just realized I don't introject, can't be coerced, and am super strong... but at what a price

sexualfoodpantry · 2022-01-04T18:29:51+00:00

Anyone else realize the psychological price(s) they've had to pay to find their own strength?

Instantly felt what you meant by this question, even though we've both arrived to it differently. (Lower working class background. You can get a lot of random and unprovoked hate for being an academically minded woman.)

That kind of hard-earned strength certainly feels great, but here's the thing, at least for me:

I thought that finally giving zero fucks about what people think of my body or mind would solve all my interpersonal problems.

It does not.

One can be strong enough not to fall into common dating traps anymore because they value themselves better, but still be vulnerable to codependent behavior in other areas, for example. It's another issue that has to be solved separately.

kinkardine · 2022-01-04T18:54:36+00:00

Lol we all had to learn the hard way, in my previous country I was ugly and invisible, but I loved it tbh cause when ugly you can see the true face of people- specially people who think you need to be pretty as a rent/tax to live as a woman. My friends and dates were solid and honest. But after changing country I fell into a bit pretty category, so was wowed when guys started approaching me here and there, I was like talking to my bestie and telling her ‘wow he said this and that’, and she (who is extremely pretty) brushed off saying guys will say just anything, I did not listen to her and after a few heart breaks I know guys will just say anything, so being pretty is not a win either - it’s just your predator pool is now broader.

But yes after 30yr I learnt to groom as a part of self preservation and care, and that made a lot of difference, people treat you the way you treat yourself, you always have the first chance to set the tone, I do not want to take any risk with that anymore. I also do not give a damn of what others think of me any more, my existence is not for any one’s entertainment, but I want people to comply and respect me, and a well put together image earns enough credibility at minimal resistance.

2340000 · 2022-01-04T19:30:14+00:00

I've been waiting for a post like this😭. And OP, I love your strength.

Yes. 1000% yes.

I think life would be easier if I was stupider🤷. Don't get me wrong, I love how strong I am. But I am doing this alone. Literally. No one in my family is feminist. The "feminist" friends I've had are libfems who'll encourage me to have hookups, but will also tell me reporting a man for touching me is "making a scene".

I've noticed the women with internalized misogyny who never escape pickmeism, never escape because they understand they'd lose support from their community (which they feel is responsible for their success). Or they'd be a social outcast. Or they'd lose their job. Me? I'd rather lose my job. And I have in the past after saying no to men or speaking to HR.

I think I'd be further in my career if I didn't "mind" my first boss' inappropriate comments. I'd still be at my third job if I didn't "mind" that management protected racists and rapists. That shit bothered me so much. I could barely function at work with how angry I was. I'm better now. But I learned the hard way.

I get overwhelmed a lot. I catch everything. Things that bother me, don't bother others (when they should). That is a lonely feeling.

JadeBaby2211 · 2022-01-04T19:54:10+00:00

Oh yes. I almost have to clutch my bitterness and memories of abuse in order to stay on guard around men. Trying to develop a more responsive nervous system without the bitterness lately but it's hard! And takes a long time❤

fruitpunchsam · 2022-01-04T18:29:36+00:00

This is so relatable. I'm quite young but have already been sexually harassed at my workplace (I'm a WOC so the harassment was racialized too), gotten attempted gaslighting from HR about it, and my former employers tried to blacklist me to other hiring managers when they were listed as a reference. I also grew up being ungroomed and not stylish, which is a death knell to both male and female relationships when you're young, so I was mostly friendless until like 16.

I'm not a Black woman, but the statements I've heard from some of them about how they don't want to be called "strong" and honestly shouldn't have to be "strong" just to survive, come to mind. There are things my female relatives went through in Asia and which my female Asian Am friends go through in America that make them tough as hell, but they shouldn't have had to go through those experiences in the first place.

Some of the most critically acclaimed novels with Asian heroines are about women who are so angry, who have been screwed over multiple times and draw immense power from their outrage. I understand where the (Asian Am female) authors are coming from, but ultimately I don't think it's sustainable for us to draw power from the terrors we've encountered.

I am glad for my strength, but it's a reminder of what I have to endure just for being a woman, and specifically an Asian woman.

