Second date

Mountain_Nectarine_6 · 2020-09-24T23:13:19+00:00

By the end of date 2, you will know. If you aren’t excited and giddy for the next date then that means you’re not that into it and you shouldn’t keep seeing him.

Some people on paper can seem like they’ll be a great match for you. Heck even in person, there may be decent convo and whatnot. BUT what matters is that spark. Chemistry is there or not.

hypointellectual · 2020-09-24T23:16:35+00:00

You might not be attracted to a HVM. And that’s fine. Don’t date someone just because you think you’re missing out or that’s the best you can get or because they’re perceived as HV.

Also male nurses can be huge man sluts so watch out girl.

randomgirl34861 · 2020-09-24T23:43:24+00:00

Hope I don’t get hate for this one, but I’m going to say something that contradicts a lot of comments I see here.... I’ve found that most HVM are a little bit “boring” at the start and I have never felt a “spark” towards a man.

If you’re used to dating LVM, a reliable HVM can seem boring because you expect them to show up on time and they do. Unlike bad boys who have a strong possibility of now showing up, so then you’re thrilled when they actually do (aka the bare minimum). HVM don’t play games, so you’ll know from the start that their intentions are serious. If you’re used to dating LVM, you may crave that feeling of being “special” when you finally get a guy who doesn’t commit to things to commit to you. When a man is looking to commit from the start, you don’t experience that thrill of “changing” him. HVM try to make you feel comfortable, so sometimes there’s not even the whole excitement of “omg does he like me?” going on because he makes it very clear that he does like you.

I had an experience similar to yours. I went on a first date (he made reservations at a winery and for a outdoor dining at an Italian restaurant) and it was kinda awkward. But was well-dressed, happy to pay for everything, complimentary, reasonably cute but I just wasn’t “feeling it”. I wasn’t really excited to go on the second date because the first was awkward but I did because I got HVM vibes. The second date was also well planned (another dinner date and reservations for TopGolf, which he paid for in advance). I felt awkward because it seemed like he was staring at me the entire time at the dinner and it felt like too intense. But overall I still didn’t any creepy vibes, just awkward. So I agreed to a third date (we got dinner outside at a Spanish restaurant and walked around bar hopping). And that time it wasn’t so awkward because we had established some things to talk about. I noticed many of the servers at the restaurant had tight fitting tops revealing cleavage. I really didn’t seen him look even once. I came to appreciate what felt like awkward staring because it was actually him giving me 100% of his focus and not looking around at other women. I found that my interest in and attraction to this man progressively grew as he continued to put in more thought and effort than I had ever experienced. I wore my work shoes on a date because I forgot a change of shoes. He noticed the ratty sneakers and went out and bought white Nikes for him and I and a bunch of vinyl and leather paints (because he knew I loved art and thought I could use new shoes). I was floored. No one has ever put that much thought into an activity before. On our first date I just thought he looked okay, but then all of a sudden he became really really attractive to me.

I’m not saying to give guys who you don’t like chances. But I am saying that if a man is giving you serious high value vibes, working hard to show his interest and you find him at least kinda cute, it doesn’t hurt to go on a few more dates to feel him out. HVM are usually a little nervous because they want to impress you (super smooth men are often men with much practice going on dates) so give things some time to get past the awkward stage. I have found the best men to be men I wasn’t particularly excited about in the beginning. Like you I also feel like I’m never attracted to anyone, and that’s ok. People become attractive to me when they put the effort in. If he is HV, he will be putting lots more effort into dating you, so think about giving him the chance to impress you and then see how you feel

IwillMasticateYou · 2020-09-24T23:16:27+00:00

[deleted]

nycgirlhere · 2020-09-24T23:14:10+00:00

Read the handbook! It says to trust your instincts so I would say you can’t know HVM are HVM until a couple months of consistency at least. Anyone can be good on a couple dates. Think about corrupt doctors, they were great at their interviews and fooled professionals to think they were caring, kind people! Be on alert and stay safe. Keep vetting.

