How can I date older men while still maintaining my power?

Pengtingcalledme · 2020-08-22T11:51:30+00:00

You can't maintain power with older men, that's why they picked you

sewingmachinesavior · 2020-08-22T12:09:42+00:00

You are 23, your brain is still growing and developing. You are still settling in to “who you are”. Age gaps CREATE power imbalance in a relationship. I think + 5 years is at the high end of what a person in their 20s should consider.

Men 10+ years older than you are, almost always seeking to exploit your youth and vulnerability.

Suspicious_Trick · 2020-08-22T12:12:27+00:00

If you aren’t attracted to men your age, wait until you are older to date. Seriously it’s not worth it, you will not be missing out on anything. You state that you are susceptible to abuse, so if you seek out these relationships you’re setting yourself up for failure.

Just focus on yourself, your health, skills, goals, and interests for the next 5 years until you are strong and developed enough that it will be nearly impossible to take advantage of or trick you. Also your life would benefit immeasurably from this. It is sooooo much rewarding than any romantic relationship ever will be. And you’re still so young! If I could go back to 23, I swear this is what I would do. Instead I wasted 6 years with a NVM addict who sexualized my child abuse and was an emotional vampire. You are worth so much more than what bad men can (and WILL) do to you, if given the chance.

eveninghope · 2020-08-22T12:08:26+00:00

Just stop giving in to things. Learn to say no or do something by yourself if they aren't interested. Start small and you'll get used to it. Don't like a restaurant he suggests? Say you don't wanna go. Wanna see a movie he doesn't? Go alone or with some friends.

Tbh I don't know that dating a guy who's 10ish years older than you is going to tolerate this, but fuck him. I've noticed that guys who are that much older than me are going to disrespect me every step of the way.

Also, when I was in my early 20s, I only really dated guys in their mid-late 20s, now that I'm in my mid 30s, I still prefer guys in their mid-late 20s but YMMV.

sstena · 2020-08-22T12:49:19+00:00

I agree with the other comments so I don't have anything to add on those points. I do want to offer this:

You said "it was their way or the high way", so vet your men in terms of whether they listen to you or not. Say where you want to go and the activities you'd like to do. Let him pick from the options you mention, let him know he makes you happy (by doing what you wanted to do and listening to your needs, but you don't spell this out).

If on the first dates the guy shows you he doesn't listen and decides for you, then send him to the highway, don't wait to be dumped.

You can't maintain "power over a man", you can maintain your freedom from him and independence (which as a side effect bewitches some men). Voice your desires and opinions, keep your life (friends, hobbies) sepparate from him, and only proceed with men who seamlessly fit into the gaps you have for him.

Accept the possibility of being alone for a long time while you ruthlessly vet. Go to r/ breakingmom if you ever grow soft and lower the bar, to see what kind of future a high bar and high standards are protecting you from.

Best of luck!

just-peepin-at-u · 2020-08-22T13:46:43+00:00

I have something horrible to tell you. As someone who dated older men when I was younger, and now cringe when looking back...the guys dating you don’t have their “shit together” either. My ex seemed more together than he was just because I didn’t know any better. We have been broken up for thirteen years now, btw, and I am still a few years younger than he was when I was dating him. I can now see he was a loser.

People make the choice to grow and change. If he is twenty-five and acting right, that has been his decision. If he is thirty-five and acting stupid, also his decision. Yes, we grow with age, which js why big age gaps are problematic. However, as far as getting it together, that is something you can see from people early on or not. It is just easier for an older guy to hide his idiocy from a younger woman.

peanutbuttatwix · 2020-08-22T12:10:16+00:00

Don't move in with him. The same FDS rules apply. If you can't afford to live on your own then that would indicate you need to get your act together too.

daisy_0720 · 2020-08-22T13:56:04+00:00

The sad reality is that no HV man in his late twenties or thirties is going to pick a woman nearly a decade younger than him to settle down with. All you're going to attract are the Peter Pans, emotionally unavailable commitment phobes, shallow fuckboys who will target you for your youth, or abusers. Decent men in the age bracket you are looking at will have no interest in a partner who is at such a different stage of her life/maturity level in comparison to their own. This isn't me being condescending, this is just a reality.

You are so young. You have all of your twenties to travel, explore, focus on your career, buy your first home, gain new hobbies and interests, make friends. Why are you so desperate to be married already? You should have all these things before you have a partner. At least then if things don't work out, you have your own identity, friends, financial assets and passions that are entirely yours. Trust me when I say you will be a completely different person in your thirties compared to who you are now.

Also, this '23 year olds are immature' sounds like a narrative you have told yourself. The men I dated in their twenties were MUCH more respectful, mature and responsible than the guys in their thirties who were 5-7 years older than me. The two worst relationships I had were with men who were 7 years older than me. They were AWFUL. There's a reason we say date in your age range on FDS. The women here know what they're talking about. We've lived it.

Additionally, the fact that you say you are 'susceptible to abuse' suggests that you shouldn't even be thinking about dating AT ALL at the moment and there are other issues that need to be addressed here.

2020-08-22T14:05:51+00:00

Don’t date a guy more than 3-5 years older.

Guys that are older and wanting to date younger aren’t more serious or more interested in marriage. They do it cause they know a younger woman wont ask so many questions about where the relationship is going, etc. and she won’t be able to detect that he’s single for a reason until months or years in

monkeyhater890 · 2020-08-22T12:44:31+00:00

I’m similar to you, have always dated older men but only because I’m not Super attracted to men my own age. I do have to say that age doesn’t exactly guarantee a desire to settle down either. This is what I’ve learnt.

