How much will having a low value father affect your chances with a high value man?

hikurangi2019 · 2021-09-20T01:15:46+00:00

The two men that I dated who treated me with respect both had respectable fathers. Their fathers didn’t abuse/ emotionally neglect them or mistreat their mothers. Interestingly enough all their brothers are the same, they’re all in stable long term relationships.

However men from dysfunctional families (myself included) seem to really resemble their childhood dysfunction. Unhealthy communication patterns, emotional withdrawal, aggression…

Both my therapist and FDS recognises you can’t change how others treat you, the only power you have is to distance yourself from those people that treat you poorly and only surround yourself with people that treat you the same way you treat them.

I still feel guilty about cutting out my parents once in a while but as my ex therapist used to tell me. When you experience guilt, justified or otherwise and you don’t want to amend that relationship to stop the guilt, the most effective strategy is to “opposite action” and push those thoughts away.

Typical_Candle_5627 · 2021-09-20T01:26:53+00:00

omg i worry about this all the time. ALL the time

sruslywhytho · 2021-09-20T02:39:14+00:00

So it seriously just depends on how you choose to carry yourself and how you talk about it. If your dad was trash and you tell a guy that too early on he’ll take it as a sign that you don’t trust men and therefore are not likely to trust him.

If you talk about your dad in the beginning of getting to know someone do so in a neutral way until you feel confident that he isn’t a predator.

A HV man will try to make up for you having a LV dad and will go out of his way to make you feel secure. A LV man will see it as a weakness and treat you worse because of it. And that says more about who he is as a person than it does about you.

Constant-Wanderer · 2021-09-20T04:42:06+00:00

I don’t talk to my father much, he’s pretty pointless in general, and neither of us make the effort to talk.

My HVM asked about him when we started dating and were in the “childhood stories/getting to know you” phase, and I told him that we basically didn’t talk. He wanted to know why, because he misses his dad a lot.

I gave him a rundown of how absent my father’s been my whole life. I know this hurt my SO to hear. As a father, he can’t imagine not caring about his daughter. As a son who missed out on a lot of time with his dad, he can’t imagine wanting to at least try to make the relationship better before it’s too late.

But as my partner, his final answer was that he didn’t think he had any interest in meeting a man who thought so little of me.

So there you go, that’s the thing to look for in HVM - they don’t look to other men for how to act, or approval of their choices. All that matters to them is your opinion and their own.

IndigoTR · 2021-09-20T03:10:09+00:00

This is gonna be a long response so sorry in advance haha, but I have thought about this a lot myself! I don’t think HVM are turned off by women with LV fathers, unless of course there is some severe acting out/attachment issues going on. I don’t think any man worth his salt would say “oh ew, she was born to abusive/toxic people (even though she had no choice in that matter) and suffered emotional neglect and manipulation. No way am I interested in pursuing this!”

I think a true HVM would see you in therapy, growing as a person, and striving to heal from your past and your trauma, and see it as admirable. I imagine an HVM saying something along the lines of “I’m so proud of you, look at all that shit you overcame. Look at what a strong woman and amazing partner you are despite it all. Look at how differently you turned out from your shitty parents.”

I think a lot of the time what we see as HVM potentially being turned off from us (speaking as a ACoN myself) is either a.) thinking we don’t deserve HV treatment (this could be subconscious or conscious self-talk) b.) not even knowing what HV behavior in men looks like because it was never modeled for us or c.) In my case I know up until my mid 20s I found HVM boring. I felt like I couldn’t relate to someone who didn’t have a similar shitty background to mine. I think internally this was me shielding myself from what I thought was judgement of my sadness/trauma/pain. A lot of people don’t get that, especially if they were lucky enough to be raised in a loving household with respectful, HV fathers. And honestly some people have judged me and looked at me like I was crazy because I was honest about my upbringing and how it effected me. But ultimately that’s not someone I would be compatible with (be it in friendships or relationships).

I think the difference between men and women is that women on average we want to be better, we actively pursue growth and healing. Men tend to slip more easily into repeating patterns of abuse, self-medicating, becoming Peter Pan and blaming everyone and everything for their behavior instead of seeking help/healing/growth. Of course there are female narcs, sociopaths, manipulators, etc who act this way as well but in my experience they are far fewer. So when on FDS people advise us to avoid men who grew up in unhealthy dynamics with shitty fathers or clingy, emotionally incestuous mothers - that’s why (I am sure there are some HVM who come from very shitty and emotionally traumatic backgrounds but again, I think they are extremely rare). So basically I wouldn’t project the way LVM from negative/turbulent upbringings are discussed on here onto how HVM would see you. Maybe that’s hypocritical but that’s what my experience* shows me.

