Hey everyone. I found this sub just maybe a week ago and have been inspired by how strong and in charge of life so many of you other women are. Recently I have been noticing a lot of problems in my own relationship that were honestly probably there from the beginning, but I was completely blind to. I know this is usually for "dating," so let me know if I'm posting in the wrong sub..

So to start off, I am 27 and my husband is 26. We have been together for almost 10 years now, always had each other's backs, we were the very best friends, even shared a bank account since we were 19. My mother always gave me the advice "marry your best friend," and that's what I did.. or I tried to do..

I happily volunteered to keep working the retail and fast food jobs and put my own education on hold so that my husband could finish up college without having to juggle having a job as well. College still took time as he was going for his bachelors in engineering at a university, and money was tight even with the help of loans. We were determined though because at the end he would graduate as a fancy engineer and we would make more than enough money to get back on track. He eventually was hired on at the place he had an internship with, and I went back to school.

About a year into working, he snapped. He started drinking heavily, smoking weed on the regular, got really depressed and once put a shotgun in his mouth. Depression and anxiety are not new to us, and have both battled similar demons throughout our lives. He started to never go to work, and this resulted in him losing his job. I had just finished up my associates degree and had to get my old fast food job back to help try and make ends meet, but in the end we were unable to afford rent, food, and we reluctantly moved back home and into the guest bedroom my parents graciously offered to us.

My parents never really liked him from the moment they met him, but they have gotten better about my husband over the years. As soon as we had a moment where we didn't feel like we were drowning I was applying like a madwoman to any and every job related to my degree. I even worked at McDonalds initially for a bit before I finally landed my first "adult" job, related to my degree, actually doing something I was passionate about. During this time, it was like pulling teeth to get my husband to apply anywhere, and when he did and it didn't work out his depression only spiraled and intensified. My parents aren't the most patient people in the world, and it was already so nice of them to let us stay with them, but I was trying my hardest to get us out of there and back into our own place. My husband would spend days in the guest bedroom, never leaving, always feeling on edge when he saw/heard/interacted with my parents.

Fast forward 6 months (yes, 6 months) and my husband still hadn't found a job, and was reluctant to work any retail/fast food not because he felt they were beneath him, but because he felt physically unable to work them (he's out of shape and overweight due to depression and anxiety). So one night my father, who of course wants his daughter to be taken care of and feels like my husband hasn't really been putting forth effort to do so, gets assertive with him. He tells him he needs to work harder and get a job, and how he feels he is being taken advantage of by letting my husband and I stay in their house when it doesn't seem like he is trying to do anything to get us back on our feet. This of course made my husband's anxiety and depression worse, and he managed to convince his well off dad to buy a house for us to rent to get us out of my parents' house and to retain a healthy mentality. I expressed my concerns, because at this point I am so tired of having to ask everyone for help when we should be able to take it from here. I didn't want my FiL to buy a house for us, but that's what happened anyways.

It was a rundown place, but we were to supply the labour to fix it up in exchange for considerably low rent and my FiL would pay for the tools/supplies necessary to get the job done. The place needed new flooring, lots of yard work, new paint, and a good scrub down. I thought "okay, this is what he needs, we're somewhere he can feel safe and get better mentally and everything is going to be okay now," and honestly, I feel like things have only gotten WORSE and he can't even see that. I had to cut the grass/yard work and he still hasn't gotten around to painting anything and we've lived here for months now.

We're going on over a year now of him being unemployed. Due to circumstances he was unable to obtain unemployment, so it's been just me struggling with fast food jobs and now a lower paid entry level position. He buys alcohol and weed on my dime, and despite the multiple fights and his sorrys and empty promises to get sober he STILL does it. He then says I owe him for when I went through my depression and anxiety, even though through all that I STILL WENT TO WORK. Sure I had panic attacks and cried like a baby in the car some days, but I just left early so I could get that shit out in the parking lot before clocking in. He makes me feel like I have done absolutely nothing for him or us, and every time I try to stand up for myself or point any of this out, he turns it around and plays the victim. He's told me I've changed and how I'm not patient or understanding of his situation, and he's told me multiple times that I should just go find someone else and be happy with them while at the same time telling me he'd just die if he didn't have me. I've threatened to separate our bank accounts so he can't access my money and have even said it would be beneficial for us to start being more financially independent because then we are more aware of where our money is going. He says it's "going backwards" and threw a tantrum. He's supposed to be starting a temp job soon and I came home to him having gotten more weed. I say "well you can pay for it with your own money then," and he proceeds to tell me that I can't have any then because it's HIS he bought with HIS MONEY. I point out he's been using MY MONEY for the past year+ to get weed, and he says back it isn't the same because then it was "OUR MONEY."

I feel so broken and numb and lost. I know so much is wrong, but I love him so much. I just want the respect and effort I deserve from a partner, but instead I get my efforts belittled, my past thrown back in my face, and manipulated to the point where I don't even know what's right or not anymore.

Is there anything I can do to fix this? I'm scared to death of what this all means, but I can't just pretend it isn't happening to me anymore. I just wanted a marriage like my parents have, but I feel like a stupid little girl who watched way too many Disney movies growing up. How do I become stronger than this? I've never been the strong type, always a doormat, but I don't want to be like that anymore. And. My. Husband. HATES. THAT!!

My Husband's family are aware of just how bad this has gotten, and seem at this point almost more concerned about me than him because he does very little to nothing to help himself. Something doesn't go his way? "I should just kill myself" Someone said something you didn't want to hear? "I wish I would've just died before you knew me." I am so tired of hearing this. My Step MiL who is Catholic has even told me "you two only got married legally for the health insurance, even the church would understand and support an annulment/divorce."

I'm scared and not ready to give up on someone I've spent the last almost 10 years of my life with, but I also know this isn't healthy for me. I just know that I need help and I need to start reaching out instead of sitting by and pretending everything is okay.