How does dating multiple people work?

QQueenie · 2020-12-11T15:51:40+00:00

- Do I tell the man I'm dating that I'm accepting dates from other people? (e.g. telling them on the first date that this doesn't mean that we're exclusive just yet)

No, unless you have explicitly discussed exclusivity, nobody should be assuming exclusivity.

- Round about, how many dates later should I expect exclusivity?

You should not expect exclusivity until it is explicitly discussed and mutually agreed to.

- Is it fair to get mad at the man I'm dating and kissing other girls during this time too?

You are allowed to have whatever reaction you want to have. If you are not exclusive, any man you are seeing is not violating any terms of your relationship by being with other women, but it may feel icky on some level and if you want to end things with a guy because he pursued other women instead of focusing on you, you're allowed to do that.

- Is it okay that I'm kissing multiple people?!? I just feel so guilty :(

This post sounds like you are trying to talk yourself into dating multiple people. Why? If you feel more comfortable dating one man at a time, and asking that man to only date you while you both figure out if you'd like to pursue a relationship, you are allowed to require that. You can set whatever terms you want and are comfortable with.

vmuzondi · 2020-12-11T15:56:20+00:00

I’ve personally always been okay with dating multiple people because the men I’m dating don’t own me. Most of them are trying to get in my pants anyway so I don’t devote all my time and attention into them until they’ve shown me that I’m more than just a girl they’re seeing.

Don’t tell them you’re seeing other people. They should assume that from the get go because you were a person before you met. Imagine going on a date with a man from OLD and cutting off every other man before getting to know who he truly is. Just remember that man is a stranger and you don’t know him.

For all you know, he could be planning to use you, murder you, assault you, or more. Put yourself first. I don’t know about the kissing thing because I personally don’t take kissing that seriously but just stop feeling guilty when are majority of men date multiple people when given the chance anyway.

Also if a man is begging for exclusivity from the first date drop him. He’s either deeply insecure, a narc, or an abuser. Healthy, confident men are okay with competition. They’ll back off if they realize you’re not interested rather forcing you into a corner and making you see them as the only viable option.

ASeaOfQuotes · 2020-12-11T15:56:29+00:00

Keep in mind that a lot of the focus of dating multiple people, which is pushed in the Handbook, is about not committing yourself to 1 man before he’s committed himself to you. Men serial date constantly, sleep with multiple women, etc. You don’t have to date more than one man if you don’t want to, but the fact that you feel guilty indicates you’re already far too invested in the men you’re seeing. You need dissect that feeling and work on untangling yourself from the idea of serial monogamy without exclusivity. You can onboard multiple men without going out with them if that doesn’t work for you but that means vetting much more critically and quickly (which you should be doing anyway).

super_thinker_ · 2020-12-11T16:33:14+00:00

Yes it is fair to feel hurt and upset that he is kissing other women.

Men are only as faithful as their options.

High value men see their girlfriend/fiance/wife as the best and only "option" - they are able to actively and consistently choose love.

LVM on the other hand will take any option they can get and will dump one option to pursue the next "shinier" option.

LVM are stuck in a grass is always greener mindset.

HVM know that the grass is always greener where you water it.

brainsandb00bs · 2020-12-11T15:31:46+00:00

It’s none of their business until they directly ask you. If they do, calmly tell them that he hasn’t offered you commitment yet so he has no reason to expect it out of you and then change the subject. Don’t make a big deal out of it
If a man really likes you he should be expressing that kind of interest and intentions early on, if you aren’t sure how he feels about you after 3 dates then drop him. Exclusivity is on your terms not theirs, you can expect it and take it when it’s right for you. If they want to be exclusive by three dates or three weeks and you aren’t sure then don’t do it. If he likes you he will be patient in winning you over
No it’s not fair. But if you’re playing your cards right on your dates he shouldn’t have enough money left over to be pursuing other women to begin with.
It’s nobody’s business but yours. If you wanna kiss them then do it but if you want to place a boundary of no kissing that’s fine too. A HVM won’t try to push your boundaries either way.

honeybeeroll · 2020-12-11T17:23:10+00:00

The advice on this post is great, so won't say more of the same, but I will add - you said you feel guilty at the idea of kissing another guy. Please examine why you feel guilty. Is it because you're afraid to hurt the guy youre seeing that you like best? If so, stop caring about him like that, you don't even know him,. He likely isn't worrying about you like that. If it's because you feel weird kissing multiple guys around the same time, I totally get that, so my advice would be to hold back on that until a guy asks you to be his gf. Then you know it's exclusive and don't have to worry about who else he's with.

