Hi. I don't consider myself a "redpiller" or "blackpiller". I don't post on incel forums or watch videos about those topics. I consider myself attractive enough and I don't care that much about how random women perceive me. I'm posting this because I want to vent, and maybe my mindset shares similarities with these groups'. I've been in college for a few years now, by the way.

I believe there's something deeply wrong with my personality that makes connecting with other people past a superficial level impossible. I've never been on a date, and I haven't had any friends since middle school. Though I have had acquaintances in my classes, those relationships ended as soon I didn't see those people on a regular basis anymore.

I can make small talk well enough, and maintain amicable relationships with my roommates and other people I have to interact with, but I can never be honest and be the real me, and that's so tiresome and frustrating. The truth is, I don't care about other people. The only person I really care about is myself. I've thought about trading people before, like if I could exchange them for something I want, money or a difficult skill, how much would they be worth. Even my family members, like my older sister. If all it took was pressing a button, I seriously might do it.

When I see an attractive woman around campus, a couple things go through my mind. First, I get aroused. Then I realize I'm only interested in them for their body, and I almost certainly wouldn't like their personality. Then I get frustrated, because I know somebody else will probably get to enjoy that body, and finally I realize it's probably not actually worth the trouble. This happens so often, it takes a few moments to go through all these stages.

Maybe part of it is that I've never approached a woman, so the idea makes me anxious. But I know I wouldn't enjoy going on dates, and trying to make another person like me by pretending to be someone I'm not. I already pretend to be someone I'm not, all the time, and I hate it. I'm not charismatic, funny or kind. I don't want to be those things though, because that's not me.

I don't generally like women. The only thing I like about them is their bodies. The reason why is simply because they're different from me. They don't think like me, they don't like what I like and dislike what I dislike, we don't value the same things. I don't even like femininity. Personality-wise, my ideal is someone who's stoic, modest, conscientious, has no insecurities, unemotional, unempathetic. I've never met a women like that. they only exist in fiction. The kind of person who wouldn't feel bad if someone died in front of them. A really strong person, who would just so happen to be enamored with me while not caring about anyone else. I know it's totally unrealistic, but that's my fantasy.

Finally, I think an android like that is what would make me happy, one that's physically indistinguishable from a human being. I'm a lonely person. It feels like there's a void inside of me that's eating away at me. Sometimes I can actually feel a sinking in my chest. Or I'll be lying in bed at night, and part of my mind is screaming at me that I'm not living my life the right way. I don't really want friends though. Those platonic, limited relationships can't satisfy me. If if could go home every day, knowing there's somebody who'll always be waiting for me to talk and relieve my sexual tension, I would be happy, like medicine for a sick person.

edit: A lot of people have suggested therapy. I'm not opposed to the idea, but I can't talk about this stuff with my family. They'd blow off any mention of mental health, give me a hard time, and tell me to focus on my classes instead.