Marriage is a financial contract. Many IRL examples are showing it does not protect us the way we think it does. If knowledgeable please advise. (CF)

ConstantNurse · 2021-12-14T03:58:40+00:00

Ironically, it was my grandpa who told me to treat marriage like I was entering a business agreement and to make sure to protect what assets I have because chances are my partner would take advantage of them if I didn’t prioritize them.

He was right in away, however my middle school, Disney manipulated mind thought “someday my prince will come”, chose to see him as maligned for looking at romance like that, and I eventually became a pickme to a guy who’d eventually use and horrifically abuse me.

He was wrong in the sense that it only pertains to marriage, it should be “any relationship you enter”. There is a part of me that wishes I would have taken him more seriously.

NotSoSmartChick · 2021-12-14T02:44:44+00:00

The state I’m in, a woman gets one year of alimony for every 3 years of marriage. Your only hope of really making out is if the man started a business after you married, and that business really took off - then you’d be entitled to a large portion of that. Every state is different.

I can tell you from experience, the best way is to outlive him and inherit it all.

JulyParade · 2021-12-14T02:12:45+00:00

This is really something to discuss with your lawyer long before moving in with or marrying a man. Laws are different from state to state and country to country. Some types of assets have different protections than others. And then there are titling issues, beneficiary issues, insurance issues, inheritance issues... It could go on and on. Marriage is not something anyone should enter without knowing their rights and responsibilities first. And if you are properly vetting there won't be financial question marks because you would have discussed everything with him anyways.

I think too many women are willfully ignorant when it comes to marriage because they know having the hard conversations will end the relationship. So they "trust" instead of having a solid financial plan.

Commercial_Place9807 · 2021-12-14T15:21:50+00:00

Considering how much more men often earn than women in their lifetimes I’d say it’s rarely a financial risk for the woman. I’d say the bigger concern are the studies highlighting how much happier childfree single women profess to be than married mothers. I’d possibly attribute that to motherhood though and wonder how that would even out if only looked at married childfree women?

I will agree though that marriage is first and foremost a legal contract. It’s absurd when people say it’s “just a piece of paper” ok a piece of paper people have fought and bled for? A piece of paper that can’t be easily replicated? I recall a documentary on the fight for gay marriage where a gay couple brought out a giant stack of legal documents they had filed trying to replicate what one marriage certificate could do.

It’s also infuriating when I hear pick me’s say she and her man have a common law marriage without her even checking to see if that’s a thing in her state.

As an RN, I have looked several forever girlfriends right in the face and said “cool, y’all have been together forever, I’m still going to call his next of kin and ask them what they want because you have no rights.”

Sage_Planter · 2021-12-14T15:39:36+00:00

The question isn't "Does it make sense for a CF woman to get married?" The real question is "Does it make sense for me to get married?"

Marriage is an extremely personal decision. There's a lot of things besides just "I get money in a divorce" that a marriage provides, though. For example, there are inheritance laws for next of kin and medical decision making capabilities that an unwed couple are not granted. A couple can (and many gay couples did) mimic certain aspects of marriage through other legal paperwork to grant those rights.

There's 1,000,000 little things that can impact whether or not you should get married, and again, it's a very personal decision. Ages. Salary. Net worth. Religion. Health care options. Lifestyle. Culture. Immigration. Etc. When you're in a relationship, you need to evaluate whether it makes sense for you to marry that person given the unique circumstances.

throwaway_head_ache · 2021-12-14T16:02:22+00:00

You can split the rent, bills, and other expenses while living together if you want without getting married. It may be easier to leave if you need to.

I am a CF 30ish year old who got divorced not that long ago. I would have been able to keep my property (where I lived, all assets from when I was single became shared marital property). I could have been on the hook to pay half his student loans if he had known to ask for that in court. I only got away with not taking on half of his debt after our divorce because he was too ignorant to know it was available to him. I had to take the time and effort to change my name everywhere, get the titles on the cars separated, pay for divorce proceedings, etc.

Look into the laws where you marry and where you plan to live. That will affect you greatly and its important to take into account.

Personally, I know marriage is touted here as a goal but I dont know that I would do it again. It takes work to undo and I lost time, money, and belongings (my own dog!) because of the laws. I had a 7 year relationship to someone else before the marriage. We both put an equal amount into a joint account to cover bills and any extra was used for vacation or shared needs (like new tires on the car or fixing something at home). That seems like a better set up to me at this time.

BedazzledSwashbuckle · 2021-12-15T05:26:01+00:00

Every state's laws are different.

I'd recommend a prenup just because it's a good chance to see how he will act in a divorce. Is the prenup that he brings you exploitative? Does it leave you high and dry? Does it present a good faith offering that would leave you both fairly situated, assuming a productive, caring marriage while it lasted?

Keep in mind too that no matter what he has, if he has the resources to hide his assets pre-divorce, and you can't afford a decent forensic accountant (and the time it will take them to find the assets) and trial and endless lawyers ... you may still be getting 50% of $50 and half a pack of gum. In some states, if he "gifts" his net worth to family and friends more than 6 months before the divorce is filed, your consent as his spouse is presumed.

Ultimately, your best protection is to be with an ethical, kind man. Which goes back to vetting and a bit of good luck.

ABQ_COgirl · 2021-12-15T23:02:45+00:00

I was married 6-7 years, no kids, and still managed to receive alimony spousal support. I was unemployed at the time and he probably would have owed me more but I asked for a specific lesser amount that the judge approved. So it can be useful but mainly if you make less, or are unemployed, or have kids, are disabled, etc. If you make bank and he doesn’t then don’t get married. This would never end in your favor.

MelatoninNightmares · 2021-12-17T20:15:21+00:00

When people on this sub ask if marriage is worth it, I like to point to what gay people went through in the US before gay marriage was legalized. The reason we have gay marriage now is for practical reasons, not sentimental ones, and a lot of them have to do with the AIDS crisis. I wrote out a detailed post about that once.

TL;DR - Marriage does provide certain protections and benefits. Whether or not those protections are worth the risk depends on the individual couple. If you intend to share finances in any way - including owning property together, jointly planning for retirement, or being willing to support each other in case of illness or disability or job loss - marriage is probably worth it. If you're planning to cohabitate with a partner long-term, marriage is probably worth it. There are certain benefits that are only available to married couples - tax benefits, sharing insurance coverage, Social Security survivor benefits, etc. If you're not comfortable with your family members being your next of kin for things like medical/end of life/funeral decisions, marriage is probably worth it.

Vector_4_Food · 2021-12-14T03:06:20+00:00

Married for 4 years in US. I received nothing. I could have pursued an "at-fault" divorce in my state since I had copious amounts of proof of his numerous affairs and abortions. At the time I just wanted his trash ass out of my life so I took the path of least resistance to get him to sign the papers. So, even if you CAN financially benefit after a divorce, your mental health and free time may not be worth the trade of a protracted legal battle. I have no argument how it would benefit someone with no kids. If you're worried about your assets going sideways after his death, have him draft a will and name you as beneficiary in all death benefits. Don't need to be married for that.

Also like someone said, depends on the state whether your assets are shared or not. Frequently its not all assets anyway.

Title	Marriage is a financial contract. Many IRL examples are showing it does not protect us the way we think it does. If knowledgeable please advise. (CF)
Author	naturopathicfantasti
Upvotes	210
Comments	16
Date	December 14, 2021 1:52 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/rfw4zt/marriage_is_a_financial_contract_many_irl/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/marriage-is-a-financial-contract-many-irl-examples.1092569 https://theredarchive.com/post/1092569

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