How to not be a stupid bitch and keep crawling back to a guy

cinderella_rising · 2020-04-01T19:15:58+00:00

It sounds like you have anxious attachment style and his is avoidant (and abusive even). This dynamic is unhealthy for you. Check out the book Attached. It’s very eye-opening. My advice is get a counselor & work on your self esteem. You know you need to end this to give yourself a chance at genuine happiness.

Edited to add—please don’t refer to yourself as a bitch or stupid. The most important voice that shapes your self esteem is the one in your own mind. Be gentle with yourself. You are worthy, you just have work to do.

BaffledBazaar · 2020-04-01T19:41:31+00:00

Why do girls do this? "He's a really really nice guy BUT [Insert MASSIVE DEAL BREAKER]"

He's a really nice guy, loyal

This conflicts with this

The status of our relationship pretty much just depends on his mood. When he's fine, we're ok, but when he gets mad, suddenly I'm the worst person in the earth

How is any of that nice? How is he redeemable in your eyes? Because sometimes when you tiptoe on those eggshells just right he finds the will to control his mood? If he has anger issues (by the way, he can control his anger, he CHOOSES not to) he needs help from a counselor, therapist, professional who is not you. I know I sound harsh in this comment and I'm not trying to be combative but I really want you to reexamine why you are clinging to the idea that he is nice.

Do you understand what loyal means? Loyal means someone who sticks with you thick and thin.

Whenever we'd fight, I'd cry a lot but he just tells me to "stop crying," and he even once told me to "not call him even when I'm crying because he doesn't care."

How is any of that loyalty? Someone who isn't there when you need support?

But I'm emotionally high maintenance!

Maybe. He still shouldn't say "Don't call me I don't care."

He says he doesn't care so take his word for it.

No, I don't have any other hobbies to distract him off my mind.

Get some. Find something to fall into so you don't fall back into him. From now on, you arent resisting him, you are choosing not to talk to or see him again. Learn a language, read a book, write a book, draw, whatever, find a sense of self.

tellmesomething11 · 2020-04-01T19:23:14+00:00

I mean, you say he’s nice and loving, but I fail to see it anywhere in your post. YOU always have to apologize and bite back your pride and instincts even when you aren’t wrong. That’s not healthy. When he’s mad, he lashes out by escalating his behavior to unacceptable levels, which is not okay. He doesn’t care about your anxiety or mental illness and he doesn’t even care if you leave, because he knows you’ll come back.

So, where is this loving boyfriend? He’s pretty terrible. Just because y’all get along when HE’S in a good mood doesn’t mean it’s a good relationship.

On the flip side, I’m glad you’ve done the inner work of realizing where your destructive behaviors come from. They are generally rooted in childhood, in your case, seeing a female figure (mother) be abused by your dad (cheating is abuse) but doing nothing about it.

So what next? Well, you have to look more within. Do you want to be with your boyfriend? Because he seems terrible. It’s hard to walk away from someone you love. But I promise you, you’ll lose yourself a little more every time you stay. And there is someone out there m that would listen and not trigger your depression or anxiety, and not lash out just because y’all have a disagreement.

Resolve to strengthen yourself inside. You are worth it, we all are! We deserve better. And if you break up with him, just think about your worth. And abusers are really good at isolating you, you’re friends are his friends and that prevents you from getting their advice, which would probably be to leave anyway. Good luck

husheveryone · 2020-04-01T19:30:51+00:00

This doesn’t get better. Anger issues can escalate to intimate partner violence. Usually this happens slowly, subtly over time, so that when he has you feeling trapped in a few years, perhaps with a mortgage and a newborn, he escalates to more physical forms of abuse.

Lundy Bancroft “Why Does He Do That?” discusses these early warning signals for abuse such as the anger issues you’ve described.

mcSnappleteet · 2020-04-01T20:13:18+00:00

Keep checking in on this forum. Read everything you can here. Read the texts that are recommended. You will level up when you're ready

just_ivy_wtf · 2020-04-01T22:31:41+00:00

He's not "your kryptonite", he's an abusive asshole and you feel the need for connection and love. He knows this and is manipulating you by devaluing you. He sounds exactly like my stalker ex who used to be emotionally abusive.
I also have massive anger issues, and managed to control it in order to avoid conflict. Guess what though? Anger issues don't consistently benefit the person with them.

