Need help

xvszero · 2021-11-19T01:25:02+00:00

So, how do you feel about red pill now? Do you still think it holds some truth? Or did you realize its mostly bullshit?

Therapy would help. Also, I guess like finding a stable friend group so you can see what good relationships look like, whether on the Internet or in real life or both. To be honest it'd be tough for someone like me to fall into red pill now because I know way too many good couples in good longterm relationships to fall for the lies about how women all blah blah blah. Including you know, myself.

Here is a reality though. Red pill and other stuff tries to give you the illusion of control, but the truth is, you can't ever 100% know the future. Life is full of risks. You just have to make good choices and work towards good ends and hope for the best for yourself and the people around you.

CenterallyReserved · 2021-11-19T01:25:30+00:00

Proud of you for wanting to change and the red pill is definitely a popular first step for a lot of people. You’re witnessing first hand the toxicity it can bring, which is why I left that community years ago.

What helped me were doing two things, rewriting my narrative and focusing on what works best for me. You want to be the type of guy that attracts loyal, high integrity women? Start modeling that behavior in your day to day and surround yourself with like minded people. You’re giving the past too much power, and it’s not doing you any good. Find your passions and purpose and focus on you,maybe you have already. In the end it has to be about you trusting yourself and being good with being in your own company. Once you can do that, it doesn’t matter what happens, people are flawed and will not usually show up how we want them to, and thats ok.

Hope that helped a bit

Exis007 · 2021-11-19T03:30:51+00:00

The thing about a fear of betrayal is that you're almost certainly going to be betrayed from time to time in minor ways at the very least. It might not be cheating necessarily, though that's certainly a popular format. But people will lie and keep secrets. You will trust people who will abuse or break that trust. It is a part of life. I wish I could tell you how to avoid it, but you can't really. It is a thing that can always happen and often does.

But, you may ask yourself, if that's the case, how is it that everyone keeps living and falling in love and trusting again? The answer to that is there are no other options. The only way to never be betrayed is to lock yourself away from all human contact. If you're not going to do that, then you're going to run the risk that people you trust will screw you over and that's just the price of admissions to love and dating and having friends. Other people learn to tolerate this by coming to trust, not other people necessarily, but themselves. I trust in my judgement about my husband. I trust that I can tell that he loves me and that he is after my best interest. And while that does nothing to protect me from the fact that he might cheat, I know that IF that happens it won't be because I was a fool who got duped. It doesn't make me a loser. I also trust that if I was betrayed in a way that I couldn't live with, that I have the strength and the courage to move on with my life and start over, build something good again, fall in love again. It might be over with some particular person, but I wouldn't be over. I would be okay. It would be horrible and painful and I'd be very upset for a long time, but I'd get through it. I think about it the same way I think about car accidents. Loving someone means running the risk that they will perish in a car accident. It would be horrible, it would be devastating, but I would be okay in the end. I'd find a way through it.

You don't really trust other people like placing a bet. You trust yourself. You trust that you can rely on your own judgement of someone's character and intentions. You trust that you can rely on your own boundaries and self-preservation instinct to not put up with someone treating you like garbage. You trust that you can do hard things and go through bad experiences and bounce back from them because you are a whole, complete person. If you get to that place, you don't have to police other people's behavior, not that it would work if you tried. You get to a place where you trust yourself to tell the people of good character and good intentions from people jerking you around. You get to a place where you know you're going to leave if someone starts acting shady or trying to tell you up is down. And you trust that if you get it wrong and someone surprises you that you'll live through it. Then it isn't this big scary boogeyman hanging over every relationship, because if the hammer drops you know what's up. You are the only thing in the entire universe that you can control, and that's a blessing because it means you can learn to be okay amidst the chaos of other people. You don't have to rely on others to be good people, you can solve this entire problem for yourself.

GoWest7 · 2021-11-19T01:21:50+00:00

Therapy and discussions with a patient girlfriend, friends, and therapist.

