My HVM father always told me that experiences can make you bitter or better, and I agree. YOU decide if you learn from a bad experience and YOU have the power to avoid making it again. Here’s how I process my cringey pick-me behavior from years ago:

(1) Get reminded of a time you debased yourself for a man’s approval or ignored a major red flag.

(2) Don’t fight it; experience the memory and remember how small, sad, and pathetic you felt when you prioritized a man’s opinion over your own dignity and happiness. Journal your thoughts if that works for you.

(3) Take a moment to be Captain Hindsight and list off your shoulda-woulda-coulda’s. Roll your eyes at your past self. Think of what you should’ve/would’ve/could’ve done differently.

(4) Accept that it is in the past and nothing can change that, but recognize that the future is entirely in your control.

(5) Forgive your past self for making mistakes. Be patient with your younger self, as she did not have the wisdom you possess now. We’ve been conditioned to accept abuse from men and there’s no shame in falling for society’s lies. There’s only shame in doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.

(6) Promise yourself that you’ll never make yourself feel that way again, and be proud of all the progress you’ve made. Celebrate how far you’ve come since then and how much stronger you’ve gotten. Pat yourself on the back for getting out of a shitty situation. Cringing at past behaviors means we’re learning, growing, and evolving- it’s unpleasant but it’s a good thing!

(7) Finally, and most important of all, SHARE your wisdom with your sisters. Help them avoid the mistakes you made. Exchange stories and strategies. Say something when you see a queen accepting shitty treatment. Be supportive when a woman in your life needs help breaking free. Uplift the women in your life and arm them with the knowledge that we don’t owe men anything! Preach the gospel of FDS and turn your negative experience into something positive and constructive!

If you learn from a mistake, then you’ve paid tuition for the school of life. If you don’t learn and repeat your mistake, then you’ve just wasted your time. It’s important to remember our experiences, but beating yourself up doesn’t help.

Every shitty man I’ve ever had the misfortune of interacting with taught me something that I added to my list of “red flags/absolutely nots.” Make a physical list if you need to! You can vet men more efficiently if you have a mental checklist that is constantly being updated. I knew I had found my HVM when he checked off every requirement and my constant vetting has yet to uncover any dealbreakers.

Edit: Reworded some things, added some more detail. Also wanted to add that I’m a very data-driven strategist and I love this sub because it’s a place where we can amass data, share experiences, and support each other fiercely. Keep your heads and standards high, queens!