An exerpt from "Female Assertiveness: Stop Resolving the Tension" by Bethany Webster (link in comments)

Creature__Teacher · 2020-06-04T00:27:10+00:00

Full article, absolutely worth a read: Female Assertiveness: Stop Resolving the Tension

Growing up, I always considered myself a "people pleaser." My self-esteem came from being called "nice," "sweet," "generous." Those are good compliments, sure, but I was constantly bending over backward to accomodate everyone else at the expense of my own sanity, money, time, and general well-being. Coming across this article was a slap to the face.

If anyone can relate, this article is a worthy read.

Newwavesupport3657 · 2020-06-04T01:17:41+00:00

I'm single and I do this... it's also a symptom of trauma (codependency.) I was denied jurisdiction over my life by my family of origin and then abused in another agency. It's why healing is important for me before seeking romantic relationships. I need to gain full control over my life first

catsuramen · 2020-06-04T04:03:16+00:00

YASSS.

Here's an example: I was watching a movie with my BF and we see very different things. In this scene, a girl is telling a boy that she just got a huge scholarship to go to a prestigious far-away school that she worked hard for. The boy, having a crush on her, storms off angry after yelling "do you want to move?" The girl looks down and says no reluctantly.

My BF and I discussed this scene. He took it at face-value that she doesn't want to leave and be with him. I explained that if the girl worked so hard for so long, applied to the school and gotten accepted, she knows she will be leaving him back in town to chase her dreams. As he got angry, she succumbed to avoid confrontation and people-please, therefore, she says "no, I don't want to move" to give ease to his childish behavior.

The greatest enemy of our goals is ourselves. Females are raised to resolve tension and brings in togetherness. This goes way back to hunter-gatherers ages. This worked; community thrived. However, literally nobody NOBODY in this day and age appreciates conflict resolution. Patriarchy values dominance and getting your way. Ladies, stop feeling sorry for other people at the expense of yourselves. Rather it'd be giving him that last piece of fried chicken that you love, or taking on emotional workload of others, we collectively need to say "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT."

jenneschguet · 2020-06-04T03:49:51+00:00

I work with mainly males and avoid doing these things. It will make you terribly unpopular, but respected (which we want).

jewdiful · 2020-06-04T01:17:00+00:00

I am a big apologizer. I was harshly but honestly told to stop assuming that I'm the only thing in a person's life that could impact their feelings or their day/stop feeling like the center of the world, and to stop apologizing and trying to solve their problem.

If someone around me is upset, I feel uncomfortable, and I want to fix their bad mood. But that's not always the way to go about things, because sometimes all a person needs is to sit and feel their feelings for a moment and for you to accept that without trying to change it

FreyaCatLife · 2020-06-04T04:36:52+00:00

Hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooly shit.

One damn this post read me like a book and two, I am reading rn.

seelina455 · 2020-06-04T04:16:07+00:00

I can't thank you enough for posting this.

msromperstomper · 2020-06-04T13:01:46+00:00

Yes! How many times is it left up to the woman to "smooth things over" after a fight, when the fight originated from something careless or disrespectful the man has done? I'm currently in a two week standoff with a male friend whose feelings were hurt when I pointed out certain behaviors that I felt were disrespectful. I know he is just waiting for me to reach out and make things better. Nothing gets better when things are swept under the rug. Men in our society need to put on the big boy pants and do the emotional work.

SunnydaleHSDropout · 2020-06-04T15:28:59+00:00

Another part of this is being the one to "fix" any relationship issue. After a fight, who's drafting up paragraphs of texts to make everything right? Who's looking at next steps to ensure everyone is coming away from the situation with a new perspective and a solution? Even more, who's making the changes after an argument? If it's always you doing this, you're also people pleasing and need to look after yourself first. I am so guilty of this in my relationships, it ain't even funny.

Knackered_Hubcaps · 2020-06-04T09:32:09+00:00

Thank you so much for posting this!

0kfornow · 2020-06-04T12:51:12+00:00

It's exhausting

jeanneeebeanneee · 2020-06-04T16:23:02+00:00

This was the biggest moment of clarity for me on my FDS path - realizing that I gain nothing from always being the one to lie down and take whatever anyone else dished out. There is no reward, karmic or otherwise, for being that person who always takes on others' discomfort. Let them sit in it.

Co-R-vid · 2020-06-04T16:52:26+00:00

Wow! What a great list... I’m just starting to really “get it” at midlife. I’ll also be looking into the “Reclaiming Baggage” Podcasts.

Rock on, ladies!

Salt_Satisfaction · 2020-06-04T23:16:28+00:00

I'm so guilty of the second point. Every time I discussed this with men they're like "well stop doing it then". Gee, thanks, it's not as if the brainwashing didn't started when I was a little kid. It's a long way to assertiveness.

4 & 5 hit too close home as well

ehltahr · 2020-06-04T22:40:19+00:00

I feel attacked. Working on it, though.

SuchBarracuda · 2020-06-06T03:10:24+00:00

I've become petty and I rather enjoy it

Title	An exerpt from "Female Assertiveness: Stop Resolving the Tension" by Bethany Webster (link in comments)
Author	Creature__Teacher
Upvotes	562
Comments	27
Date	June 4, 2020 12:23 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/gw6by6/an_exerpt_from_female_assertiveness_stop/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/an-exerpt-from-female-assertiveness-stop-resolving.691970 https://theredarchive.com/post/691970

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