Greenwithenv · 2021-11-19T08:51:08+00:00

One sentence helped me when I found out that my very first love and very first everything (including first male hug --- coming from a conservative upbringing), cheated on me after several years of relationship.

That sentence was an answer to my question, 'how can I trust a partner again so fully, without the fear of being cheated on again?'

A friend replied like this; "by making yourself as happy and strong as possible as a single person. So that you know that you will be fine if abandonement happens again."

And I really did not date, going into celibacy, working on myself until I really am that strong person. And now I am in a happy relationship and fully trust my partner again.

My now partner, he had done the same work too. We love each other so much and trust each other, but we know that we are going to be fine if one of us does the unthinkable.

agavaa · 2021-11-19T08:20:41+00:00

Congratulations, you have taken the hardest step on the road - recognizing what you should fix and looking for solutions.

As with any intrusive thoughts and harmful mindsets one might have been stuck in for prolonged periods of time it will take time to readjust. It's only natural that old impulses consistent with the previous mindset will try to steer you in the direction of that path.

So first of all: don't be hard on yourself for these thoughts etc. popping up in your head. You can't control that, but you can try to let them exist without acting on them. Do your best to let them be and it will get easier over time.

Plenty of good advice in the comments already - all of that will be in support of you just trying to slowly letting it go.

Good luck!

RedPillDetox · 2021-11-19T09:23:40+00:00

You went to red pill to protect yourself from cheating, but the truth is that being red pill is so damaging you now have the opposite problem, which is that you can't date anyone due to fear of infidelity. From this perspective, red pill failed you (as it fails 99% of us, wether we admit it or not). Think about it this way: There's no point in being red pill or thinking about infidelity if it places me on the opposite extreme to the point where i still suffer as much or more as if i had been cheated on due to my insecurity and anxiety.

Some women cheat. Some women don't. You can't always tell because you're not a super human with mind reading capabilities. Might as well just live your life normally and see where dating a girl takes you.

juliuspepperwoodchi · 2021-11-19T16:58:21+00:00

Therapy.

Sorry, I know that's probably not what you were hoping to hear and you've probably heard it before; but the best answer to the toxic thought patterns you're stuck in is to work through them in therapy. You have been traumatized by TRP and how you're feeling is a trauma response.

Snoo_90831 · 2021-11-19T13:31:17+00:00

When advising people on trust I generally advise that it’s more about trusting yourself and trusting in your ability to deal with anything that comes your way. Is it possible you could be betrayed? Sure. That’s always a possibility. But that doesn’t say anything about you. If someone betrays you, that says something about them, not you. So, let’s say this girl does betray you. How would you handle that? Get yourself to a place where even if the worst we’re to happen, you know you’d be ok, that makes it so much easier to not obsess about those things. You know it’s always possible, but rest easy in the knowledge that it’s not your fault and if it happens, you’ll deal. Plus, you’ve done your due diligence, you’ve gotten to know the girl and who she is. Thats the best anyone can do. We are all at risk of being “played”, but again if we are doing all we can on our side, at the end of the day that’s on them.

Beautiful-Disaster33 · 2021-11-19T20:13:54+00:00

You need to address the unresolved feelings of hurt and betrayal from past relationships before you will ever see success in a new one. Until you have dealt with your shit, you have no business even looking for a relationship. I'm being blunt because there is no point in sugar coating it. I recommend you go to therapy, sort your shit out so you're able to enter into a relationship without any pre-existing notions that the girl is going to fuck up and betray you. She'll see right through it very quickly. She's then going to see you as weak, and women are not attracted to weak men. If you go into it trying to tell yourself she isn't "just like the rest of them" now, you're going to spend the entire relationship self sabotaging and seeing things that may not be there. Pretty shitty for her, if you ask me. You're dooming her to failure too if you jump into it now which is probably not what you want. Best of luck to you!

n0name1026 · 2021-11-19T21:58:53+00:00

The thing about red pill is that it teaches you to not trust anyone. It teaches you that most people are selfish. It turns you into a selfish person because you assume others are just as selfish or worse.

