How to be more assertive the FDS way?

Madholley · 2022-01-31T22:45:54+00:00

First, congratulations on recognizing this about yourself!! This is a great starting point. I don't have a book recommendation but I can share my efforts in this space with you. I noticed this same thing about myself. What I started doing was, after interactions like the one you listed above, I would write down how I might have handled things differently. For example, the friend who made the disparaging comment about your role- could you have said, "I can't speak for your boyfriends colleague, but as a management consultant, I add value by xxx." And then reflect on how it would make you feel to speak up like this. I also reflected on what less kind reactions would feel like. It sounds silly but by "rehearsing" these conversations in my head, I had time to prepare for the next one. And gradually, when these situations came up again, I got to practice some of my different responses and find the one that felt most authentic to me. I feel like "being assertive" is something that can feel unnatural, like me wearing platforms for the first time. By wearing my statements around alone at home, just like I did with my shoes, I got to figure out whether they worked for me or not. (And for the record, platforms never worked for me, but being assertive in my own language does!)

Catz10000 · 2022-01-31T23:42:16+00:00

Nice is different than actually being kind. "Nice" is performative submissive bs. True kindness (an HV trait imo) comes from the gut.

ceramicunicorn · 2022-02-01T02:23:27+00:00

Working in a union workplace, I learned from the president who bargained on my behalf. I told her she did a great job, and she said that there is merit to the idea that it is often easier to advocate for those who are not yourself, because from the outside you can see things more objectively and the stakes are lower for an outside party.

I modified this and have sort of an alter ego that I call The Advocate. Beyoncé had her Sasha, when she needed boldness on stage, and I have this. Mind you, I still keep consequences in mind (they will be mine after all), but I step outside the situation as best I can to assess it more objectively- as if I’m not me, I’m my representative- and then when it is time to interact with assertiveness, in my mind I frame the interaction as if I am advocating on someone else’s behalf. It makes it all feel less personal to me. Does that make sense?

edwardianemerald · 2022-02-01T00:52:35+00:00

Identify your boundaries early on and write them down. Are you ok with being slighted at work meetings to "keep the peace"? If sometimes not, identify the conflict resolution that works best for you. It sounds like you're good at having a friendly private chat with the speaker and asking them "what they meant" by x y z. This shows that you are paying attention to how you're treated and willing to stand up for yourself. If nothing changes after the chat, escalate. Ask about it in a group setting. If that doesn't work, mention it offhand in a superior or make a note about it in a performance review. Escalation doesn't have to be scary! It's a necessary part of the professional workplace.

Determinedblonde · 2022-01-31T22:30:33+00:00

I find this part of life a minefield too! I’d love to know what the other ladies have to say. I think for me, I’ll point out that I’m autistic so it’s unfair to exploit my eagerness to please by taking my ideas, although that still sounds terrible! 😅

Vaahla · 2022-02-01T15:03:30+00:00

Example 1: she is systematically destroying you, and she’s doing it on purpose. Really? She doesn’t have enough of her own job to do so she’s doing everything for yours too? For what, shits and giggles? No. She wants you gone and if this is already happening it may be too late. You cannot let things like this continue past 2-3 incidents (just to prove it’s not a one off) and you need to bring it up after incident 1. The damage might already be done.

Embody this thought in every workplace interaction: Carry yourself with the confidence of a mediocre white man.

If he can do it, why the fuck can’t you? My male coworkers have always been outrageous, from everything to raises and benefits, to language and demanding behaviour, to expressions of anger and negativity.

Embody their audacity, you deserve it, don’t let people be hypocrites.

A man can literally kick a garbage can across an office with zero consequence, but you can’t call someone out for steamrolling you?

Example 2: you aren’t being nice and your friend is being a bitch. Does she always speak to you this way? Putting you down? Comparing the two of you? That’s not a friend, that’s a high school bully who needs side characters for their show.

You are a main character. Don’t let people use you as a side piece or audience for their lives.

You’ll flip your switch too, you are searching for it and it won’t stay hidden forever. I used to be so downtrodden and “nice”.

