I hope this is okay for me to post this here but I just don't know what to do and I need to get everything out that's in my head and this feels like the safest place to do it in.

In 2019 my husband of 25 years left and I tried to kill myself, he fell in love with our best friend. He didn't like me wearing makeup, he didn't like me talking about politics, he controlled the media I saw, he didn't want me on Facebook. He was verbally and sometimes physically abusive and I believe that he pushed me to try to kill myself. I believe that he wanted me to die.

He makes nearly $30 an hour while I am on social security and I get $18,000 a year to live off of. I hired a lawyer thinking that it wouldn't actually go to a judge because I thought that he would be reasonable turns out my ex-husband is not at all reasonable and is pushing us to go to court. That means I now have to come up with $4,000 in a week to continue to engage my attorney or I have to face my ex-husband in court alone while he has an amazing attorney and I don't know what to do. Him and his attorney are trying to claim that I'm able to work even though he knows how sick I am, he knows I am disabled. He just doesn't want to have to pay maintenance and now I won't have any help to fight him and I just it's hard.

I'm so broken and I try to keep fighting, I will keep fighting but right now I'm just having such a hard time because I'm going to have to go on face him without a lawyer and I don't know what I'm going to do. Sorry about this rant and my little pity party here I just don't know where else to put this, when my husband left he took all of our friends because he was such a wonderful guy. He's the perfect man because he did housework occasionally. He is a feminist and he's all for women's rights and blah blah blah so he's just perfect nobody saw him behind closed doors and nobody knows who he truly is and what he's capable of. I really just needed to get this out somewhere because it's just running around in my head and it helps to say it out loud. I will be okay, I know I will I'm just very afraid!