First of all, this is not a battle cry, this is cold and broken hallelujah. I’m not proud of much of this since I was NOT listening to FDS rules for about 99% of the time🤦🏻‍♀️

But I did it. I told him I couldn’t do this anymore. He was a guy I hooked up on vacation in cambodia who I never expected to see again. But then when covid got serious and the hostels closed before I could get a flight out, he let me stay with him for 2 weeks. It was fun, we had a great time, I never expected to talk to him again.

Then when I got back to the USA and he got back to the UK he reached out. We started talking as friends, nothing more. Then snap chatting. Then facetiming almost every day. Then planning for him to come and visit. Then planning a classic American roadtrip together because it was his dream. More talking. More FaceTimes. Daily conversation. He was kind, sweet, called when I was sad to make sure I was okay. Was there when a friend attempted suicide and I didn’t know who else to call. He became someone I leaned on.

And then I realized that I had feelings. Strong feelings. I was imagining a relationship with this guy. I wanted more with him. I mean, we were fully becoming each other’s support system and confidante. And I couldn’t keep it in anymore so I told him. He told me he didn’t feel that same way, but that he wanted to be friends still. And I said no. I can’t.

I cut off contact today. I feel lost and sad and lonely. I’ve cried a lot. But I also know that I did the right thing. That I was hurting myself by trying to keep my feelings in and be just a “friend” to him. That the friendship was no longer something I could handle. And I feel proud of that.

I mean yes, I will absolutely be sobbing about this later. But I did it.