Moving in together....??? I need help on this one

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2020-08-18T17:06:23+00:00

Noooooo! Don't do it. You have so much to lose in this situation. He is putting nothing on the line. If it goes south he loses nothing. He could just kick you out. He needs to respect that and step up. If he wants you to leave your entire life behind and move to another country then he needs to make more of an offer than "here move into my house and cook and clean for me for free without any future." I wouldn't consider moving until I had an engagement ring, a wedding date and the date was approaching soon.

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Milobear27 · 2020-08-18T17:13:02+00:00

There is absolutely no way you should be moving to another country without a ring! It makes no sense! IDC if it’s a stone’s throw away, he can rearrange his life.
Listen to yourself you already know.

NeedsHolyWater · 2020-08-18T17:13:12+00:00

This guy sounds nuts - are you in the EU? If not, how in the heck are you supposed to handle immigration? Unless moving to this new country would give you excellent job opportunities with or without him (and I think you should be without this cake-eater), don't consider the matter further.

Summerisle7 · 2020-08-18T17:17:37+00:00

Good lord, no! You need to read the handbook again if you're even considering this insane move. No HVM would ask this of you.

Stop asking if you're "being wrong." Surely you don't actually believe that your objections are wrong. Dump this guy, he's sleazy and selfish.

dntbfllikeidid · 2020-08-18T18:36:00+00:00

Read the Handbook!!

LevelTurbulent · 2020-08-18T20:10:26+00:00

Fuck no, if he's not invested enough to marry you then you aren't invested enough to give up your entire life for him.

Honey, that's a terrible situation for you to be in and it could go really, really badly for you. I don't want you to get hurt. I think you're feeling sick because your body is screaming no at you. It's ok to feel hurt but do that at home with your family, your friends, your security. Don't give that up.

heleninthealps · 2020-08-18T21:17:32+00:00

Moving to another country for a man is wife benefits! Don't give wife benefits to someone you're not even engaged too.

The sick feeling in your stomach is your body repelling this whole decision.

loudest_gusset · 2020-08-18T17:35:33+00:00

Absolutely not. Usually, I'd actually go against the FDS grain and say it's not an awful idea to move in together, but it could only ever work out if:

You have the resources to leave immediately if this relationship isn't working out.
You have strong boundaries that he respects.
You are not legally on the hook for payments (i.e. all bills under his name.)
He is doing more chores than you are around the house.
There is a clearly defined expectation of marriage within the first year of living together.

If any of these is missing, it's a big N O. First of all, you will not have the resources to leave immediately.

You do not speak the language. You are cut off from your support systems. You will have to rely on him for anything and everything. Isolation is the first tactic for an abuser. It doesn't necessarily mean he is one, but it's something to look out for.

He does not consider your needs and comfort. He knows he would be ripping you away from everything you know and love, yet he selfishly wanted you to sacrifice all of that for him. If he wanted to take the next step in your relationship, he can't ask you to sacrifice all that--he has to be the one to offer. No one can ask each other to sacrifice anything. Sacrifices are only genuine if they come from the person, otherwise there will inevitably be resentment--the silent killer of any relationship.

Not to mention, he wants you to disproportionately sacrifice everything for nothing concrete. He wants you to take on all the risk, but won't even offer you the peace of mind and stability marriage could bring. If he cheats on you or gets sick of you while you're abroad, what are you going to do? At least if you're married, you're entitled to certain things. Girlfriends get NOTHING.

Do not move in with him. Do not cut yourself off from everyone for him. Not worth it.

vulture2112 · 2020-08-19T02:25:59+00:00

Never move for a man! Maybe into his house after the wedding. But not before that, and not away from all your support, you might need it.

Jasmineof-Agrabah · 2020-08-19T02:38:39+00:00

Trust your guts. Imagine your niece or young sister comes to you with the same situation, what would you tell her? Only do things that are advantageous to YOU. If you feel the need to help someone, there are plenty of charities or stray dogs that need a home ❤️ sending you a lot of love and encouragement!

GlobalDynamicsEureka · 2020-08-18T18:04:06+00:00

Doesn't feel comfortable marrying you.

Feels comfortable asking you to move countries.

My husband wouldn't move states without us being married. He took us to the courthouse once he lined up a job, didn't even really propose because "we already talked about it." And we're getting divorced now.

You'd think that's bad, but at least he needs to help me out or I can ask for alimony.

staywiththecrown · 2020-08-20T00:22:24+00:00

Don't go. You'll regret it, and he'll blame you for everything you complain about by saying, "You CHOSE to come here. Why are you mad at me?" You'll need to rely on him, you won't have any friends or family, and you won't be able to work or find a job. Then when you seek comfort, he'll push you away and say you're clingy and smothering him.

Does he even call himself your boyfriend?? How dare he ask you to uproot yourself for no benefits!

every1knowsmyacc · 2020-08-18T18:06:13+00:00

[deleted]

Title	Moving in together....??? I need help on this one
Author	every1knowsmyacc
Upvotes	16
Comments	54
Date	August 18, 2020 8:13 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ibwz6b/moving_in_together_i_need_help_on_this_one/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/moving-in-together-i-need-help-on-this-one.212087 https://theredarchive.com/post/212087

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