KindredMaximus · 2022-01-05T02:30:03+00:00

I've lost my whole FOO because of it. My family is anti-academic and have done nothing but belittle me getting an education and becomming a ''mainstream'' health practitioner rather than a woo idiot who pretends I can heal people with my hands and fictional thoughts. I was also best friends with my sister, we spoke twice a day - I lost her when she tried to convince me that her son molesting my daughter was ''kids play'' - yeah, that's a no from me. I stayed away from every single family gathering since then, to protect my children and I'M the one who apparently ''thinks I'm better than everyone'' - well, if that means my children are safe and I look at things realistically instead of through a haze of delusion - so be it. But yeah, having to walk away from my whole family - esp. since my Dad died (he and I were the closest and I moved my family to be near him and his new wife when my kids were little and I realised the rest of my family were going to be happy to endanger my children) - yeah, since he died and my sister basically stole all his personal effects and my brother who refused to speak to him in over 30 years, contested his will - I've struggled and felt like I had nobody in the world. But I won't let them manipulate me into being in the wrong but yeah, standing up for myself means I have no family. It is not an easy road and I know exactly what you mean.
Men can not manipulate me either - my bullshit radar is fine tuned. But I have fantastic women friends who have basically kept me functional since my Dad died. I have one who rings me every morning to give me a pep talk and all of them love me and want the best for me.

hedwighedgehog99 · 2022-01-04T19:10:57+00:00

I think fds principles can help all women, regardless of background and experiences. Now I am older, wiser, and finally look my age, but applying fds principles have flipped my relationships, including marriage, dynamics in a positive way, I feel like a valued individual again instead of a somehow lesser partner, or a pack animal that has to earn love and respect by servitude. I've warned and then walked away from every disrespectful relationship, regardless of blood relation or years of "friendship". When I was young and adorable, and waaaay too generous with my love, energy, and time, these principles would have served me ten fold. My idealism didn't help me realize that I was projecting good qualities onto people who wouldn't lift a finger to take care of anyone else, let alone themselves. I let soooo many grownass people live with/off me, who were down on their "luck". I am grateful to be able to donate and support social service agencies, but I leave counseling and social work to the actual degree-qualified and clinically certified social workers now.

sunflowergrazing · 2022-01-04T19:48:19+00:00

I read something similar like this in The Body Keeps The Score . Your discernment gets hightened as your brain doesn’t want to repeat the same trauma that it had to shut down/reprogram for.

Careless_Boat_4469 · 2022-01-04T17:36:04+00:00

Sounds like you’ve really done a lot of inner work to not buy into whatever BS someone tries to sell you. Kudos to you!

As someone who is also generally good at sniffing out peoples’ manipulative behaviors, I’d say one of prices of this strength is that it can often feel a bit lonelier, and might take longer to “find their person” in dating, or even “find their tribe” in friendships, because while you’re emotionally evolving and “leveling up”, everyone else is still right where they always were. Repeating their same patterns and not learning the lessons. So, they might jump into new relationships much faster, but it’s not necessarily that they’ve learned or grown from the previous ones, so they end up just dating the same types of people over and over, allowing themselves to be manipulated (or totally oblivious to the manipulation), and then ask themselves what went wrong when it all ends again.

Self-knowledge is power, but it’s definitely a quieter, more winding road to get to where we’re going.

ashcantcatchabreak · 2022-01-05T03:51:13+00:00

I’m sorry you’re struggling with feelings about this, but I hope you take heart, take courage knowing that you’ve grown and learned and developed as a person, and even if the journey wasn’t easy, you are as worthy and lovely as anyone else on the planet - you deserve your love ❤️

Muffcakelord · 2022-01-06T09:15:41+00:00

Remember that sometimes excessive strength is actually insecurities being covered up for. Trusting requires vulnerability for example and it's way easier to be distant/resisting, although people mistake resisting for being strong when it's opposite in some situations.

I found out my insanely busy schedule was not so much a strength in organizing and being skilled in many fields as much as it really was the easiest way to avoid my traumas and having to look myself in the eye on a daily basis. Maybe you will learn that all those years of disrespect made you (rightfully) defensive but to a degree you'd be wise to decrease in favor of exercising confident and correctly placed trust?

Some strengths are weaknesses in disguise. We developed them for good reason but sometimes they can be replaced to optimize our happiness

Title	just realized I don't introject, can't be coerced, and am super strong... but at what a price
Author	katiekat0214
Upvotes	189
Comments	16
Date	January 4, 2022 4:57 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/rvz082/just_realized_i_dont_introject_cant_be_coerced/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/just-realized-i-dont-introject-cant-be-coerced-and.1094630 https://theredarchive.com/post/1094630

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