So thinking about my partner who I’ve been with the better part of a year now, I feel ashamed that I’m still in this relationship, but I need to let this out. I can finally see that he totally love bombed me in the beginning and all the rules and boundaries I had for myself got busted because he seemed perfect and I was in a vulnerable position. But now, frustrated as all hell about him not delivering on what he presented at the start, not really showing interest in me, and not putting in more effort than the bare minimum once I agreed to exclusivity, I realize he’s self-absorbed, possibly narcissistic, and lacks empathy in notable and intolerable ways.

Ex: I told him I felt really nervous and unsafe when he would text and drive or drive without his hands on the steering wheel. His response was, “but I’m a good driver” and “I’ll try to compromise with you if you try to trust me”. I asked him if he would still drive like that with a baby in the car and he said yes. Note: he’s been wanting me to marry him since very early on and he’s really upfront about wanting kids with me - this did not convince me at all that he should be the father of my children. How does he think I would ever want to have kids with someone who doesn’t care if their own partner feels safe in the car?

Anyway - Dude, no. No way in hell will I learn to TRUST someone to drive without their hands or attention on the road. That was the moment that I was like “holy crap, his empathy is messed up and his priorities are all wrong”. He did scale the handless driving back after I told him I felt that he didn’t respect my feelings at all, but I don’t appreciate being made the hysterical one when I make a reasonable request that requires NO sacrifice on his part. Oh, and when it rains, he rarely turns on the wipers. I asked him to turn them on and he said “I can see fine” and still doesn’t use wipers with me in the car. Ladies, this wasn’t a sprinkle. It was moderate rain. This was no overreaction on my part.

When my birthday came a couple weeks ago, he told me the day before that we could plan to celebrate for the weekend since he couldn’t get time off after going away with me for a small trip. I was like “okay, makes sense” though just hours before I was fuming because he hadn’t made plans or told me about any plans for the day OF my birthday. The next day, I got surprise flowers!....from my best girlfriend! And a lovely happy birthday video from another girlfriend. From him? Nothing on my birthday or beforehand. I think it was the next day that he told me he ordered my gift the day before my birthday and didn’t realize it would be late because he’s “used to amazon shipping times and this other company takes longer” — sure, if he hadn’t ordered stuff off of different websites in the previous week, I’d be more inclined to believe it. I think he only really got me a gift because it’s expected - he’s never given me a gift or flowers before, so it makes sense to me that his frugal ass didn’t really want to despite how he impulsively orders a lot of food when we go to restaurants and doesn’t bat at eye at paying for that. Food is okay, but gifts, flowers, anything to show your girlfriend that you value her? Nah.

Anyway, I told him I was going to the city to get myself a birthday dinner and he said he would go with me. But when we were together, he didn’t do or say anything to make it feel like a birthday, like I was special. It felt like he was doing it because he knows he’s supposed to even though I didn’t even hint about that. It wasn’t the worst time, but it was a letdown.

The weekend came and we went out to dinner, and the same thing happened. I was car watching and wondered aloud if I would ever be able to afford one of the nice cars we saw driving by. He said to me “let’s live a poor life and give our kids the expensive cars” and I told him, “no thanks, buddy, I didn’t take out all this student debt so I could live poor”.

The thing that probably wears me down most is this is also a guy who will text paragraphs about himself without acknowledging what I’ve said or even asking how I am or how my day is going (ladies, I’ve tried the information-volunteering thing and he ignored what I said until I got upset and told him he was only talking about himself again). He knows I prefer calls over text, but if I give him even a few texts with real content in a day, he might not call, so the relationship often feels empty and lonely. Because I almost left him previously about how he never asks about my day or shows interest in me, he’s been asking about my day over the phone. In the moment, I’m like “this is nice, he does care, his voice is warm and affectionate, yeah, this could work” but after a few hours pass and the loneliness returns, I reflect back on how it didn’t feel organic and go, “Yeah, he’s only doing it because he’s supposed to and he’s really just interested in the interest that I give HIM”.

Yes, yes, I can hear you queens saying “dump his ass, dump his ass,” and I’ve tried, but you know how they are — they turn up the effort when they feel you distancing or they have an entirely believable excuse like “I was eating this way because we’ve been in the honeymoon phase - this isn’t indicative of how I normally eat” (don’t worry, I learned my lesson). This morning he told me that he was considering his diet and lack of exercise and decided he’s going to learn how to cook and get a gym membership (after me expressing concern for months and months and him eating sugar and processed food around the clock) and I got so hopeful and happy and thought it was salvageable....then the loneliness came back after I didn’t really hear from him most of the day and what I did hear was centered on him. And something in me said, “He said it because you withdrew for a few days and he wanted to make you not want to leave”. I know some of you MUST be able to relate to how they say exactly the thing that convinces you/manipulates you into believing that they’re tolerable enough. I worry that if I do a face-to-face breakup, he’ll give me that stupid affectionate mesmerizing look with that warm tone of voice that convinces me that he cares because he’s not a terrible guy, but I think he’s terrible for me.

How should I break it off and what should I say? He does have a $200 wool blanket that I definitely want back, and I’d like my apartment key, but he lives 2 hours away. Getting those things would require face to face interaction and I don’t want to be sucked in again, which I suspect would happen if I see him in person. He’s never been violent or verbally abusive, mostly just emotionally neglectful, so it’s easy to not go, “He’s not a bad guy, he’s alright, give him a chance,” while my insides also feel like they’re being clawed at.

Note a lesson I learned: This guy has just about always done the initiating contact and plans thing, picking up the bill, etc. I thought I was golden to agree to exclusivity, but I let it happen way, way, way too soon. Never again will I let myself develop feelings for a guy or become exclusive with him until he’s proven that he will be consistent in his efforts and level of respect towards me.