Novemberinthechair · 2020-04-02T05:12:17+00:00

He's not nice, loyal or loving. Such a man only heightens depression, not help it. His emotional ineptitude will only gaslight you into thinking you're not worthy of true kindness. Get rid of him as soon as it's possible. He's obviously not a comfort. A pet, some hobbies and meaningful work would make you feel better. Get away from his ass.

ErikaNaumann · 2020-04-02T21:34:03+00:00

Tips to escape a toxic relationship:

1 - you need to block him on every social media, email, phone etc. This will be hard, but you HAVE TO DO IT. You will cry, you will be tempted, don't unblock!! If necessary give your phone to your parents/friends/cat for a week or two.

2 - he will probably try to get you back, even when blocked. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN. Cry, scream, let the snot run down to your mouth. Just don't get back with him. Recruit the help of family and friends if necessary. Give your house keys to someone else. Have a curfew. Just don't get back with him. Keep him blocked!!

3 - you need to find a hobby. If you don't know which, try a lot of different ones until you find something you like. Here are a few ideas: a team sport, learning to sew, learning to paint, videogames, puzzles, trekking, photography, volunteering at an animal shelter, etc. If you don't have any hobby you will keep thinking about him. Keep your mind busy!

4 - you probably need therapy. You seem to be in a cycle of dating trash man, and you need to break it. I don't know what country you are in, but look out for what therapies are available to you

5 - it's time to reach out to family and friends. Don't keep your feelings locked inside, share them with one or two trusted people.

6 - surround yourself with self improvement and self love messages, from power women. Keep reading fds and listen to some youtube videos. Good channels are: shallon lester, school of afluence (anna bey), love your natural, chloe_, SheRaSeven1

7 - you need to learn about yourself. Time to start reading about attachment styles. There are a lot of online sources for that, just google them. You seem to be anxiously attached. Read about that, the causes and how you can "fix" this.

8 - do NOT have a rebound relationship. You need to heal first. Gain self love. Only then will you be ready to date again.

It will be hard, but you need to do this. This man will destroy you, you will waste years of your life, and get traumas. This has the likelihood to damage you in the long term, so break it now, rather than later. Save yourself, nobody else will.

dr_zoidberg69 · 2020-04-01T17:41:58+00:00

Sorry if the TL;DR is still long.

nutshit · 2020-04-02T07:05:31+00:00

I had a seemingly HVM and the one red flag that made me leave the first time I seen them was like your bf’s: the moodiness and sudden disrespect. You should have enough pride to pull back and stop giving access to you. Idk about you but I haaaate giving people the satisfaction idc I’ll be alone before I ever. This is not something he’ll ever change, is this what you want to deal with for years to come? Do you want to continue wasting time? Enjoy your life as much as you can there’s nothing worse then spending it with a man who can’t bother to treat you right.

thepastamancer · 2020-04-01T21:28:32+00:00

Not one single thing you've described about this person is nice.

2020-04-03T09:32:44+00:00

Theres a book recommended in the FDS handbook "why does he do that by lundy A". Its the first book on the list. I mightve gotten the title a little wrong.

Anyway, you stop your self from going back by learning about the cycle of abuse and why he does it.

The periods of nice are part of the abuse. They keep you off balance & confused so that he maintains control (I.e the woman stays put)

The book also shows you that his bad behaviour (read: emotional abuse), is a choice, based on his beliefs systems. It cancels out all the excuses u make for him and helps you to see crystal clearly

Laeun · 2020-04-04T05:16:07+00:00

Block and delete him off of everything. You are emotionally charging and complicating the most clear cut, straightforward decision you will ever make. To choose yourself. To choose your sanity. Do not complicate this. You will only hurt yourself more. Detach from and remove him.

Title	How to not be a stupid bitch and keep crawling back to a guy
Author	dr_zoidberg69
Upvotes	27
Comments	27
Date	April 1, 2020 5:40 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ft4h79/how_to_not_be_a_stupid_bitch_and_keep_crawling/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-to-not-be-a-stupid-bitch-and-keep-crawling.679178 https://theredarchive.com/post/679178

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