FDS advises dating multiple guys are once as a reminder that you have many options, so do not get too attached to one guy early on, before you really know him. However, if you don't like dating multiple people for various reasons (personally for me, it was so rare to meet a guy who was both attractive enough and interesting enough on the surface to go on a date, that I just never came across more than 1 at once lol), you don't have to. But you have to ensure you are doing other things to not get quickly attached to the one guy you've decided to date. Having a fun life that keeps you busy is one way. For example, a friend of mine, in the early weeks/ months of dating her now husband, I don't think she was seeing anyone else. But she has a demanding job, lots of family, friends, LOTS of things to do. She was so busy she did not have time to be worried about him or the relationship. This relationship was stable and healthy from the beginning, a marked difference to her past serious relationships, when she was younger, didn't have such a career, and she'd worry about how much the guy liked her. These past relationships were often turbulent. Of course her husband was light-years better than any of the other guys, but she was also different, and better equipped for the relationship.

I would say figure out what you're comfortable with and don't worry about the guy in the early stages. And keep your life busy enough so that you don't get too attached to him too fast.

asteria2002 · 2020-12-11T17:59:02+00:00

I would say don't kiss or sleep with a man you aren't in a relationship with. Simply because men who want to sleep or already do sexual stuff are ones who see you as a free prostitutee to use and discard. Always make sure the man you will kiss is a man who respects you and doesn't think of you as a free prostitutee to use and discard. How do you do that by vetting him for 6 months and if he is really into you he won't leave and he will keep paying for your dates and gifts ect. But if he was a man who only wanted sex he will leave. But make sure that he really wants to be exclusive with you, don't go in situation ship. And only when you are in a committed relationship with him, you can trust him.

NaturalSiren · 2020-12-11T16:46:00+00:00

- Do I tell the man I'm dating that I'm accepting dates from other people? (e.g. telling them on the first date that this doesn't mean that we're exclusive just yet)

You don't say anything, you keep that to yourself until they ask to be exclusive. Then at that point, they may ask if you were seeing anyone else too. I admitted it. Gave him a nice spook ;)

- Round about, how many dates later should I expect exclusivity?

Keep the cookie in the jar for now, wait around 2-3 months. Too soon and it might be lovebombing or an insecure incel guy trying to not compete with the rest. I would say wait that long to see who they really are after their representative mask falls off.

- Is it fair to get mad at the man I'm dating and kissing other girls during this time too?

No! He's single, you are single too. The goal is to get him in his LoGiCaL male mind to make the decision you are the main girl for him. That is why you wait for him to bring up exclusivity. You keep being your diva self, do not seem desperate.

- Is it okay that I'm kissing multiple people?!? I just feel so guilty :(

You dont have to do anything you dont want to do. If kissing is your physical limit, that is fine. It is perfectly ok. However, make it because that is what you feel in your heart, and not because a guy will hold it against you or would not like you because you did that.

LaptopBatteryLow · 2020-12-11T17:26:19+00:00

I never felt comfortable going on dates with multiple people. Chatting, talking on OLD etc is different, but if I was more excited to go on a new in person date than to see someone again after a few dates, thats a sign to break it off. And he should be feeling the same.

I would expect that if you are going on multiple dates (like past 3 dates) with someone he isn't also hooking up someone else during that time. On his side I think after a few dates he should express some sort of desire to see you more, (not demand exclusivity), but make it clear he's making you a priority. Personally, I wouldn't date someone who is still actively dating other women at this point.

On the other hand, after date 1, no don't stop talking to others and cancel and stop accepting dates. I would say, let the other conversations be on the back burner and fizzle as you go on more dates, or pick back up if you don't.

Personally, I don't get attached easily, and I think if you are constantly thinking about multiple date options there just isn't room for feelings to develop. It's okay to have a primary person you're excited about.

daisyinflux · 2020-12-11T19:39:52+00:00

Men don’t even communicate this stuff to us, so why do you need to? If he’s not confirming exclusivity, you aren’t exclusive. He can act all betrayed if he learns otherwise, but that’s just gonna’ show you he’s an entitled LVM who thought it was okay to set relationship standards for the both of you on his own.

Only kiss who you want to kiss. Date. Have fun. Enjoy the ride.

WildTenderness · 2020-12-11T19:03:04+00:00

I think back in the handbook it talked about how exclusivity should be asked for around 6 weeks (by him ofc). Give or take a week... But remember that exclusivity doesn't bind you to them and you can still wait being starting to get intimate. The only implication is that you'll stop dating other people.

Title	How does dating multiple people work?
Author	im_not_a_panda_
Upvotes	83
Comments	39
Date	December 11, 2020 3:22 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/kb4r0z/how_does_dating_multiple_people_work/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-does-dating-multiple-people-work.736126 https://theredarchive.com/post/736126

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