How can you tell the difference between normal healthy interest and love-bombing?

DelicateDream · 2020-04-05T20:54:11+00:00

Anything pushy* or becoming annoyed if you don’t gush back. Levels of emotion expressed that don’t match the actual level of emotional intimacy or trying to push for emotional intimacy before you even know factual info (they want to create attachment before you discover dealbreakers).

*Example - It’s not flattering if he wants to be exclusive after a date or a few even. It usually signals insecurity and he wants to remove competition so you put up with the crap he’s about to introduce.

helena939392 · 2020-04-05T19:49:45+00:00

My ex, who had severe narcissistic traits and was a definition of a NVM, was a love bomber in the beginning. What I noticed was that when I asked him to respect my boundaries and take it down a step, he would scold me for not trusting him immediately and not appreciating his hard work because "he respects women and is not like some others." So he would not respect me saying no and pushed me into committing with him. Very soon after that he got caught from cheating and that was the first time in his rather long list of cheatings.

PrincessLeiLei · 2020-04-05T22:51:48+00:00

Normal men will play it cool the first few dates, they would be extremely excited but show appropriate interest for fear of being a little creepy. Narcs will definitely not play it cool xD This only counts at the beginning stages of dating, first month or so. After that some of the love-bombing things could be more normal.

Normal interest: Texting shortly after the first date, keeping up regular contact, plan dates every week maybe twice a week, light flirting over text, a few kisses during dates maybe a little bit of holding hands.

Love-bombing: Texting all day and having long, 'deep' phone calls, heavy flirting with a sexual tone over text, lots of emoji's, saying you are the most beautiful/amazing/special person ever or that you are 'the one', wants to see you daily, a lot of PDA.

2020-04-05T22:11:15+00:00

I feel like over promising is a big one. Beware of those who make promises that sound grand (ex: “Ill take you to 5* hotels and buy you ANYTHING you want on the vacation next month). It may be normal for a man to treat you to some shopping eventually or take you on a grand vacation. BUT definitely not in the first stages. This is my personal opinion tho.

Kindly_Strain · 2020-04-05T21:09:22+00:00

If he's a good talker If he expects you to reciprocate his over the top declarations of undying love If he expects 24/7 contact and constant dates That shit escalates before you know it, you might be moving in, finding yourself needing something you left at his place, sharing cigarettes, putting up with HIS schedule. My ex got emotionally abusive and then physically so

ALISHAISHERE123 · 2020-04-06T01:42:37+00:00

My thing is noticing whether they're consistent or not. When i was a teen just about every guy would seemingly 'love bomb' their gfs.Some of them are now happily married and the behaviour hasn’t changed much.I think its a narc love bombing you if you see him suddenly waning once he realises that he got you, or he uses the ' love bombing' as reward or punishment.If he suddenly slacks on or ruins a special event like bday, vday,Christmas, it was never genuine.A normal healthy man wont just stop doing these things when its no longer convenient or useful for him. He doesnt ignore responsibilitie/expectations he set up to meet when things dont go his way,or when he thinks he's already getting his way so theres no need to pretend do what he was doing. Most narcs reveal themselves with time.Just look for consistency (specially when its inconvenient for him or he has little incentive to please you ) and dont get into big commitments too soon.

sadcello · 2020-04-06T03:55:40+00:00

Pretend to lower your guard down, let him believe you love him so much back too. If it's real his love to you will intensify or at least remain the same, if he changes, he's a love bomber.

ny-lady · 2020-04-06T03:13:50+00:00

Its the pushy fast types or more over the top over it naturally happening. For me personally i just feel it in my gut. A radar goes off.

Any man I ever had a committed relationship with, it naturally flowed, I didn't doubt it, it didn't make me question it, etc. Doubt, off feelings, etc was a man I never went on a date/got past some dating, it felt off for a reason even if I couldn't put my finger on it. Sometimes the red flag beamed in my face.

