Healing the Abandonment Wound

millennialpink2000 · 2021-11-16T20:28:30+00:00

Don't fight the pain, let it wash over you. You're doing the right things by working on your fitness, sleeping, eating right, keeping up your schoolwork etc. It sounds like the next step to help release you would be letting yourself get angry. You've acknowledged where you went wrong in the relationship so it's not like you're convinced you're perfect.

That sounds like healthy self-awareness. Did your ex have any? Prob not, right? That's a good starting place to let yourself take stock of his fuck ups. The lies, manipulation, gaslighting etc. That may not sound productive to ruminate on his actions, but it'll help adjust your perspective to realize you haven't missed anything. Be grateful he did this NOW instead of after you guys had gotten married and maybe even had your own kids. Imagine! Wheewwww you really dodged a bullet. Healing an abandonment wound takes lots of time and patience, and now you've got the opportunity to pour all that into yourself. Every mess has its place, and soon you'll be laughing at what a loser he is. Hope this helps a bit. We're rooting for you!

hikurangi2019 · 2021-11-16T20:35:21+00:00

The first thing you have to do is allow yourself to grieve. Sadness, anger, shame, whatever it is you’re feeling, just remember it all makes sense why you would feel that way. Someone took away something really important from you.

Allow yourself the whole week to let it all out, cry as much as you want, just remember to stay hydrated and eat regularly. Only talk to people you feel safe with, quite often people have the tendency to tell someone grieving to “just get over it” which is extremely unhelpful.

Once that one/two week time is up I want you to start doing something that’s motivating. Go for runs, starting going to the gym, something to get those endorphins pumping.

I guarantee you’ll feel better in a few weeks. Fuck that POS, you’ll forget he even existed in no time.

vforvendetta87 · 2021-11-16T21:57:08+00:00

Lady, are we the same person? I suffer from BPD so most of my romantic relationships were chaotic.

Out of the countless human-suffering literature I've read (still reading, LOL), one aspect that really stuck to me was, "It hurts because you cared." It means you're a healthy emotional person and incredibly self-aware which seems to be a talent today rather than inherent. We won't be able to take your pain away but I promise you, with each passing day you *will* get better. Do you know how I know? Because you're not alone.

Also, I could be wrong and don't want to add salt to your wound but someone who tells you one week you're their dream come true and then leave you for an ex the next week wasn't all-in to begin with. That sounds more like his intentions weren't pure and more along the lines of a rebound or placeholder. I'm not in any way discounting the harm/mistakes you've made in the relationship but have you given some thought that maybe his actions/behaviors/words swayed that?

apommom · 2021-11-16T20:32:59+00:00

Absolutely just take your time in therapy right now and don’t think about the future of dating. At this time it’s best to put yourself first and do as much healing as you need. I think it’s really important for you to build your confidence and self esteem right now, and it’s going to be a bit of a journey since it’s not something that happens overnight.

About this specific situation, you’re not going to ruminate forever, I promise. It’s a blessing that you didn’t marry this person, and even though you think he may have leveled up while he was with you, the truth is a LVM doesn’t level up and his decision to go back to his ex and leave you does not demonstrate integrity.

It’s ok to feel what you feel and to be gentle with yourself, don’t beat yourself up for having this experience. You’re in therapy, you have this safe space and the handbook, and you’ll build yourself up to a higher level than ever before. It will happen. It really does take time, so have patience, it’s the only way. I promise in a few months if you keep up your self care regimen you won’t even believe how far you’ve come.

Trojaneer_South · 2021-11-16T23:46:31+00:00

I think your self awareness and the actions you've already taken have you on a great path to healing. I know you know time will help so here's my extra pep talk talking points lol:

Each day that passes is a day without him yoyoing you around with his hot/cold bullshit.

You seem to think he's a "better" man than before, but I doubt that's the case. Other scenarios to consider: ex needs help with the kids and he's the lowest hanging fruit; there were boundaries he couldn't cross with you but wanted to and knows he can push them with his ex. These are of course speculative but I find them more likely than the fairy tale you probably wrote for them in your head, e.g.:

Guy leaves kids / gets dumped by woman who would prefer to be a single mom than be with him
Guy actively introspects/improves while in a relationship with a new woman who tolerates him as-is (ie he'd have little incentive to change in any transformative way while with you)
Ex is impressed that he made all the right changes and is convinced they can have a healthy relationship now

Think of yourself as a bomb ass cake or other baked good in the making -- you can have all the ingredients and that's great and all but you still gotta do your time in the oven. The baking is your healing in my overwrought metaphor.

Catz10000 · 2021-11-16T23:09:24+00:00

Sit with it. Relish your humanity. Trust that better things are waiting for you. Hugs.

JadeBaby2211 · 2021-11-17T02:01:49+00:00

I'm finding that myofascial release is a great addition to the therapy im doing. It's been very valuable in processing my breakup, because I'm able to more fully grieve and soothe my nervous system so that I can protect myself better in the future. If you can't find something like that in your area, massages with a trusted MFT and some yoga will do the trick.

I'm concerned that you're giving him excuses because of your supposed bad behavior. When we experience trauma, the most basic, innocent self confidence can be labeled as "bad." Also you could have screamed obscenities at him but your actions do not give him a free pass to hurt you.

In my previous relationship I honestly reacted so calmly (too calmly lol) to his weird manipulations and he still mentally abused me and rejected me so I assure you, your lack of "bad behavior" would have never changed his actions. We like to think that we can dp the right thing and receive love, but it doesn't work like that. The vast majority of people are awful at giving love, so it's best to shower yourself with love and protect yourself.

illegitjap · 2021-11-17T09:59:36+00:00

Hey, this sounds like it hurts so much and I’m sorry you’re feeling those awful things. I was wondering how long it’s been? It can take way longer than expected/reasonable to let go of some of those feels… but when dealing with some large deep issues giving yourself that patience, acceptance and detachment is also where true change, healing, and growth can take place. That said I feel like I’m moving at a snails pace 😅

I don’t know you obvs so this might not be up your alley, but what I did to help myself out of it was to quit my job, moved back to where I was before I moved across a country to be with him, started a company, and built a business, opened 7 months ago. It’s already earning me 6 figures not including paying my employee. I’m not saying starting a business will solve everything, it’s more like jumping in doing that unknown thing in life I was scared to do. It’s given me a challenge, freedom, self esteem, self respect, determination, confidence, etc. and definitely given me a path out of where I was. I was also doing all the other self care stuff but it just wasn’t enough when you feel like a shot went through your heart.

Also the Headspace app was doing a little promo so I signed up and did the “healing after a breakup” course. It helped. Then I did the Self Esteem one. And I’m now doing the break up one again… lol 🐌🐌🐌

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MissouriBlue · 2021-11-17T09:03:36+00:00

Read up on Cognitive Dissonance and the Trauma Bond… I think you may be struggling with one or both of those.

Title	Healing the Abandonment Wound
Author	iggypiggyfiggy
Upvotes	155
Comments	29
Date	November 16, 2021 8:00 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qvgmwv/healing_the_abandonment_wound/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/healing-the-abandonment-wound.1083753 https://theredarchive.com/post/1083753

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