Finding a Muslim HVM

circescircus · 2020-05-13T18:05:57+00:00

How does he view/treat all women? That would be the ultimate screening test to see if a religious/cultural man is a HVM or not. Not just women from his culture/religion, who he sees as acceptable or respectable, someone his mom would approve of. If he views other women as whores, as subhuman, as less than-- he is not a HVM and never will be. The only way you can brainwash yourself to think otherwise is if you have a "not like the other girls" mentality. That you are different from all of womankind, because you share the same faith or culture. If you place faith and culture above your humanity as a woman, you choose the misogyny of those faiths and cultures over your personhood.

brainsandb00bs · 2020-05-13T20:09:36+00:00

I’m a Muslim woman, it all depends on finding a man with the same halal/haram ratio as you. That’s going to mean different things for different people. There are certain characteristics that are haram, that I won’t see as a red flag, that another Muslim woman would. It’s all relative, so the stuff you look for and questions you ask would also change accordingly.

Make sure you see eye to eye on what’s important to you. If you’re vehemently against alcohol, don’t date someone who drinks hoping you can change him. Similarly, if you’re someone that enjoys a drink or two socially...don’t marry a sheikh hoping he can inspire you to do better. That’s just asking for problems off the bat. Same goes for key lifestyle things like eating halal meat, fasting, praying, etc. Try to find an equal mind.

Characteristics of Muslim HVM I know (some of these may be culture specific, and may not apply to someone more devout than me) that are specific to their Muslim background. All the other characteristics of a HVM we talk about in this sub still apply to Muslim people.

Has no opinion on hijab. Whether a woman should wear it, shouldn’t wear it, whether his wife/daughter should wear it or when. They understand it’s the woman’s decision and between her and God at the end of the day. When you ask him “do you want a wife that wears a hijab one day” his answer should be that he doesn’t care what his wife chooses to do.
Him and his family front all costs of the wedding
He has a home ready for me to move into with him that doesn’t require a financial investment from me (this is also big requirement of my parents, they’d never say yes to someone that needed my help to buy the house we are bout to live in)
Educated. Being educated is such a big part of so many cultures where Islam is dominant that not having a bachelors degree after a certain age is a red flag. Especially if his family doesn’t care.
Has had some time living away from his parents. Although this is rare with Muslim men, I can’t handle a man that goes straight from living with his brown immigrant mother that probably smothered him/spoiled him to living with me.
In my opinion I see Muslim LVM more often being mammas boys or caring too much about pleasing the women in their family which can be problematic if there is ever a situation where it’s you versus them (this may just be my culture, but someone that abuses/neglects his mom is rare, more likely to come across men that need someone to help them cut that umbilical cord). A HVM respects the women in his family, and honors them in the way he interacts with other women, but creates healthy boundaries with them too.
How is his relationship with his dad like - how important that is depends on who his dad is. How was his dad’s relationship like with the women in the house? What does he think about his fathers behavior, and what does he do about it if he is a LVM?
Doesn’t believe in using physical discipline/casual child abuse to discipline children.
Is in touch with his religion and culture of his nation of origin, but doesn’t let it rule his entire life. I want to be with an individual. Not Generic Muslim Man #738281.
Ask if they dated in the past and if they dated non Muslim women and what their intentions were. HVM didn’t date much in the past because they were focused on their studies/business, the few women they did date they dated because they had an emotional connection and wanted to be together regardless of faith. LVM will straight up brag about all the non Muslim women they lead on but will never marry “because they want to settle down with a good girl” like you.
Non judgemental about where you are with your faith
Doesn’t ask any questions about your sexual history. Doesn’t divulge information unsolicited.
Budgets life without expectation that you are financially contributing to anything, considers his money as his and your money, and your money as your money.
HVM do not care if they have males or females as children. They want healthy children. LVM will volunteer that they hope they never have a girl.
Consistent with his deen, whatever that might mean. Someone who goes from sharmoot party boy one day to sheikh the next day has things to figure out on his own, you can’t bring peace to that confusion.

SpectralCadence · 2020-05-13T17:50:08+00:00

Any guy who does or can do the following:

asks you to repay your mahr if you were to divorce him (thereby financially controlling + crippling you). (Sharia law)
takes your kids away from you (Sharia law)
follows a system which explicitly allows him to beat any and all of his four wives if they disobey him (Sharia law)
believes he deserves 72 virgins for his sexual pleasure in heaven (This is in the Koran)
believes that a wife owes him sex on demand (This is in the Koran)
believes in a system that says most women go to hell (This is in the Koran)

can never be an HVM. An HVM would be able to see this system for how misogynistic it really is and would never want his girlfriend, wife, daughter, sister, mother etc to be subjugated by it. This goes for nearly all faiths -- that's why I now avoid super religious men.

dzgata · 2020-05-13T22:28:57+00:00

Hi love, I’m Muslim as well and proudly so. I feel it may be best for us Muslim women to perhaps discuss with each other about these things, seeing as many in this group are islamaphobic without an inkling of the truth about Islam. You’ll just be attacked on here with a bunch of nonsense lies from people who don’t know jack shit about our religion.

266433555 · 2020-05-13T17:20:00+00:00

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Ink3dmama · 2020-05-13T19:14:02+00:00

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TheCatProwlsAgain · 2020-05-14T01:52:11+00:00

I think a few of the points you listed can be navigated through basic vetting and how he treats you and people around him - I.e, talks about his exes, his views on women’s roles etc.

I’ve known quite a few HV Muslim men and I think most people who live in a remotely cosmopolitan city have too, other than than the above I don’t have much specific advice except that I can see how a Muslim man may not tell his folks about you super soon as, depending on how open he’s been with them about his dating life, the implication of it being ‘this is very serious/I intend to marry her’ would be how they’d take it and maybe even he’d want to avoid his own parents putting pressure on a budding relationship?

266433555 · 2020-05-13T17:40:43+00:00

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throwawayitst · 2020-05-13T18:06:39+00:00

Thanks for your knowledge OP. I would love more insight on this

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throwawayitst · 2020-05-13T18:17:37+00:00

[deleted]

Title	Finding a Muslim HVM
Author	HoneyBouquet
Upvotes	63
Comments	50
Date	May 13, 2020 5:10 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/gj34ww/finding_a_muslim_hvm/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/finding-a-muslim-hvm.676246 https://theredarchive.com/post/676246

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