*Also in case there are any male lurkers, research (your beloved science) also shows that women are far more likely to seek help and be medicated for mental/emotional health issues even though both men and women report these issues at similar rates.

imarriedmybookshelf · 2021-09-20T02:07:52+00:00

I dont have anyone so im def not in the LVM dad HVM SO category but i can shed a bit of light on this kind of cause and effect thing.

My dad was a provider. Like for the first few years of my life up to the day we found out about his infidelity we lived a life of plenty. I could have any dollhouse or barbie doll or pet fish i wanted and it would be there. But he was emotionally absent. And he cheated on my mom. But we sort of glossed over it as long as there was money and comfort. So i grew up eventually with the notion that i didnt need emotional care or affection. All a man needed to do was provide for me, hence why i had a brief phase of fantasizing to be a sugar baby because it didnt involve hefty emotional investment. Just things just money. And sex.

Eventually i ended up looking for partners who were rich boys but mistreated me. not physical abuse more like, they could splurge on gifts and dinners but they never asked about my feelings or if i tried to share they wouldnt respond or would dismiss it as u cray cray. And whenever someone who has HV traits in all aspects tries to court me i instantly shut off since the emotional closeness was too much for me to handle.

So yeah long story short it did affect mine. Im not sure for others, but it really did affect me and my decisions in a way.

chronosxci · 2021-09-20T04:32:52+00:00

My father was a negative value man (abusive to wife and kids) and now I have severe trouble building healthy relationships. Welp.

Jamiepappasatlanta · 2021-09-20T02:47:56+00:00

Yes don’t tell me you date about how bad your LVM father. They will use it against you and not respect you.

candyfox84 · 2021-09-20T03:22:39+00:00

It’s hard but I just try to remember this, you are not your family. Even the best family in the world can only take you so far, basically as far as it takes for you to be self sufficient. From there it’s on you. Every family has some type of dysfunction anyway, imo. I think as long as you’re aware of the patterns and how they affect you, you will rise above it. I grew up with a lot of abuse and manipulation, so I understand your pain. I think it took me a little longer to mature into the person I wanted to be, I definitely had some extra hurdles. But I feel like I got there eventually and I’m stronger and more compassionate because of it.

dancedancedance7 · 2021-09-20T07:06:11+00:00

You aren't your dad, and he doesn't determine your fate. Taking away the dad title for a moment, he's just a random dude with his own problems. The Queen of England has no power over you, neither does a random troubled guy.

HVM do not prey on prior dysfunction. They instead want to protect you and build a life together with you that you both deserve. The second I see a guy latching onto my "daddy issues" - yes some have explicitly said that, and no, I don't have any - I hightail it out of there.

PilotAppropriate6956 · 2021-09-20T02:35:52+00:00

My sister is with her boyfriend who I consider a HVM. He knows all about my father’s LVness. Honestly, I think him knowing my sister’s “daddy issues” have raised his value even more. He treats my sister with such understanding and compassion and never looks down on her and where she came from.

ussr_ftw · 2021-09-20T06:37:51+00:00

Hey, are you my clone? I think we've had the same life. I've just been straight up saying before the meet-the-family part that my father and I are not close due to his attitudes. Making it clear that I avoid any similar misogynistic and shitty attitudes in all areas of my life, and that I only tolerate him because I have no choice. Set the precedent that you are not close because he acts like this, so your partner will see it as what NOT to do.

ashcantcatchabreak · 2021-09-20T05:36:51+00:00

No, your dad has nothing to do with your worth. The dynamic however will affect your life. If it is a toxic father, do the steps a high-value person would do and get therapy, establish a support network outside of dad, and recognize the limitations of an inadequate parent.

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2021-09-20T02:34:14+00:00

My father sounds like the twin of yours OP. The thing with my father is that he looks good compared to my mother who is an abusive narcissist. I worry about introducing them to a HV partner but in my case, I would leave it until we have been dating a while.

sexualfoodpantry · 2021-09-20T07:08:55+00:00

Having a low value father is a problem. Depending on how bad he was, every man who is not like him will seem like a god in comparison.

So your chances of mistaking another low value man for a high value one, just because he doesn't do <insert daddy behavior here>, are rather high.

Additionally, a smart hvm will avoid a woman with a dysfunctional family (and rightfully so), unless she proves to have done the emotional and mental work and has excellent boundaries with her family.

Title	How much will having a low value father affect your chances with a high value man?
Author	PetuniaXo
Upvotes	204
Comments	23
Date	September 20, 2021 12:43 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/prk6er/how_much_will_having_a_low_value_father_affect/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-much-will-having-a-low-value-father-affect.1075478 https://theredarchive.com/post/1075478

Comments