The best I can do to maintain my power is to treat them like how I treat guys I’m not attracted to. And I reciprocate only when I see that they did put in effort.

OrchidLion · 2020-08-22T15:04:21+00:00

Don't date til your prefrontal cortex has fully developed (around 25 or 26).

Lovelywings2 · 2020-08-22T15:12:21+00:00

You keep mentioning that you’ve lived in different countries and got multiple degrees. Do you live in a major city? Because there are plenty of women like you in their early twenties. I’m an immigrant who by 25 had lived in three countries and was working on my masters. Many of my friends (also immigrants) had had similar or even more harsh life experience. In America, especially, plenty of Black and Latino women grow up in poor neighborhoods, hustle and graduate from Ivy leagues and have all kinds of amazing experiences, including starting companies, giving TED talks and publishing books.

That doesn’t make them ready for marriage at 23 and it doesn’t make them the exception to any rules. They still date men around their own age or at most a few years older. I think your perception is a bit skewed as you keep insisting your age and things you’ve done make you the exception to guidelines that are battle tested

daisy_0720 · 2020-08-22T15:14:36+00:00

As I suspected, this goes deeper than simply wanting to find a partner. A man is not going to be the magic bullet that solves all your problems. Read that again. Believe me when I say that the loneliness you feel now is NOTHING compared to the loneliness of being in relationship where you are emotionally unfulfilled. When the man lying beside you feels like a complete stranger. When you are desperately hoping he'll say he loves you but he never does. It is a hell of a kind that I never once experienced being single. If you seek a relationship out of loneliness, you will either settle because you're sick of being single, or you'll be a blaring neon sign to predators and abusers.

It sounds like what you need is friends. Warm, empathetic, dependable female friends. At 23, you are so lucky, because there are tons of single women your age, which means they won't all be coupled up. They'll have loads of time to go out, take vacations with you, have girly lunches and shopping trips, etc. Female friendships have fulfilled me emotionally more than any man I have ever been involved with. They are good listeners, empathetic, open, generous (unconditionally!), interesting, easy to talk to and love going out and doing things (unlike a boyfriend who will stop taking you out anywhere after four months).

You say you have money. Join a fitness class. Go to a group that has a hobby you love. Find out if there are any cultural/social events going on in your town/city. Get chatting to a woman next to you on the train or in front of you at the checkout in the grocery store.

Your problem isn't that your single. It's that you're lonely. A boyfriend isn't going to be the bandaid that will make everything better. It sounds like a cliche, but do not date if you are not emotionally in a good place. Get your emotional baggage sorted. Go to therapy if need be. If you feel like you need to date, you should not be dating. You should be addressing the deeper issue of why it is that a husband is so vitally important to you at the ripe old age of 23.

You are getting a lot of good advice from posters here. Please listen to them.

Hi_Panda · 2020-08-22T14:52:03+00:00

based from OP's response and the words used, I think this is a troll post and OP is a dude.

heythere360 · 2020-08-22T14:55:22+00:00

I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with dating a man 5 years older than you, but you have to vet twice as hard and make sure they’re legit head over heels for you. This takes more than a year to determine (for all men).

I was almost surprised to hear you were having trouble finding an older guy to stick around. According to them, early twenties women are their life long obsession (careful about dating too old, a lot of these men are ONLY attracted to your youth, and will replace you when you age out).

Problem is you’re not just young, you’re smart and successful. LVM that are significantly older do not obsess over young women who are financially stable. The obsess over young women who are unsteady and need a savior.

We grew up thinking men would appreciate our accomplishments but I bet you the men who leave you and are not flexible left you find a young woman who is struggling, who won’t call them out on their bullshit and will be utterly impressed by a dinner at The Cheesecake Factory much less somewhere fancy.

If you’re young you may be good enough to sleep with but if you’re deemed to be too independent and street wise they will leave you because they know they’re low value and that you’ll see through their shit just like the women their own age.

Welcome to the struggles of a successful independent woman. It’s not just youth that’s attractive to men, it’s naïveté and vulnerability. That’s why they all want 18 year old virgins. Not to love and cherish them but to be the first ones to use them and abuse them.

By all means date an older guy but understand low value is low value no matter the age. Unless you feel like playing dumb for some old scrotes power trip, prepare to vet ruthlessly because HVM are hard to come by at any age.

Sekina7 · 2020-08-22T14:50:52+00:00

Your youth and beauty is your power sis ( as far as courting goes not as a woman in general) , start watching Shera Seven,on You Tube, read The New Rules and Why Men Love Bitches and the Art of Seduction ASAP. I'd also reccomend having your fun up till 25 at least-I prefer older me too but it should only be for women who are at the TOP of their mental game and at your age I'd say no older than 10 years. They KNOW you have the power and leverage to replace them in an instant but most will prey on your naivety and try to use it to their advantage to take all they can get. GET SCHOOLED UP as you are at the HEIGHT of your feminine leverage (as far as men go) .

Title	How can I date older men while still maintaining my power?
Author	SnooDucks4347
Upvotes	3
Comments	41
Date	August 22, 2020 11:29 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/iegv3f/how_can_i_date_older_men_while_still_maintaining/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-can-i-date-older-men-while-still-maintaining.169840 https://theredarchive.com/post/169840

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