Gut feelings are there for a reason. If you have to question it in anyway, there is a reason.

ninetiesbaby16 · 2020-04-06T04:49:06+00:00

I’ve experienced men attempting to love bomb me three times. I think the biggest tell was my own emotional response, I wouldn’t be able to put my finger on what was wrong but I would feel an intense euphoria in a bad way. It was like an anxious euphoria where I would be wound so tight because I was subconsciously expecting the other shoe to drop, I wouldn’t be able to just relax or even sleep. Partly because I felt I had to live up to his expectations, like once he finds out I’m human with human flaws he’ll become disillusioned and abandon me.

Another big tell is when you tell them your flaws or vulnerabilities as a way to get them to manage their expectations of you, they seem to double down and get excited and kind of gleeful. They frame it as “oh that’s not a big deal or a flaw, in fact that makes me like you even more”. So you feel like you’ve finally found someone that will accept even your worst imperfections. But in fact they’re excited because they now know your insecurities and have a huge weapon to manipulate and break you, it’s kind of like duper’s glee. Like you’ll unwisely reveal something dark or sad that happened to you and they’ll try to be sympathetic and appear to empathise but they’ll be smiling when they should be looking serious.

Also they’ll try to make you feel guilty for not reciprocating or being on the same page emotionally so there’s this constant undercurrent of pressure. They’ll also try to make you feel like they’re the only person that is capable of loving you, that you’re so broken because of your flaws that you revealed to them that they’re the only person that will put up with it and heal you.

TempDetect · 2020-04-05T21:43:20+00:00

Lying/lots of talking:

- Talking about what would happen if we got married (very early)

- Talking about his plans to invite you somewhere social

- Offering to bring something to you.

Oh sure, some things materialize, but just enough to keep you hopeful.

jalapenopancakes · 2020-04-05T21:36:00+00:00

Assert boundaries. Have some plans a few times that you made and you can’t make it to whatever date/event he has going on.

If he loses his mind, love bombing. Business as usual? Healthy interest.

thesunandthem00n_ · 2020-04-05T22:09:03+00:00

Here’s what my narc did early in the relationship.

When he talks about ex relationships he never actually admitted to doing any wrong. They tend to say things like “I’ve never found a girl who didn’t treat me like shit” or if he calls them “crazy”
Smooth talker. When he talks your infatuated and hooked on every word
Likes to be in control. Very subtle at first. Like wanting you to look/dress a certain way, or doesn’t want you wearing makeup.
Very early on they use the words “soulmate” “I love you” “meant to be”
wanted constant interaction. I’ve noticed most people who’ve been in relationship with narcs move in extremely early.
He made subtle misogynist comments
Everything in excess, gifts, giving money, rides, etc.

Those are just a few things. Everything they do is in excess. It’s literally like a bomb.

But this is my experience and things I’ve observed in my own relationship . The thing with narcs is that there are soo many subcategories

ghygdryhchmmmmjj · 2020-04-06T04:46:01+00:00

Over the type soap opera level acting. Seriously. If you ever feel that you're "playing a part" to MATCH thier fake intensity, or that the person is being very cliche and over the top ... maybe you're flattered but your embarrassed for them and you feel it. And this is important , it's not because the EFFORT is over the top, its the cheesy acting that goes along with it. If a man is over the top with effort, but isn't doing it for a fake audience so to speak he might just really like you. Watch actions rather than listen to flowery words. If they say "I love you" very early. Ask them what they mean by that and what differences something so momentous should have on the nature of the relationship. The L word is a HUGE deal and carries lots of unspoken connotations. Some men know the power of this, and that they can just throw the word out there and you will believe it. They are counting on you to believe the word Love without them showing you with their actions. If it seems unnaturaly soon to say the L word, it's ok to ask "exactly what they mean by saying it" and if it means anything should change in your relationship. If they're very wishy washy or try to back pedal or take it back, they dont even know what the word means.

Gr8shpr · 2020-05-17T13:58:46+00:00

I found myself liking some things he did which were (probably?) meant to be abusive. Now I am starting to wonder.

Title	How can you tell the difference between normal healthy interest and love-bombing?
Author	venomoth91
Upvotes	67
Comments	23
Date	April 5, 2020 7:29 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fvjo62/how_can_you_tell_the_difference_between_normal/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-can-you-tell-the-difference-between-normal.678924 https://theredarchive.com/post/678924

Comments