How should we raise our sons?

Salt_Satisfaction · 2021-03-10T17:02:06+00:00

Number one priority should be that they develop empathy and learn to listen (not just hear) to others. We should also try to give them good self-esteem, so that they are confident in their moral compass, opinions and self-worth. It helps if they also develop a deep sense of curiosity, so they are always willing to learn new things, and admit when they are wrong when new, contradicting information comes up.

If a boy is confident in himself, and he's been taught good values, he is less likely to believe or do misogynistic stuff just to fit in with his friends or just because his favourite celebrities are doing it. For example, a confident boy will continue to treat his female classmates like normal people, instead of participating in sexist jokes even if the other boys tell him he is a simp, a white knight, a soyboy, gay... etc. because he'll know he has nothing to prove to anyone.

kayethewitch · 2021-03-10T18:20:34+00:00

I think it's important for all kids (and especially our sons) to do chores. It teaches respect for our living space and family members. I'm also working on empathy and feelings with my son, we read stories about how to express our feelings and healthy ways to deal with feelings like frustration and disappointment. At school they watch videos on empathy and how to be a good friend (he's quite young).

I think calm parenting is really critical, as our kids pick up on our parenting strategies and may mimic that with their kids someday. I've worked a lot on breaking generational trauma cycles with my therapist so that none of this is passed on to my son. I think that a lot of toxic masculinity starts in the home so making it clear that aggression isn't ok is really important.

I'm sure the teenage years will be a struggle, but at the moment my son is sweet, expressive, respectful, well-behaved, just all-around lovely. Now I just need a mom-mentor for those teen years!!

gentlewins · 2021-03-10T20:54:35+00:00

I talk with mine about internet porn and send him articles. I’m sure he doesn’t appreciate it, and idgaf. He needs to know if he partakes, he is hurting people. It’s so ubiquitous with phones nowadays I don’t think you can avoid having this conversation (more than once, and from several angles).

And again, I don’t care if it makes him uncomfortable. The women in “exploited teen” videos surely are so he can deal with it.

gingerwabisabi · 2021-03-11T00:45:22+00:00

Definitely chores. Over their childhood, they should gradually do more chores and rotate through different types of chores so they know how to do all of them. I would say by middle school they should be doing all their own laundry, for example.

A lot of parents do tell their kids "clean your room!" without actually demonstrating step by step and doing it with the kids enough times that the kids know what to do. Children do not have mature executive function yet, which is why raising them takes so much thought and effort. I did see what seemed like a really great idea from a family once, where the children were given allowances that were treated like income from a job - the parents figured out how much they'd be spending on, say, toys for kindergartners each month, or toys, clothes, and haircuts for high-schoolers, and then paid them that amount each month. They might have split the money into twice a month. Anyway, from then on, with some gentle suggestions and guidance, the child was responsible for their own toy purchasing as a kindergartner, or toys, clothes, and hairstyles as a high-schooler. They could save up specific amounts for fancy items, go to thrift stores to get more stuff for cheap, try cutting their own hair, etc. etc., but they were in charge of that part of their own care before they turned 18 and had to learn it all at once. I thought that was brilliant! And apparently the kids in this family grew up very frugal and owned their own houses really quickly.

Also, not owning a TV is great. I grew up that way and really appreciated it even then. Libraries are amazing!

Parental controls on computer, limited computer time, AND computer is located in a public area of the house.

Relay Republic instead of a smart phone.

Explaining, in child-appropriate terms, the reasoning behind your choices and what kind of people you hope to raise them to be, as well as that you want to protect them from getting addicted to various things before they have mature brains.

Lots of outdoor time. Ideally, enough hiking/camping that they internalize the luxury that is running water, air conditioning, and fridges. Even more ideal, have a ritual when they turn 18 where they have to survive on their own for a week or more in the wilderness and then they come back to a family and friends celebration of their manhood.

Those are my best suggestions!

pinkcloudzzz · 2021-03-10T18:27:56+00:00

Lock up their phones after school so they can’t access porn and get addicted. Install porn blockers on all devices.

valkyriegoll · 2021-03-11T02:51:02+00:00

Just observing how my mom raised my brother and us.

In regards to sex, it was discussed in clear concise manners, puberty was fully explained long before we encountered it. My mom refused to let us romanticize sex and relationships (i.e. explaining the players handbook, not letting us read or watch things that were outlandishly romantic i.e. romance books and movies). She also made it clear about porn and the impact that it has on the human body, addiction, and unrealistic expectations. It was also explained to us about the physical and physiology impact that sex/children has on women.

In regards to physically, my brother was a rather rough and violent teen (hormones), she would call the non emergency police everytime he would resort to physicality instead of words (I.e. I remember one time we were in the car together and he punched me not too hard, but hard enough to lightly bruise over something stupid. She pulled over and we waited for the cop.). She also sent him off a summer to military boot camp which actually really helped him.

Expectations were very clear in my parents household.

OrangeyPanda · 2021-03-10T21:25:49+00:00

The most important one is who their role models are. It doesn't matter if you teach your son to do chores, if he sees that dad doesn't do his equal share then that's what teaches him what being a man is. He will expect his future partner to be in charge of chores.

Twolipz_78 · 2021-03-10T19:22:15+00:00

I very recently asked this question myself in r/askFDS about my teenaged son and how to better bond with him. I am concerned of him ending up a LVM and/or a miserable incel and he does not have any positive male role models in his life at this time.

He has an Uncle but he’s not the best example as my alcoholic stepdad isn’t either but I’m doing the best I can. At least he’s seen the LVX’s in my life and how much they hurt me and I plead with him not to be like that.

Platipus6 · 2021-03-11T01:41:43+00:00

Walk him through this decision flowchart

My sociopathic ex was stuck in a loop in the Bad part.

He had no conscience.

Get the books "Growing Up Again" and "Adult children of emotionally immature parents".

There are a ton of great charts on what parenting looks like and the effects of coddling and strict abuse.

Also "6 pillars of self esteem" and "self determination".

Little boys need to learn autonomy and have pride in doing it themselves. Pride in tricking people needs to be shamed.

miss_peach94 · 2021-03-11T05:54:38+00:00

Watch the friends that they keep.

Title	How should we raise our sons?
Author	InterviewImaginary46
Upvotes	76
Comments	26
Date	March 10, 2021 4:57 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/m1psya/how_should_we_raise_our_sons/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-should-we-raise-our-sons.752011 https://theredarchive.com/post/752011

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