Today, I blocked my friend with benefits/situationship pal/mental health saboteur.

I met this man on hinge in February and fell for the fantasy—he played pretend bf to get me invested, then left me in a state of constant longing for a relationship with him. But after finally, finally getting over his ex (whom he only dated a month back in November), he “wasn’t ready for a relationship.” I am a PhD candidate working on my dissertation. I completely ignored my work to obsess over this man. He used my chosen career field against me; doesn’t want to fall for me if I’m just going to move in a year. Pickmeisha that I am, I had the passing thought of putting my job search off for a year. Like, what?! I’m not even a relationship junkie. I’ve been happily single, living for me for the past five years.

Today, I woke up. I realized I had this feeling that I was waiting on something. I found this sub last week, and now I know that what I was waiting for was commitment, and he never intended to give it to me. It didn’t matter that he seemed like a HVM—always cooking me delicious meals, buying me things, texting me every day, attending to my needs first in the bedroom. The dream, right? But he knew he was emotionally torturing me; I broke a lot of (what I now know to be) FDS rules. I essentially begged him for a relationship, or to let me go because I wasn’t strong enough to do it. This was a LVM playing dress up as a HVM (is there even such a thing).

This isn’t even including the threesome fantasies I catered to (I’m bisexual. Yikes! I bought into that one and betrayed bi and pan people everywhere by letting him sexualize my orientation). Ironically, the threesome fantasy saved me as he seemingly accidentally revealed he had been sleeping with other hinge girls, despite his multiple promises he was only seeing and fucking me... So important to secure the actual relationship commitment and not accept false promises. And yes, this was a month ago and I still went back! Shameful, but I never truly got over it. That anger has stayed with me and helped me snap out of it (she a little confused, but she got the spirit.gif).

I blocked him six hours ago. This is the third time I have done so, and I have never been able to last more than eight hours. That was pre-FDS. That was before I started Why Men Love Bitches. When I was just now tempted to unblock him, I reminded myself that I haven’t even tried to go without him. Where does this feeling come from that I already don’t think I can go without him?

I’m going to go without him, y’all. Time to set my mind and heart free. This will look like: diss work beast mode, fixing my skin care regimen, cleaning my home, and loving on my cats. Most importantly, I’m going to recognize my pick me ways, but I’m going to forgive myself and live better.

Thank you to all of the FDS women who share their insight. I see a new beginning for myself. I would still be in a constant state of self doubt if I hadn't found this sub. I am posting this because it feels like a promise I am making to the community. I will not let us down.