Sexual Incompatibility is a Lie. Let me explain

EDIT: I wanted to add that the best way to see this phenomenon showcased is to visit the wrecked deadbedrooms subreddit and see how relationship issues are ignored and instead the “sexual incompatibility” sticker is plastered in order to demonize the person with the lower libido.

I had this realization some time ago after countless posts on relationship advice subreddits about this issue. When I was younger I always threw this explanation at situations that could be described differently. After all, it's easier to just say two people aren't sexually compatible rather than analyze that is actually wrong and try to fix it.

This post is an invitation to discuss my newly founded mindset. But before we can do that let me explain where I come from and answer some questions that you or any lurker might have.

Why is it a lie?

So let's first talk about why I think it's a lie (in 99.9% of cases). To do this, let's look at a classic example: a couple where the girl has a lower libido and the guy a higher one. (the genders are an example for the easiness of writing, you can swap them and it would be the same thing although this case is more common that the reverse. You could also use same sexes, I am not discriminating against anyone here)

There are generally two cases that can happen here:

1. the girl is fine but the guy is complaining he wants more sex

At first glance, people are going to say "you're sexually incompatible, just break up". But looking deeper into the issue we can find other problems such as: the guy is only romantic when he is horny, he doesn't express his feelings outside the bedroom, whenever they have sex he doesn't do a good job listening to her, they have communication issues and fight often, the relationship overall feels more like a friendship than a relationship etc.

So, what do we find? Well, we can conclude that the issue isn't the difference in sex drive, but rather something deeper. The guy is too self-centered to see matters beyond sex and the girl obviously won't get in the mood often because the relationship isn't well on all levels.

Another worthy mention is when the guy feels less attracted and loved because of this (this case is most often encountered in relationships where the woman has a higher sex drive). This can be easily explained (like I will mention a bit lower) by society standards and definitions of worth and attraction. See point 2 for a more detailed explanation.

2. the guy is fine but the girl feels like a bad girlfriend because she doesn't want sex as often as him

This case is a bit more delicate and not as often labeled as "sexual incompatibility" but it happens. So what is happening here you may ask? Simple, society's definition of a woman's worth is explained by how kinky and horny she is. Thus not wanting to have sex often -> not good enough. Other explanations for why her libido may be reduced can be found at point 1. but it is also possible she just doesn't enjoy having sex every day and that is completely fine!

As we saw, both ways other issues than "just different sex drives" can be found that can actually explain the unpleasantries in the relationship.

Before I delve into the common questions, I want to mention that my point isn't to negate the existence of sex drive differences but rather point out that they're not an instant dealbreaker and in fact the underlying issues are.

Additionally, for women sex drive is highly influenced by hormones can influence libido and there is already a huge stigma about this and many of us feel bad about it as if being less sexual means we are less lovable.

Is this universally applicable?

No, nothing in life is 100% correct for every situation given. But take a look on all relationship, dating, marriage, whatever you want subreddits and you will see that it's pretty damn accurate in the majority of cases.

So are you saying sex isn't important in a relationship?

Not at all. Au contraire, sex can tell you a lot about a person and can highlight issues that you couldn't even see before. You tell your partner how to go down on you but they always do it their way although you've expressed that it doesn't work for you? Well... go figure what that means. With that being said, I also do not believe in having sex early in a relationship because character traits and sexual performance are linked together to an extent and by making sure the person is great on all plans but sexual first will result in way less disappointments than hopping in bed on the first date to test "sexual compatibility".

What if my bf is into a kink that I don't like??

I know this subreddit is against kinks and BDSM but I wanted to include this part for anyone who may lurk here and sees this post. Having a kink does NOT mean you are entitled to have your partner perform it in bed. In fact if you value a kink more than the person you love then the issue isn't sexual incompatibility but your selfishness (aka the whole point of this post).

But my gf/bf had such a high sex drive in the beginning and now it's so much lower!! I hate it!

Take a look at what you just said. You value sex more than a human being that you are emotionally connected with. You'd rather bang genitals than feel and give love to a special someone. That says something about your priorities doesn't it?

My boyfriend turns me down but jacks off in the bathroom to porn! Are we incompatible??

Yes, but not sexually lol. This is another case where my point is strongly proven. The underlying issue is that he'd rather do something low effort and jack off to a stranger than do the work to have an emotionally connected sexual activity with you.

I can't think of other questions rn so feel free to ask in the comments. I would enjoy to be challenged and have the opportunity to discuss this issue further with all of you.

Honorable mentions about this post:

u/Platipus6 she posted a great comment that could serve as a short synopsis of this whole mindset (link to comment)

u/Lost_Kale90 commented something really insightful and I wanted to add it (link to comment)

I see the sexual aspect of a relationship as an indicator of how healthy the relationship is, as opposed to being the cause of healthy or unhealthy relationship. So if the sex isn't good or there's sexual incompatibilities, it's a sign there is already something wrong with the relationship.