Let's clarify what it means that "relationships take work"

The_kilt_lifta · 2020-09-23T12:02:28+00:00

[deleted]

Hhjjuuy · 2020-09-23T13:45:15+00:00

I'd add the work of early dating, of spending your time vetting and assessing who you want to commit to. Too often people see dating as trying to grasp on to the first person who'll agree to be with them instead of a process if filtering out the people you shouldn't be with. The people who talk about how much work a relationship is in the negative way will be the same people who put zero work into finding a suitable partner to begin with.

vmuzondi · 2020-09-23T12:23:37+00:00

I’ve always hated this ideology. I grew up with parents who were basically best friends/lovers and even though they argued sometimes, they would never say it was “work” to be together. They actually enjoy each other’s company and are very compatible so they don’t fight about small things often since they generally agree already. They also love spending time together and pleasing each other. Because of that, I don’t do relationships that make me feel like I need to put in work. It’s not going to be easy but it’s not going to be pulling teeth either. If that person is your “soulmate” then why are you so incompatible? It’s honestly settling if the person you’re with doesn’t make you work to be a better person rather than work for the relationship.

annamae602 · 2020-09-23T15:06:48+00:00

Thank you for sharing this!

This reminds me of why I hate the phrase, "it takes two people to ruin a relationship", too. It's only ever used against women, usually for two reasons:

1) a man cheats and wants to make it seem like he had "no other choice" or was somehow "driven to it" by his partner

2) when a woman stands up for herself in an abusive relationship

I find that the "it takes two" and "relationships take work" adages are just very subtle ways of reversing victim and offender. Whereas they might be true in theory, they are usually used exclusive against women. Because we all know who stands to benefit the most from prolonging an unhealthy LTR or marriage: men.

shoesfromparis135 · 2020-09-23T12:08:06+00:00

Damn straight, this is all truth.

That's perhaps one of the reasons why, a lot of women stay in abusive relationships. There's this romanticism when it comes to "struggle relationships". That is, the more shit that the two have experienced together, the more 'sacred' their relationship is.

"Oh, we've been to couples therapy. He'll never do it again!"

It's disgusting, and I'm sick of it being perpetuated. That we women are taught that it's okay to lower our standards, and put up with shit because of that falsehood of "relationships are hard".

This horseshit is further presented in media. With abusive portrayals of couples. The female lead is always putting her interests at stake, for the male's shitty behavior. Oh the main character's husband cheats? Nevermind, that's forgiven! He's an alcoholic? Oh nevermind... Because they're in LOOOOOVE.

Relationships, I believe take time, effort, and energy... as do all things in life. Whether that be building a new skill, which ultimately brings you joy in the end--or working on yourself. Sure, those pursuits take a lot of effort, time and money but do they end up destroying your life? Reducing you to a dried husk which was sapped of your individuality?

No. They're investments, and they bring joy in the end... as aforementioned. A relationship with a HVM will do the very same. He adds to one's life. Augments it.

That's the cardinal difference, I believe.

sacchilax · 2020-09-23T14:37:19+00:00

THANK YOU FOR THIS! I just got divorced and I was telling my friend that people need to stop saying “marriage is hard work” because it does nothing but portray a wrong perception and allow for abuse to continue longer than it should because people think “ well yeah! This is the hard work I was warned about” no no NO. The list of what is considered “work” is exactly all it should be and that’s IT! I was driving myself crazy wondering why things were so hard- it was all HIM! Covert narc. I know that with someone new it will be much easier. I found marriage to be easy because I am great at communicating effectively, planning activities and actively listening. BUT- I need a partner who does the same!

PoorPlainObscure · 2020-09-23T13:23:10+00:00

That's beautiful. This one in particular hits home:

Relationships [should never require] you to try to make yourself feel and want things you don't actually feel or want - or at least pretend you do

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2020-09-23T15:14:04+00:00

These lines can be so harmful. So many abusive men parrot this one at women when they get sick of his abuse and bullshit.

PinkFurLookinLikeCam · 2020-09-23T13:37:28+00:00

You made me realize some things sis, bless you AND your kin AND your dog🙏🏼💕

yourscreennamesucks · 2020-09-23T19:40:20+00:00

Work means when you are asked to come home sober, don't stop for a 12 pack and an ounce on the way home after you smoked yourself stupid all day at work.

Works_For_Treats · 2020-09-24T04:49:01+00:00

This is what it was like with my ex. Gross.

Title	Let's clarify what it means that "relationships take work"
Author	Creature__Teacher
Upvotes	642
Comments	25
Date	September 23, 2020 11:53 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/iy8moa/lets_clarify_what_it_means_that_relationships/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/lets-clarify-what-it-means-that-relationships-take.273611 https://theredarchive.com/post/273611

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