I can't reccomend it enough, mens groups are a huge helper for guys trying to break free and learn to trust again.

ShinrinYoku1127 · 2021-11-19T23:56:01+00:00

I've watched this video recently and the lecturer is mentioning this mindset of incorrect generalisations (all women are X) and other tendencies that are correlated with depression and anxiety. There are strategies how to deal with this. Maybe you will find it useful.

https://youtu.be/TVgQ_tgWMyU

Coollogin · 2021-11-19T17:00:06+00:00

What are your thoughts about the observation that betrayal during the Just Dating phase is not possible? When you’re just dating, and not yet in an exclusive relationship, dating other people as well is entirely acceptable. You’re trying to meet a lot of women so you can figure out what you like and what kind of women you get along with best. As long as you’re not pretending to be exclusive while you’re playing the field, it’s all good.

I guess what I’m asking is whether you are trying to rush to exclusive commitment too quickly. Or possibly hold a double standard about playing the field, in which it’s fine for men but not for women.

Dahks · 2021-11-19T18:21:08+00:00

You've received some pretty good comments so I'm going to keep it short: after some bad time, I started to "overtrust" people. I would tell them how I felt and personal things and some of them behaved nicely but others in insensitive ways.

Some of these people were women, some were not; some of them were not deserving of my trust and some were. This is just life, it's how it is and we'll be sad some times because people will let us down. A redpill mindset will cherrypick some of these cases to sustain its absolute affirmations such as "women are untrustworthy", but it's just that, an argumentative fallacy.

What I mean to say is that people are different. There are women that are bad people and cause pain to others because this is just what some people do, and they're no different than men. But this is not an argument in favour of the redpill but the other way around: where they offer you a pessimistic "objectivity" you will find a limitless uncertainty.

leebeebee · 2021-11-19T19:20:41+00:00

There are a lot of hood suggestions here! One thing that might be helpful might be to cultivate friendships with women. If you have female friends it could humanize women in general; when you have no ulterior motives, you’ll see that they’re just people.

You can’t just walk up to a woman on the street and ask to be her friend, of course, but if there are women at school or work who have similar interests, you can talk to her about them. Let the friendship proceed organically, just like it would with one of your male friends. Don’t think of it as a means to an end, just as a potential new gaming buddy (or whatever).

Be aware, though, that some women are wary of men and will assume that you have ulterior motives even if you don’t. Don’t take that personally—chances are, they have good reasons to be cautious.

I’m glad you’re re-evaluating rp stuff. I think you’ll be a much happier person when you get it out of your system. Not because you’ll necessarily have a girlfriend, but because you won’t view half of the human race with suspicion and disdain. That kind of attitude is exhausting.

Good luck!

vcreativ · 2021-11-21T23:14:16+00:00

Honestly, you seem mostly on a good trajectory. You understood a ton of the issue, and you want to get better. You realise that there's something off in your perspective. Great.

I really wouldn't date right now. For a good while. I'd advise some you time, therapy, and starting a journal.

Instead of going against your anxiety, try to listen in with intent to understand what precisely you're anxious about and why. Try to think of and answer as many questions regarding your anxiety as you can.

Write them down to process them via a physical medium. Many fears simply dissipate when met with appropriate effort to understand them. Others change in form because understanding begets understanding.

To push against anxieties might seem effective and courageous at first, but it's usually a matter of adding a layer of behaviourisms designed to control your fear. If you keep doing it your resulting personality will be based on a foundation of insecurity, with its "stability" reliant on it.

By aiming to understand your anxiety, you're actually giving it a chance to dissolve and in its place construct another layer of your personality, not atop.

Title	Need help
Author	Ginj96
Upvotes	15
Comments	34
Date	November 19, 2021 1:10 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/qx4kud/need_help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/need-help.1083371 https://theredarchive.com/post/1083371

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