divination__ · 2020-09-24T23:37:03+00:00

To be honest i don't massively trust myself when i AM super attracted to someone, because then I'm not thinking with my brain - but either with my heart or my vagina haha. I think attraction can take a while to build up - I need to know and respect someone first before I can be really, really attracted to a man. I think by the end of the second date you will know if you're interested enough in seeing this person again, but don't try and chase butterflies and excitement as that doesn't necessarily lead to the best relationship. Be wary of red flags, but I think ultimately dating should be fun and light-hearted for you - you don't have to make any big decisions and judgements, if he is being 100% respectful just sit back and let him impress you.

2020-09-25T00:10:39+00:00

I’m not convinced that very good looking, charming men that we typically are sexually attracted to are HVM. Sure they exist but I think they are often arrogant and the charm is hiding something. Don’t expect to initially be attracted to someone stable and normal if you are used to any kind of passionate relationship with a LVM. Give it MONTHS

EclecticBarbarella · 2020-09-24T23:40:01+00:00

I struggle with this because often my initial “attraction” is my old (and familiar) dysfunction being called forward and I don’t usually get that initial thrill with a guy who is more stable and normal (or at least haven’t yet). It’s like the joke in Charlie’s Angels where they ask Drew Barrymore if the guys hot and when she she says “yes” they know he’s the bad guy.

I’m still kind of learning how to recognize attraction independent of that reaction. If you’re anything like me, I would probably give them a couple dates to see if the intellectual attraction is there and if it grows into physical attraction (which that at least is common for me, there are plenty of guys I’ve known that I was ambivalent about physically but after seeing a certain side of them, normally after seeing genuine passion or compassion for things, I then found them attractive physically).

If that’s not how you generally experience attraction, there’s nothing wrong with walking away, you’re not obligated to like every HVM. He can be high value and not be your HVM. Attraction is important, you’re not looking for a friend you’re looking for a partner and for a lot of us that includes a sexual component. I agree with the other commenter tho that if you’re not at least looking forward to seeing him, it’s probably not there at all.

apple_cores · 2020-09-24T23:16:06+00:00

Yes I definitely have met great men I wasn’t into at all. Nothing we can do about it. But you say you’re never attracted to anyone? Have you had crushes or been in a relationship before?

strangerinthealps_ · 2020-09-24T23:16:45+00:00

Trust your gut. If you’re not into him, you’re not into him. That being said, are you sort of ambivalent about dating, or more into the idea of a relationship itself than you are the actual guys you’re seeing? If so, it might help to take a step back from it for a while and focus on yourself. If not, disregard!

Also: Two dates is far too soon to know if he’s a HVM. Ideally, if you want to continue to see him you should be vetting for months. What looks good on paper isn’t always the reality, and that takes time to decipher. Good luck!

DadaExperiment · 2020-09-25T00:52:41+00:00

I can only speak from my experience, but the men I've been most attracted to were the most narcissistic and toxic, ultimately, and multiple therapists as well as a pastor I listen to have said that the best partner for you isn't necessarily the one who drives you crazy with desire or obsessive longing. That's usually a bad sign.

I think slow and steady with a very measured buildup of emotion and understanding of the other is best. But only you know what's right for you.

super_thinker_ · 2020-09-25T02:36:32+00:00

I second what a lot of ladies have already said - I've only experienced instant sparks with bad guys.

Good men are consistent, respectful, and generous. They earn your trust slowly, surely, and naturally. Suddenly the bond and the attraction is there and you won't even know where it came from. It sneaks up on you when you least expect it, but it won't happen if you're trying to look for it or force it.

luvmyvulvaxoxo · 2020-09-25T03:51:16+00:00

Have you read the handbook? You can’t know if someone is HV by date number two. It also tells you to move the fuck on if you’re not interested/attracted.

Title	Second date
Author	breadandbunny
Upvotes	8
Comments	24
Date	September 24, 2020 6:59 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/iz3flu/second_date/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/second-date.276701 https://theredarchive.com/post/276701

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