Fake it til you make it worked for me. I forced myself to stop before I speak and think about what I’m saying. Reveal nothing extra. Don’t over share. Say confident things. Pretend you are the woman you want to be. Now I am becoming her naturally.

cryptohobo · 2022-02-01T19:10:25+00:00

I think there’s a misconception that being assertive means being confrontational. I learned to employ a very low key assertive tactic by asking questions instead. It’s a calm approach but it also shows you don’t let shit slide. So in the case of your “friend” who made that snide MC remark, I’d have asked her what she means by him not adding value. Upon her explanation I would have asked her if she thinks that also applies to you, and then just relished in her backpedaling lol.

katiekat0214 · 2022-02-01T11:44:18+00:00

DO NOT make yourself small! Take up space! This is a gigantic way to say "fuck you" to the patriarchy, by claiming your space and your right to exist in the world. What that boils down to is just being in a space, and not immediately moving or making room for people; it takes time to unlearn nice and accommodating behaviors, but once you practice it, there are a lot of positives. You'll get more respect overall. It's a total power move to take up space, not make yourself small, and be very present, without moving around for others.

I also get speaking up after reflecting, but as an introvert, I learned a little trick, which is to center myself and my feelings first of all, and tune in to myself on a regular basis. If you know that a colleague is a boundary stomper, you're going to have to set firm limits and probably consequences too. You're going to have to speak up, and speak over them. Personally, I've always been a bit of a badger, and the fangs and claws come out when someone starts overstepping. I would say, you don't get to take control; this is my domain. That's yours. You don't get to organize meetings with my stakeholders; do it again, and I report to y/our boss. This is my area, my presentation, not yours. I'll present. To be honest, if I REALLY wanted to put her in her place, I'd add, it's my presentation; I just need you to be an appreciative audience, then smile broadly.

At first, you'll have to jump in and be quick about asserting yourself, defending boundaries, and stopping people from riding roughshod over you. It'll take multiple times doing this, since you've said they've done this before, so consider this as training. If/when you get accused of being "mean" or whatever, lean into it. They expect you to be horrified, and it's a total manipulation tactic. Agreeing with them WILL set them back and shut them up. Just reiterate that this is what you're paid to do, you're going to do it, don't need any help, thanks anyway. Then turn away and get busy doing your work.

aurelia_86 · 2022-02-02T06:03:46+00:00

Other people have given you better advice for the psych stuff than me, but I was thinking abour your coworker. I wondered if you could have a conversation along the following lines:

"Bridget, I've so appreciated your willingness to pitch in and contribute to your colleagues' work. However, I'm managing some sensitivies with my A and B projects. You probably aren't aware of them because they don't sit within your core responsibilities.

Next time you'd like to comment on Y or present on Z, I'm going to need you to come and speak with me first before proceeding. That way, we can make sure your contributions will help achieve our goal of [insert goal agreed with management here]" for these projects."

That will hopefully get her working to you, not around you. And if it doesn't, I think it's time to get management involved - don't focus on "Bridget's stealing my work" and keep the focus on "Bridget's interventions are jeopardising our objectives for this project, and I need to make sure I'm in a position to deliver for you".

butterballnook · 2022-02-01T21:22:43+00:00

Agree with others saying assertiveness does not mean confrontational.

I would begin by working from the inside out. How did your childhood and experiences shape you into who you are now?

As for a self help book by a woman check out Nice Girls Still Don’t Get The Corner Office. This book focuses on being an adult woman rather than falling back on girl socialisation. Also has breakdowns of mistakes and suggests solutions.

I’m into self help and psychology books so if you’d like more recommendations let me know ☺️ I’m also working on being assertive.

Title	How to be more assertive the FDS way?
Author	cmil7731
Upvotes	103
Comments	20
Date	January 31, 2022 10:23 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/she4r4/how_to_be_more_assertive_the_fds_way/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-to-be-more-assertive-the-fds-way.1098614 https://theredarchive.com/post/1098614

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