheard, unlucky, and abnormal nobody who has never dated at 24 years old.

If you have nothing kind to say about yourself, how is anyone else ever going to say anything kind about you. If you choose to be invisible and unheard (and yes, it is a choice) then nobody is going to be able to recognise you and any of your qualities.

I have a hard time believing in myself and believing that I'm "enough the way I am" because it feels like I'm not.

Well, maybe you're not? Maybe you're living a life that is totally limiting your abilities, limiting your opportunities to be recognised, to recognise your own qualities, to be the interesting, active, noticeable person that you can be.

I don't get ANY real matches or likes on dating apps

Dating apps are fueled by our insecurities, especially the insecurities of men. They are pretty much designed to make you feel bad about yourself, because the more desperate you become, the more you use them and the more you pay for them. They've also unintentionally become a space that is dominated by men searching for the smaller number of women. Women are literally forced to be extremely selective with who they swipe on because they do not have the capacity to speak to the hundreds or even thousands of men who have liked them. It does not reflect how people connect in the real world. Do not rate yourself based on what dating apps tell you.

That said, if you've got such a negative opinion of yourself, if you don't have much of a life, that's going to show in your profile and it's not something that any woman is looking for. If you want someone to review your profile, I'm happy to do that for you.

If I said that I was a kind, caring, and handsome person, that would be false because there's no corroborating evidence.

Why aren't you a kind and caring person? What's stopping you? That's entirely a choice of yours to make. You don't need evidence to show yourself that you're kind, but there's also nothing stopping you from creating that evidence. Do some volunteering, donate to charity, reach out to friends and family and see how they're doing and offer to listen to them and support them when they need it. Zero obstacles in the way beyond your own choice not to do these things.

So what do you need to do next? Honestly, I mean this in the kindest way possible: get off your arse and stop sulking about it. Get some hobbies that force you to spend time with other people. Do interesting things that you enjoy. Find some goals you would like to achieve, things that interest you, and do it.

I went through a rough patch recently after a difficult dating experience which left me feeling pretty shitty about myself. I had the option to wallow in it like we all do. Instead I got up, tidied myself up (haircut, new clothes, new glasses), I got out to see my friends as often as I could, I worked on more of my music, I put more effort into my business, my passions, into looking after myself. And it immediately paid off. Literally just getting a nice new haircut got me some attention and some compliments from friends - virtually all of whom are women.

I completely get it. It's hard to feel good about yourself without external input. I know that I felt bad because I had zero matches on the dating apps, and then this one woman I'd been speaking to basically dropped me for someone else. It felt shit. I was alone at home (and then even had a round of covid so was really alone), isolated, and feeling shitty about myself. I really could have done with some positive feedback. So I got up and I found it. I made the effort and it paid off.

I get compliments because I make an effort, and because I have also made an effort to surround myself with good people who care about me. And they care about me because I make the effort to care about them.

And when I say "effort" none of this is actually hard work. It's all enjoyable stuff. Spending time with friends is nice. Playing music is something I love to do. Getting a haircut involved sitting in a chair for 30 mins while the most fabulous Barcelonean worked his magic on me. Finding some nice clothes was a fun day out with a friend.

All of this is available to you. So what's stopping you?

trashlurch · 2024-09-01T18:55:02+00:00

Hmmm I think I get my confidence out of a mix of things. Part is that I have high moral standards for myself. Knowing that I'm always trying my best at being a good person, making good choices, and being a good presence in other peoples lives, makes me feel valid and strong. Obv I'm not perfect but if I fuck up I try to take accountability as best as I can. It gets easier over time.

Another part is that I know myself. I know my values and what I like and I know my needs. I try to prioritize these things so that I am satisfied with the choices I make. I can't have everything I want but I can look at my options realistically and then try to make the best choice for myself. That doesn't lead to a perfect dream life but it makes me pretty happy and at peace with myself. I also focus on accepting the bad things about my situation that I can't change (at least not over night). Example: I have very little money (mental health issues make it so I can't work full time rn) and I have made peace with that. I rarely feel small because of it because I have accepted that fact about my life.

I wasn't always so well adjusted (therapy helped a lot) but once I got better at being good to others and being at peace with my own choices, other people started to like me a lot more. Most of the time I'm not getting explicit validation either but I can tell that others enjoy my company and that's pretty validating.

I think the shitty thing about validation is that we all kind of need it, because we are social animals and can't just isolate ourselves from others completely. But you only get validation once you already have your shit together to a degree. We get validation for being good members of our social group. We need to have something to offer like conflict resolution skills, wisdom, kindness, being funny, etc. But it's totally normal that we don't have anything to offer when we are doing really bad.

I think at first we need to take care of ourselves - not at the expense of others but independently from them - and then we can get well enough so that we will be able to enter our social group as grown people who have something to contribute. And then comes the validation we all crave. At least this is how it was in my experience.

rebrando23 · 2024-09-04T21:11:53+00:00

Journaling on a daily basis, with prompts such as:

“What 3 things am I proud of myself for?”

“What 3 small things coming up in life am I excited about?”

“Say some things positive about yourself:”

“What’s the best decision I made today?”

Does wonders for how you see yourself and doesn’t really take that long to have an impact

StayCool-243 · 2024-08-28T15:24:16+00:00

In this life you're free to like yourself despite all the evidence in the world.

Personal_Dirt3089 · 2024-08-28T18:09:52+00:00

Dating apps suck and you should not rely on them. Learn to meet women in person. I get that it is different post pandemic.

Fluffy-Comedian-3245 · 2024-08-29T03:33:12+00:00

Stop seeking validation and compliments from others. You must truly love yourself first so you wouldn’t becoming so attached to others

ShallotNSpice · 2024-08-27T21:40:30+00:00

I believe that every living thing has value just by existing, and part of the human experience is doing the work needed to find that value. What I did was start working backwards from what I want. I want to be able to move strongly and flexibly when I get old so I started small with 15-minute YouTube exercises last year and the process has made a huge difference physically and psychologically. I have taken an interest in knowing what I am eating and not just mindlessly eating which takes up a good amount of mental space everyday. I took up a couple of hobbies that I make sure to spend a bit of time on every day.

I think we have a responsibility to not take things for granted. Getting out of bed is actually something many people around the world would love to be able to do. Some people don't have beds, some people can't physically move, some people simply can't bring themselves to do it. It isn't too small to add to the list of things that we should find value in and it's an important step in the routine you're going to want to start for yourself. Hold yourself accountable to this routine and practice self discipline to stick to it. Part of working on ourselves isn't the end result that we want but practicing the internal stuff like self awareness, discipline, patience, etc that is needed on a daily basis to get there. And then once you do, you'll feel so bad ass that you will wonder what else you can do.

I think it's so easy to compare ourselves to other people but once I became really curious about what I'm capable of and started taking steps to create the routine, my life changed. I literally don't have time to give a shit what anyone else is doing and I'm putting that effort into myself.

Also ask yourself... all the things you see other people doing with their lives... why not you?

Title	How do I gain confidence in myself without any positive affirmations from other people?
Author	AndlenaRaines
Upvotes	14
Comments	28
Date	August 27, 2024 3:41 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/1f2k8ha/how_do_i_gain_confidence_in_myself_without_any/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/how-do-i-gain-confidence-in-myself-without-any.1528565 https://theredarchive.com/post/1528565

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